A guy in a bar asks bartender to give him one drink in a glass and one in a thimble.
Bartender gives him his order, guy drinks from a glass and than he see a little man that takes thimble in his both hands and drinks it.
They ordering the same again and again.
Startled bartender, gets really curious and asks a guy at the bar
-What's with this little fellow??
-Well u see we was in Africa, visiting some tribe village and he said to their shaman "-Arse u are, not a magician"

I don't get it.

Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What did the monkey SAY when it fell out of the tree?
Nothing; it was dead.

LOFL! I love it. I have heard a variation on that, but that one was better.

That one made me laugh for a long time. :)

why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
because it was dead.
why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
because it was stapled to the first.
why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
peer pressure.

A squirrel was running around attacking people. Authorities never knew why. They eventually put it down with a BB gun.

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Its a really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.
Q: What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
A: Dr. Dre
why does Snoop carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry a frying pan?
Fo' sizzle.
Why does Snoop wear diapers? Fo' Shizzle.
Why does Snoop live in a basement? Fo' Fritzl.
Why does Snoop use a condom?
Fo' jizzle.
Why did Snoop go into the German restaurant?
Fo' schnitzel.
Q. How does Snoop get his laundry so clean?
A. BLEEEEEEE-atch!
Why do woman wear make-up and perfume?
Because they are ugly and they smell.
A man walks into a bar. His alcoholism is destroying is family.
a woman walks into a bar and asks the bar tender for a double entendre, so he gives her one.
Q: What's the difference between a sixty-yard field goal and a woman who uses too many cutesy plays-on-words?
A: The first one is a cunning punt.
I went to an urologist. He said: 'You have to stop masturbating.' I asked: 'Why that?'. 'Because I can't examine you!'
A man sent in ten puns to a pun-writing competition, hoping to win. But no pun in ten did
Q. What's red and bad for your teeth?
A. A brick.
How many members of a certain demographic group does it take to perform a specified task?
A finite number: one to perform the task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of the group in question.

I think the punchline for the first one is "so he gives it to her".
LOVE the urologist one!

I gave the UK punchline.
There was this fly buzzing over a stream.
Well, unbeknownst to the fly there was a trout in the stream. The trout thought to himself, if that fly drops six inches I could jump up and eat him.
Well unbeknownst to the trout there was a bear behind a rock near the stream. The bear thought to himself, if that fly drops six inches, that trout will jump and I could eat him.
Well unbeknownst to the bear, across the stream was a hunter. The hunter thought to himself, if that fly drops six inches, that trout will jump causing the bear to lunge, then I could jump out from behind this tree to and shoot him.
Well unbeknownst to the hunter there was a feild mouse behind the tree. The mouse thought to himself, if that fly drops six inches, that trout will jump, the bear will lunge, the hunter will shoot and I could get his sandwich.
Well unbeknownst to the mouse there was a cat hiding in the weeds. The cat thought to himself, if that fly drops six inches the trout will jump, the bear will lunge, the hunter will shoot and the mouse will scamper.
Well the fly dropped six inches. The trout jumped, the bear lunged, the hunter shot, the mouse went for the sandwich, and the cat pounced but he missed and went into the stream.
Moral of the story?
When the fly drops, the pussy gets wet.

So there's one florist in this little mountain town in the alps, and he's got a pretty good thing going: whenever anyone needs flowers they go to him. One day some monks moved in to the shop across the street, and what do they sell but flowers? The townspeople start to ignore the poor florist in favor of the monks--because it's for a good cause, you see. The florist had about enough of that, so he called in the local strongman, Hugh. Hugh walked into the monks shop, roughed 'em up a bit, tossed their flowers onto the floor, and ran them out of town. Just goes to show that only Hugh can stop florist friars.
Two Eskimos were paddling along in their canoe, when one of them said he was getting cold. They decided to start a fire in the bottom of their boat, and of course the fire burned through the bottom and the canoe sank. Just goes to show you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
There was a big chess tournament at a major local hotel, and in between matches some of the chessmasters were standing around in the lobby discussing their past victories. The concierge kicked them out, because he couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
A woman was driving to work one day, and she hit a rabbit. She pulled over and saw that the poor rabbit was barely alive, twitching pitifully. She looked around in her car for something with which she could end its misery, but all she found was a bottle of hairspray. She shrugged, sprayed the rabbit until it stopped moving, and drove on to work. On the way back home, the rabbit was standing by the side of the road, one paw raised, waving slowly. The woman slammed on the brakes, reached for the bottle of hairspray, read the bottom, and relaxed. On the bottle was this label: "May cause permanent wave in hair."
I'm here all week, folks. Don't forget to tip your waiters and waitresses.

Why can't Michael Jackson be within 100 feet (30.48 meters for my oversea brethren) of an elementary school?
Because he's dead.

lol

Unfunny, and illogical. His being dead doens't prevent him from being anywhere, especailly not the charts or my TV.