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General discussionCorny Jokes Put 'em Here(815 posts)(815 posts)
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This is my favourite topic
Posted October 27, 2011
joke 1...

I'm starting to take this Drink Driving business seriously now Christmas is around the corner.

Left the car at the pub last night and took the bus home - very proud of myself!





Never driven a bus before......






joke 2....

Bought the missus a new fridge this week...

you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.
Post edited October 27, 2011 by Robbeasy
Posted October 27, 2011
Man, I am all out of clean corny jokes. All I have left are jokes from the Book of Truly Tasteless Jokes and those are not for polite conversation :D.
Posted October 28, 2011
It's not a joke, but (sadly) an allegedly true Facebook status message, right after Steve Jobs' death.
"Who cares that Steve Jobs is dead?! what has he ever done for me?!" - Via FaceBook for iPhone.

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JudasIscariot: Man, I am all out of clean corny jokes. All I have left are jokes from the Book of Truly Tasteless Jokes and those are not for polite conversation :D.
Maybe you should take a look at A joke a day. Although the jokes there are often in a somewhat bad state grammatically and spelling-wise (not to mention sometimes they are completely irrelevant to the category they are in), they pride themselves as a good source of clean jokes, and I can attest to it that it is so.
Posted October 30, 2011
Sorry in advance, and English/Irish users, I don't want to widen any cultural/political differences, but this joke seems too good to not share here :).

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are walking together on a sandy beach when they find an old lamp. Curious, one of them rubs it, and out comes a genie, saying, "Well hello all, since there are three of you, I grant each of you one wish."
the Scotsman says, "My grandfather and my father were fishermen, I am a fisherman, my son is a fisherman, so I'd like if the ocean was ever full of fish so that we never lack fish to catch."
"So be it," says the genie. He claps his hands and lo and behold, fish start to jump up and down everywhere in the water.
The Englishman says, "I'd like England to be protected by a huge, massive wall so that no one whom we don't want in England can enter our land."
"It is done," says the genie, clapping again. "And what's your wish?" he inquires from the Irishman.
"I'd be interested in that wall" says he. "Well," answers the genie, "it's 15 feet high and 3 feet thick, and it completely surrounds England so that no one can pass it."
"That's great," says the Irishman. "Now, fill it with water!"
Post edited October 30, 2011 by DrIstvaan
Posted October 30, 2011
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DrIstvaan: Sorry in advance, and English/Irish users, I don't want to widen any cultural/political differences, but this joke seems too good to not share here :).

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are walking together on a sandy beach when they find an old lamp. Curious, one of them rubs it, and out comes a genie, saying, "Well hello all, since there are three of you, I grant each of you one wish."
the Scotsman says, "My grandfather and my father were fishermen, I am a fisherman, my son is a fisherman, so I'd like if the ocean was ever full of fish so that we never lack fish to catch."
"So be it," says the genie. He claps his hands and lo and behold, fish start to jump up and down everywhere in the water.
The Englishman says, "I'd like England to be protected by a huge, massive wall so that no one whom we don't want in England can enter our land."
"It is done," says the genie, clapping again. "And what's your wish?" he inquires from the Irishman.
"I'd be interested in that wall" says he. "Well," answers the genie, "it's 15 feet high and 3 feet thick, and it completely surrounds England so that no one can pass it."
"That's great," says the Irishman. "Now, fill it with water!"
as a proud Scot I wholeheartedly support this joke
Posted October 30, 2011
Say, do you want to hear about the time Hitler won a cake baking competition?

Yeah, I thought not. Nothing good ever came from that guy using an oven.
Post edited October 30, 2011 by Hesusio
Posted November 03, 2011
Shamelessly stolen from another forum:

A guy walks into a bar . Tells the female bartender, "I'd tell you a joke about my penis but it's too long."

She replies "That's funny I was gonna tell you one about my vagina, but you'll never get it."
----

When feeling depressed, I like to watch my wedding video.... backwards. My favorite part is when I take the ring off, leave the chruch, get back in to my car and drive away.
Posted November 05, 2011
Joe, an old farmer, is sitting in his rocking chair on the porch when his wife comes home.
She says, "I've just heard a rumor the daughter of our neighbor is pregnant!"
"Well," says the farmer, "it's her business."
"But I've also heard you're the father!"
"Well, that's my business."
The wife begins to sob, saying "If that's true, I'll grab Fido and jump from a bridge!"
To which his husband answers, "The dog stays here, the rest is your business."

EDIT: Of course, it's HER husband.
Post edited November 06, 2011 by DrIstvaan
Posted November 05, 2011
A man walks into a bar.

His alcoholism destroys his family.
Posted November 06, 2011
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DrIstvaan: Joe, an old farmer, is sitting in his rocking chair on the porch when his wife comes home.
She says, "I've just heard a rumor the daughter of our neighbor is pregnant!"
"Well," says the farmer, "it's her business."
"But I've also heard you're the father!"
"Well, that's my business."
The wife begins to sob, saying "If that's true, I'll grab Fido and jump from a bridge!"
To which his husband answers, "The dog stays here, the rest is your business."
Wow, what a typo.
Posted November 06, 2011
avatar
DrIstvaan: Joe, an old farmer, is sitting in his rocking chair on the porch when his wife comes home.
She says, "I've just heard a rumor the daughter of our neighbor is pregnant!"
"Well," says the farmer, "it's her business."
"But I've also heard you're the father!"
"Well, that's my business."
The wife begins to sob, saying "If that's true, I'll grab Fido and jump from a bridge!"
To which his husband answers, "The dog stays here, the rest is your business."
avatar
Hesusio: Wow, what a typo.
Indeed... not paying attention to what you type can lead to funny results.
Posted November 06, 2011
One night, I walked down a dark alley, I stood on a man's arse and a woman said "Thank You!"
Posted November 06, 2011
So I'm sitting here in an internet cafe and the biggest fucking nigger I've ever seen is reading every word I ty
Posted November 06, 2011
Knock Knock

Who´s there?

FBI! GET ON THE FLOOR YOU SON OF A BI.CH
Posted November 07, 2011
A rabbit gets caught by a fox, and says, "Well, OK, Mr. Fox, you caught me, so you can eat me, but at least let me to dance my dance macabre!"
The fox, being in a generous mood and appreciating a good dance anyway, lets him do it.
The rabbit starts his dance, saying "One step to the left, to to the right, one step to the left, and now RUN!" and with that, he's gone.
Looking after his escaped dinner, the fox says to himself, "That's got to be the most stupid choreography I've ever seen!"
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This is my favourite topic
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General discussionCorny Jokes Put 'em Here(815 posts)(815 posts)
(815 posts)