Posted July 09, 2011
"I see. It's all coming back to me now."
Said the old blind man pissing in the wind.
Said the old blind man pissing in the wind.
FraterPerdurabo
New User
Registered: Apr 2010
From United Kingdom
BigBoct
Need No Sympathy
Registered: Jun 2011
From United States
Posted July 10, 2011
Why do mathematicians always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
Because OCT 31 is also DEC 25.
Because OCT 31 is also DEC 25.
Post edited July 10, 2011 by boct1584
DrIstvaan
Yay old game preservation
Registered: Sep 2008
From Hungary
Posted July 16, 2011
Two psychologists meet in the elevator. One turns to the other and says, "Dear colleague, I see you're all right. Now, how am I?"
That's one of my favorite geek jokes; it was even featured in Angst Technology once (where no one of the staff got it when Dante told this joke).
That's one of my favorite geek jokes; it was even featured in Angst Technology once (where no one of the staff got it when Dante told this joke).
Post edited July 16, 2011 by DrIstvaan
Hesusio
Blithering Idiot
Registered: Sep 2010
From Australia
Posted July 16, 2011
Might be a repost, but I'm not sure.
Three American students are backpacking through Europe. They reach Munich for a local beer festival and find there is a huge shortage of accommodation and find the only thing they can afford is a room with one double bed. In order to ensure a good night's sleep, they decide they all must sleep on their backs in order to avoid any involuntary spooning. They all sleep just fine and come morning they're discussing what their dreams entailed. The guys on the right of the bed said he dreamed a beautiful woman was giving him a hand job. The guy on the left had a similar story. "Well that sucks ass" said the guy in the middle, "all I dreamed about was skiing".
-
What's the difference between a woman and a toilet?
A toilet doesn't try to cuddle you after you dump a load in it.
-
What's a German's least favourite day?
Jewsday
-
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
Pick it up and suck it's cock.
Three American students are backpacking through Europe. They reach Munich for a local beer festival and find there is a huge shortage of accommodation and find the only thing they can afford is a room with one double bed. In order to ensure a good night's sleep, they decide they all must sleep on their backs in order to avoid any involuntary spooning. They all sleep just fine and come morning they're discussing what their dreams entailed. The guys on the right of the bed said he dreamed a beautiful woman was giving him a hand job. The guy on the left had a similar story. "Well that sucks ass" said the guy in the middle, "all I dreamed about was skiing".
-
What's the difference between a woman and a toilet?
A toilet doesn't try to cuddle you after you dump a load in it.
-
What's a German's least favourite day?
Jewsday
-
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
Pick it up and suck it's cock.
DrIstvaan
Yay old game preservation
Registered: Sep 2008
From Hungary
Posted July 19, 2011
Here's a link to the Angst Tech strip featuring the Oct 31 = Dec 25 joke.
MikeFE
Some call me Laz
Registered: Aug 2009
From Netherlands
Posted July 19, 2011
Did you hear about the blind man who didn't want to learn braille?
He didn't see the point.
He didn't see the point.
SaraB123
Battleaxe
Registered: May 2011
From United States
Posted July 19, 2011
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but the lightbulb really has to WANT to change.
Only one, but the lightbulb really has to WANT to change.
reaver894
BUY DRIFTMOON
Registered: Sep 2009
From United Kingdom
Posted July 20, 2011
One corny one and one non pc one
I used to have a job crushing cans...
It was soda pressing
My wife bought me a pedometer today, since then ive paseed 1439 pedo's
I used to have a job crushing cans...
It was soda pressing
My wife bought me a pedometer today, since then ive paseed 1439 pedo's
svmariscal
n00b user
Registered: Aug 2009
From Spain
Posted July 21, 2011
- Man, what a nightmare! last night I dreamed I made love to a movie star.
- How come that is a nightmare?
- Well, it was Lassie.
- How come that is a nightmare?
- Well, it was Lassie.
