A guy drove to the beach and parked his car close to the water's edge - not realizing it was Low Tide - then he went for a long hike up into the mountains. During his excursion, High Tide came and then receded - completely submerging his car for a period of time in the process. When he finally returned to his car - he became very concerned when he found out that he had Tuna in his Mercury!

Bringing this thread back once more.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

This one might already be in this thread, but I heard it again recently and thought it would go nice in this thread:

Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had nobody to go with.

I also heard this one recently. I suppose it is more of a pun than a corny joke, but whatever. I thought it was funny:

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

An Australian, American and an Irishman were on a quiz show. The host asked the question "Complete this nursery rhyme line, and spell your answer. Old Macdonald had a..."

The Australian responded first. "Station. S-T-A-T-I-O-N." Bzzzt. Wrong.

Next up was the American. "Old Macdonald had a..." "Ranch. R-A-N-C-H." Bzzzt. Wrong.

The host torned to the Irishman. "Old Macdonald had a..."

The Irishman thought for a bit before responding. "Farm."

"Correct," said the host. "Now spell it."

"E-I-E-I-O."

TYou can insert your nationality of choice for the last guy. I just originally heard it as an Irishman.

One day a factory inspector went to inspect a factory. during his inspection he saw a man sit forlornly in front of a machine. The inspector was curious and asked him why he looks so miserable and what machine is that for. The guy then took a coke can and put it on the machine, pulled the lever and the machine crushed the can and spray the liquid inside all over. With sad look he said:

"This is soda pressing...."

One day Mendelssohn went out for an afternoon walk. A nazi officer passing by, saw Mendelssohn and yelled "PIG!" Mendelssohn take his hat off and said "Mendelssohn."

Girl 1: I prefer pianists rather than violinists.

Girl 2: Why?

Girl 1: I prefer to make love than war.

Cow 1: I wonder if there's more in life other than chewing cuds all day and getting milked regularly

Cow 2: Holy shit a talking cow!

"Correct," said the host. "Now spell it."

"E-I-E-I-O." can be replaced by "I-T"

Why aren't there any knock knock jokes about freedom?
because freedom rings.

Who led the Jews through a semi-permeable membrane?

Osmoses.

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said "did you see what your monkey just did ?"
"No, what ?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball".

The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.


Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and then ate it. Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.

The bartender asked "did you see what your monkey just did ?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me" replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first".

That's so punny it cracked me ocean, man.

Three nuns have died and find themselves before the pearly gates of heaven. But St. Peter informs them: "We are overcrowded. So we only admit those, who can prove their faith by answering a question."

Then he asks the first nun: "Who was the first man on Earth?"
Nun: 'Oh. That's an easy one. That was Adam.'
St. Peter: "Right, you may enter."

Second nun:
Peter: "Who was the first woman on Earth?"
Nun: 'Oh, that's an easy one. That was Eve!"
Peter: "Right, you may enter."

Third nun:
Peter: "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
Nun: 'Oh. That's a hard one ...'
Peter: "Right, you may enter."

Puns Intended...

•I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

•When chemists die, they barium.

•Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

•I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

•How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

•I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

•This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

•I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

•I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .

•They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

•A dyslexic man walks into a bra .

•PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

•Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

•Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz.

•The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.

•The old man didn't like his beard at first. Then it grew on him.

•Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

•When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

•What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

•I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

•Broken pencils are pointless.

•What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

•England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

•I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

•All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

•I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

•Velcro - what a rip off!

•Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

•Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

•Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

•I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

Corny enough for ya?

Pick-up line: "You must be from Ireland, cuz my penis is doublin' "

"These are intelligence pills. When you eat them, you will become smarter."

"Could i have one?" Asked Sven.

However, nothing happened. So Sven ate another one, then third, fourth...fifth and yet he felt he wasnt getting any smarter. After eating roughly dozen he was going take yet one more - but then he noticed: "Hey! These are nothing but rabbit shit!"

"Yes - I notice you are already getting smarter!"