A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office,
ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he started to get out, a truck came along,
too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the
Lexus. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it
wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started
screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day
before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how
the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in
disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,"
he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most
important things in life ! "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "My God, don't you even realize that your left arm is
missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"Oh My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!!

Wrong E-Mail Address

An Ohio couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Ohio and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2011

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS: Sure is awful hot down here!!!

I am NOT responsible for this joke my Co-Worker who is black told this one to me.

an African American family is on a plane. the pilot gets on the com and tells everyone that the plane is too heavy and they are in danger of crashing unless weight is taken off. they've already dumped the sewage and everything else that's toss able. now they're down to people
the stewards on the ship start taking a count of the people on the plane and come up with a solution
they get on the mic and say "alright, we've gotta do this or we'll all die."
"we're gonna go alphabetically"
"all African Americans on the plane, report to the back of the plane"
none of the black people get up
one of the children in the black family looks around curiously
but his dad shakes his head no to him
the stewards look confused, but continue "OK...all black people, get up and go to the back of the plane"
no one gets up.
the kid is definitely confused now. but his dad reassures him "no."
stewards gasp and look around nervously...and then say "OK OK. all colored people get off the plane"
and no one gets up. the stewards finally give up and decide to tear seats out and throw them.
when all is calm again the child asks his father "dad, aren't we African American? aren't we black? aren't we colored?"
and the dad turns to his son and says "no, son. today, we're niggas."

This one is from the old Blade Runner computer game by Westwood. It always used to make me laugh....

'What does a marriage and a tornado have in common? First there's a lot of sucking and blowing, then you lose your house!"

Similar one that I read somewhere:
"Why are hurricanes given women's names?"
"Because when they first come they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and car"

This isn't from my co-worker, but from the internet (which by all acounts, could also be black)

What do you call a black guy in the cockpit of a plane?






The Pilot your racist.

What is the difference between a possum that's been hit by a car, and a bagpipe player that's been hit by a car?


The possum was more likely to be on its way to a paying gig.

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: one to tell the public that the government is doing everything in its power to solve the problem, and one to screw the bulb into a water faucet.

Q:How much money did Professor Oak owe James Woods?

A:Tree fifty.

Woman at the doctor: Doc, my husband is a very nice guy, but when he goes out with his friends for a couple of beers every two weeks, he beats me up badly when he comes back drunk.
Doctor: He really beats you up every time?
Woman: Yes, every time.
Doctor: Ok, I'm going to prescribe to you this chamomile tea, and you're to start gargling it the second your husband comes home.
After two weeks: Doc, the chamomile really does help, I've been gargling it and my husband didn't even notice me!
Doctor: I had a feeling that it would be enough for you to keep your mouth shut...

...I assume James Woods is actually the Loch Ness Monster?

A woman calls her husband, "Honey, could you please pick me up? My car's brakes are broken."
"Of course," answers the man, "but where are you now?"
"In the bakery, just next to my workplace."
"And the car?"
"That's here, too."

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when
his Plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home.
As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.


'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never Driven a limousine.
Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'

The driver said 'No problem. Have at it.'

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off Down the highway.

A short distance away Sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The trooper pulled out And easily caught the limo And he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver's door And when the glass Was rolled down, He was surprised to see
Who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car And called his supervisor.

He told the supervisor, 'I know we are supposed To enforce the law....
But I also know that Important people are Given certain courtesies.
I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a Very important person.'

The supervisor asked, 'Is it the governor?'

The young trooper said, 'No, he's more important Than that.'

The supervisor said, 'Oh, so it's the president.'

The young trooper said, 'No, he's even more Important than that.'

The supervisor finally asked, 'Well then, who is it?'

The young trooper said,

'I think it's Jesus, Because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!

A guy hears his phone ringing, and sees his boss is calling, so he picks it up.
"Good day, sir," he says.
"Good day. How are things in the office? Is everything OK?"
"Yes, sir, but it's a very busy day, and I haven't even stopped to catch my breath since morning."
"Well, OK then. Anyway, could you do me a favor?"
"Of course, sir, anything you want."
"Then could you please hurry up at the seventh hole? I'm right behind you."

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who got attacked by his car?
Claude.