For the UK folks (or those that pay attention to Scottish football)


A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He needs a new milk cow and hears about one for sale over in Nordakota. (North Dakota for those not hip to our lingo up here).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the tit and pulls...the cow farts. Ole is surprised. He looks at the farmer selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another tit, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion, Ole buys the cow and takes her home.

He gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor Sven, and says, "Sven, come look at dis ere new cow I yust bought.

"Pull her tit, and see vat happens." Sven reaches under, pulls the tits - and the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?" Ole is surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.

Ole replies, "Yah, dat's right. But how'd yah know?"

Sven says, "My wife's from Nordakota."

Here's one other geeks will quite probably enjoy :-)

A web programmer asks an other one, "So, what's your new girlfriend like?"
"Well," says the other, "I'll just say she's 90-60-90..."
"You don't mean to say she's purple?!"

And a "so bad, I have to share this" joke...

Dieters, keep in mind: a waist is a terrible thing to mind!

Reviving the thread with a joke that's so incredibly corny, yet good, that I had to post it.

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

I got horrendously drunk at the office party and shagged and ugly Chinese bird in the lift. I know, I know, I was fucking Wong on so many levels.

I bought two silk worms and had them race each other. It ended in a tie.

If you aren't a Christian (more specifically, a Christian who avoids profanity) this might not be quite as funny, but I thought it was pretty good.

There were two brothers who were born and raised conservative Pentecostals. Being in their slightly rebellious pre-teen years, they decided one night that they should try cursing a little bit.

"Well, what should we start out with?" the younger brother asked.

"It should probably be something mild..."

"How about hell? It's in the Bible, so it can't be too bad."

"That's a good idea!" the older brother said. "So, tomorrow morning, we'll start cursing."

The next morning, the brothers got up and went into the kitchen. Their mom was in there and asked them what they wanted for breakfast.

After thinking for a moment, the older brother said, "Ah, hell, I'll have some Cheerios."

The mom became furious and told the brother to go to his room. She proceeded to give him two days of restrictions.

Still angry, she came back into the kitchen. "What do you want?"

The younger brother said, "I sure as hell don't want Cheerios."

Ah, that one reminds me about the priest who went golfing with some not too pious friend. Who used to curse a lot. Like, he would put the ball on the tee, swing, miss the ball, and mutter "Holy shit. Missed.". The priest, of course, would frown, and scold him a bit. And the guy would of course apologise. And swing again.

And miss. And go "Oh GOD fucking HELL, shit ! Missed !", but quickly "Oh, sorry, Father, I didn't mean it.", seeing that the priest gets a bit more irritated the second time : "My Son, you know that Our Lord hears everything we say, and has made it clear in the Holy Scriptures that you should not calling His name in vain. So do watch your language, please."

Sure. Tries again. Swings. "MOTHER OF CHRIST, FUCK ! Missed !" "Please ! Watch your tongue. You will start to anger The Lord with your behaviour." Apologies.

Swing again. "HOLY FUCKING MOTHER OF CHRIST SHIT HELL JEEEZUS, FUCK, MISSED !" And suddenly the skies darken, a terrible wind rises. Black clouds cover the golf course, thunder rolls, the priest yells "THERE, YOU DID IT, YOU BROUGHT UPON YOU THE WRATH OF GOD, MAY HE HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOUL", the guy panics, falls on his knees, cries, starts to beg for forgiveness, "TOO LATE TOO LATE" yells the priest. And lightning strikes, once, in a terrible deflagration, and litterally vaporises the priest !

And from the skies, a terrible mighty voice is heard : "Fucking christ holy mother of shit, missed !"

I was at my bank today, there was a short line. There was just one lady in
front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was
obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change?
Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it
change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."



The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says, "What is this - some kind of joke?"

Went to the drugstore to buy a pack of condoms on my way to a bootycall. At the checkout counter I paid the clerk, and as he was giving me my change, he asked "Would you like a bag for those?"
"Hell no" I replied, "she ain't that fukin' ugly."

There comes a time in the life of a parent that he must give his child, or children, the "drugs talk". The day I decided it was time was when my five year old son presented to me a piece of construction paper, and glued upon it was a brown rectangle, with a green scribble that resembled an afro above it, with circles glued to the green afro that closely resembled pepperonis, and he said to me, "Look, daddy, it's a tree." Naturally, I was worried, but I calmly replied, "Son, it's time we have a talk."

Lol. Quite a long read but totally worth it. :D

Necro topic


RUDE JOKE





Shagged a girl with OCD last night. She told me she was obsessed with doin everything alphabetically! So first we did Anal, then she gave me a Blowjob then i played with her Clit, then I got Deep throat. After that i got up and got dressed & she shouted "what about E?" I said, "I've done E love - I've Ejaculated, and now I'm doing F G & H , , , Fucking Going Home!