My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that….2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."Really, …" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg".

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

RACQ is a is a motoring club that provides Roadside Assistance, Inspections and other car related stuff

I was driving this morning when I saw an RACQ van parked . The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'

One day, a magician appeared in front of John, saying: "John, I have noticed how loyal you are to the world for the past 50 years, doing all those charity works. Therefore, I will grant you one wish. It may be anything - whatever your heart desires!"

John stands there, amazed, then answers: "Well, I have, since I can remember, Had a problem with heights. I have always wanted to visit Paris, but I am too scared to fly! Will you, please, make me a bridge that's made of bricks that extends from right in front me me, all the way to the centre of Paris?"

The magician, completely capable, looks down at John.. "Are you sure, John? Is there nothing else that you may want? Something more valuable, perhaps? Such as infinite wisdom, wealth, or looks even?"

John hesitates, then replies, "Well, I have always had a problem with understanding women - they are so confusing! Maybe you could give me the knowledge to understand these creatures?"

The magician, surprised, looks down at John, pondering his request. Finally, after several long minutes, he says to John, "Where did you say you wanted that bridge to end up at?"

Breast enlargement

Wife: I been thinking about getting breast implants

Husband: Why don’t you just start rubbing them with toilet paper?

Wife: Why would I do that? How would that help?

Husband: I’m not sure how but it sure worked on you ass!


Damn that was some bad grammer

I was looking for minutes at this line to find the joke, I gave up... only then i looked at the next joke *facepalm*

But those were really corny and really good

I was tempted to put a very similar joke to this. Changed my mind.

Greengrocers earn a meager celery, come home beet and just want to read the pepper, take a leek, turnip the covers endive into bed.

Along a similar line to Drlstvaan

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was After Eight. They got off at Quality Street. He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said with a Wispa. "I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts" he replied. He touched her Creme Eggs and slipped his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight and he shot his chewy centre. But 3 days later his sherbert dib-dab started to itch.Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he's got fuckin Allsorts..

And now, for some money-based puns...
-A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
-If money talks, why do we need bank tellers?
-Coins are mint to be.
-On the commodities exchange when the price of corn goes up some farmers are all ears. Others are only interested in the stalk market.

Hey, that's really cool!

In an orchestra, the conductor was really upset with the drummer - he came almost always late, was slacking off during rehearsals and all in all, he didn't take his job seriously. Once, when he was especially mad at him, he stood before the ensemble and said, "You know what they do to a musician who can't play his instrument well? They give him two sticks and make him a drummer." A moment later, a murmur came from the percussion section, "And do you know what happens when a drummer fails at drumming? They take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama-Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

Q: Why did the rapper have an umbrella?

A: Fo drizzle.

Since the holidays are coming up...

A man goes to see his dentist about his dentures. "The plate's almost eaten through," he says.

"Wow," says the dentist, "I've never seen anything like this."

"Any idea what could cause it?" asks the man.

"I don't know..." muses the dentist. "Have you been eating or drinking a lot of really acidic food -- coffee or something with lemon juice or vinegar in it?"

"Well," replies the man, "my wife and I have been having Eggs Benedict every morning for breakfast. There's lemon juice in the Hollandaise sauce, I think."

A light bulb seems to go on over the dentist's head. "Ah ha," he says, "that's your problem. We'll remake the plate for you, but we'll have to chrome it this time."

"Chrome it?" says the man. "What on earth for?"

"Oh, don't you know? There's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."

A really, really bad one (IMHO, at least) from me to revive the thread...

Q. What do you call a stupid gnome who, however, uses Apple products?
A. An iGnomeant!

So, Little Riding Hood arrives at the house of her grandmother, but she sees there are Nazi soldiers everywhere. She's surprised, but decides the tale must go on anyway, so she goes into the house.
She stands before the bed of the grandmother, and says, "Oh, grandmother, what big eyes you have!"
"To better see you with, child," answers the old woman.
"Oh, grandmother, what big ears you have!"
"To better hear you with, child."
"But grandmother, what big nose you have!"
"Ssshh! Could you please NOT say that out so loud?!"

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."