Teacher: "Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?"
Student: "Because there were many knights!"

While mowing the lawn, a man sees that his none-too-bright neighbour runs out to the mailbox, looks in, shakes his head and runs back to the house. Then he runs out again, looks in the mailbox, looks bewildered, and goes back. When he runs out for the third time, again looking in the mailbox and this time looking annoyed, he asks, "Hey buddy, is everything all right?" "No," replies the neighbour, "my computer keeps telling me I have mail, but I can't see any in my mailbox!"

An old man enters a catholic church and kneels down at the confessional:
- Father, are you there?
- Yes my son, tell me.
- Father, I am 85 years old and I've been widowed and alone for 20 years. Yesterday I met a gorgeous 20-year old blonde girl at a bar; somehow she ended up at my house and we were doing wild sex all night.
- That is too bad, my son; when was the last time you confessed?
- Never, father. I am jewish
- Jewish? then why do you want me to hear your confession?
- Who's confessing? I'm just going door to door telling everybody!

What do you call a flea on a bald man's head?
Homeless.

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants on the course?
In case he gets a hole in one.

Why was the referee's phone bill so expensive one month?
He made to many calls.

My girlfriend just texted me saying "I want you to get me wet when I get home ;)".

I've got 15 water balloons ready... I can't wait.

Ok - my youngest told me this one today - What do you call a snail on a ship

-- A Snailor

There were these two cows. They were standing in a field doing nothing specific. Just hanging out, chewing grass, respecting eachother.

Yep, just standing there.
Looking.
Chewing.
And for the longest time nothing happened......

Then one of them suddenly opened his mouth and said: -Mooo!
The other one looked at him in amazement and said: -Wow, that's exactly what I was about to say!

Playstation networks security

There were these 2 guys hanging around the beach, and one had all kinds of women around him.

Well, the other guy, try as he might, just couldn't attract any attention. He flexed, did cartwheels, anything and everything to show his masculine prowess, but no luck.

Finally, quite perturbed, he went over to the other guy and asked 'What's your secret? I've been going through all of these motions, I'm not a bad looking guy, but all of the hot babes are hanging around you?'

Well, feeling a bit sorry for the unlucky guy, he told him: 'The secret is to put a potato in your trunks, and the girls will adore you.'

Feeling quite confident, the unlucky guy showed up the next day following the advice of the lucky one. Potato in place, he strutted, he flexed, he did everything, but still no luck - the other guy had them all.

Quite pissed, he went over and said, hey you son-of-a-bitch, I followed your advice and was scorned even more than yesterday, what the hell kind of shitty advice did you give me?

The other guy looked at him, and could only say: You were supposed to put the potato in the front of your trunks you dumb bastard, not the rear!

There is a Cheerios box, and inside of this Cheerios box there is three levels of the Cheerio Society. The top of the box if filled with the rich and ritzy Cheerios who have the most scrumptious meals and the most fantastic houses. The middle of the box if filled with the average-class Cheerios with an average life, average house, average family. The bottom of the box is filled with the crumby Cheerios, with gang violence and crime in the neighborhoods.

So, one day, a sad, poor Cheerio decided he wanted to end his life of being at the bottom of the box. His life was rediculous and he wanted to end it. He marched right up to the Average level of the box and went inside of an average resturant. The average waiter said “Hey! You’re a poor Cheerio! You’re not allowed in here!" And with that, he kicked him out.

Discouraged, he returned home to the lower levels. That night, he snuck up and found an average, abandoned home, and moved into it. The next day, he lived his average life. His job was average, his house and family were average, everything was average. After about a week or so, he started hearing the joyous sounds of the rich Cheerios eating their rich meals and bathing in their rich pools. He decided he needed to end this average life, and become rich.

He walked up to the Rich levels, and said down in a rich, 5 star resturant. The rich waiter said “Sir, you cannot dine here! Average Cheerios are not allowed!" And with that, he kicked him out. Discouraged, he returned home to his average house. That night, he snuck into the upper levels and found a rich house of which the owner had recently passed away. After bringing his stuff up, he moved in.

The rich life was fantastic. His job paid well, he had big screen TVs, a pool, and a huge house. The morning after he moved in, he went to breakfast. The rich waiter said “Good morning, sir. What would you like to eat?" “Well, what do you have?" replied our Cheerio. “On our menu, we have an omlette, made with vegetables straight from our garden, and the egg of finest hen! Would you enjoy that?" asked the waiter. “No, thank you. What else is there?" “Well, we have the freshest fruit straight off of the vine, picked this morning, actually. Would you enjoy that?" “No, thank you, what else is there?" “We also have the best blueberry pancakes you have ever eaten. Homemade, hot off the griddle. Would you enjoy that?" “Yes, please, I’ll have the pancakes," replied the hungry Cheerio. “Of course, sir. Just step into the Pancake line and enjoy your breakfast!" And with that, the waiter took off, and the Cheerio went into line to order his delicious pancakes.

At dinnertime, the Cheerio came back. The waiter, once again, came up and asked him what he would like to eat for dinner. “What is there to eat?" Asked the Cheerio. “Well, we have the finest steak. Crispy on the outside, juicy on the inside. It’s delicious. Would you like that?" “No thank you, what else is there?" “Well, we have the best pizza you have ever eaten, with ingredients imported straight from Italy. Would you like that?" “Yes! I would love to have some pizza," replied the hungry Cheerio. “Of course, sir. Just step into the Pizza line and enjoy your dinner!" And with that, the waiter took off, and the Cheerio went in line to order his amazing pizza.

As he was eating, the waiter came over again. “Is there anything you would like to drink, sir?" asked the waiter. “Yes, what do you have?" “Well, we have a pitcher of the purest, clearest mineral water. Would you like that?" “No, thank you. What else is there?" “Well, we have a tasty mix of Cola and Pepsi. It’s quite delicious. Would you like that?" “No, thank you. What else is there?" “Well, we have the sweetest Fruit Punch you have ever had. It’s so tangy, and it’s amazing. Would you like that?" “Yes, please, I’ll have the Fruit Punch. Where might the line be?"





“Well, sir, there is no punch-line."

End.

A man is riding down the road, when he sees a large advertisement right above the road, with only one word on it, "Influence". Not being able to make anything useful out of it, he shrugs and drives on.
About 30 feet later, a police car pulls up next to him and the officer orders him to stop. The officer then gets out of the car, walks to the driver and says, "Sorry sir, I have to fine you. You were driving under influence."

One day a multi billionaire was board, so he asked his butler to get him 3 men.

A few hours later the butler comes back. The man says "OK I've a deal you can't refuse. Who can swim successfully across this pool filed with sharks, eels, and leaches. The winner may have whatever his heat desires."

No one replies so the man gives up.

All of a sudden the man hears a splash. One of the men is swimming as fast as he can, dodging all the sharks, eels, and leaches.

The billionaire was so impressed that someone had enough guts take up his challenge. He congratulates the man and asks him what he wants.

The man replies "I want the name of the Son of a Bitch who pushed me in"

A woman asked her neighbour, "How did your son do at the the history exam?" "He did poorly", said the other woman, "but it isn't his fault. The teacher only asked him about things that happened when he wasn't even born yet!"

Why have french tanks rear view mirrors. To keep an eye on the frontline all the time.
Very corny i know.

have a nice day

Good evening and this is Time Team, and today we are looking for Hitlers other ball, we start our journey at the Albert hall.





Well we had a war joke on the French, only fair to poke fun the other way.