TrollumThinks
I got Wisdum
Registered: Jul 2011
From Australia
Posted July 21, 2011
A man walked into a bar ... it hurt
[To be read in a thick Irish accent]:
An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'
'Without numbers?' The Irishman says, 'Dat is easy.' And proceeds to draw three trees.
'What's this?' the boss asks?
'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says the Irishman.
'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'
The Irishman picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Ere you go.'
The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'
'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.'
'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'
The Irishman picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One hundred.
The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.'
'So, when do I start?'
[To be read in a thick Irish accent]:
An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'
'Without numbers?' The Irishman says, 'Dat is easy.' And proceeds to draw three trees.
'What's this?' the boss asks?
'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says the Irishman.
'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'
The Irishman picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Ere you go.'
The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'
'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.'
'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'
The Irishman picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One hundred.
The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.'
'So, when do I start?'
reaver894
BUY DRIFTMOON
Registered: Sep 2009
From United Kingdom
Posted July 21, 2011
[To be read in a thick Irish accent]:
An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'
'Without numbers?' The Irishman says, 'Dat is easy.' And proceeds to draw three trees.
'What's this?' the boss asks?
'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says the Irishman.
'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'
The Irishman picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Ere you go.'
The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'
'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.'
'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'
The Irishman picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One hundred.
The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.'
'So, when do I start?'
TrollumThinks
I got Wisdum
Registered: Jul 2011
From Australia
Posted July 22, 2011
Thanks :)
No credit to me though - I just read it somewhere else.
Speaking of which:
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted.
Q. Why does a seagull fly over the sea?
A. Because if it flew over the bay it would be called a bagel!
Q. Why don't circus lions eat the clowns?
A. Because they taste funny
Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.
I don’t approve of political jokes…I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
and finally:
A duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “do you have any grapes?” “Nope” responded the bartender, “try somewhere else.” The duck walks out and back in, “do you sell grapes?” “I told you already I don’t” responded the bartender, “stop bothering me.” The duck walks back out and then back in again, “stop right where you are” the bartender screams “you ask me again if I have grapes I will take a hammer and nail your feet to the floor.” The duck walks out and then back in again, “do you sell nails?” he asks “No” responded the bartender.
“Ok, do you sell grapes?”
No credit to me though - I just read it somewhere else.
Speaking of which:
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted.
Q. Why does a seagull fly over the sea?
A. Because if it flew over the bay it would be called a bagel!
Q. Why don't circus lions eat the clowns?
A. Because they taste funny
Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.
I don’t approve of political jokes…I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
and finally:
A duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “do you have any grapes?” “Nope” responded the bartender, “try somewhere else.” The duck walks out and back in, “do you sell grapes?” “I told you already I don’t” responded the bartender, “stop bothering me.” The duck walks back out and then back in again, “stop right where you are” the bartender screams “you ask me again if I have grapes I will take a hammer and nail your feet to the floor.” The duck walks out and then back in again, “do you sell nails?” he asks “No” responded the bartender.
“Ok, do you sell grapes?”
TrollumThinks
I got Wisdum
Registered: Jul 2011
From Australia
Posted July 22, 2011
ok, one more (in 3 parts):
Q: How do you tell the difference between an elephant and a grape?
A: Grapes are purple (or green)
Q: How do you tell the difference between an elephant and a grape if you're colour-blind?
A: Jump up and down on it - if you don't get juice then it's an elephant.
Q: What did Tarzan say?
A: "Here come the grapes" (he was colour-blind)
Q: How do you tell the difference between an elephant and a grape?
A: Grapes are purple (or green)
Q: How do you tell the difference between an elephant and a grape if you're colour-blind?
A: Jump up and down on it - if you don't get juice then it's an elephant.
Q: What did Tarzan say?
A: "Here come the grapes" (he was colour-blind)
HereForTheBeer
Positive Patty
Registered: Oct 2009
From United States
Posted July 22, 2011
The electrician's son was out past curfew and the father waited up for him. When the son arrived half an hour late, his father asked, "Wire you insulate?"
DrIstvaan
Yay old game preservation
Registered: Sep 2008
From Hungary
