Granted, but under Blizzard's new pricing policies, the official game update costs $74.99 and only works on alternate Tuesdays.

I wish that my phone's battery would never die.

Granted, but your phone's screen and speaker both die.

I wish for 1 + 1 to equal 3.

Well...

1) 1 + 1 = 1
2) 1 + 1 = 2
3) 1 + 1 = 0

But under no circumstances, 1 + 1 will equal 3, sorry!

I wish for pigdog to return to the forum.

It's funny because it's true. Also, I'm sad now. :(

Granted. You now have your own personal numbering system where 1 + 1 = 3.

I wish for a Scorpion.

Granted, but since I had trouble identifying which Scorpion did you mean (the animal or the fictional character), I decided to spawn the Scorpion from Mortal Combat, causing you to get fatalised by him.

I wish I had millions of salmons in my millions of fridges.

Granted, but after you make the wish, you suddenly have a need for millions of sardines.

I wish for a DRM-free PC release of Disgaea 5.

Done. But it's coded to only allow installation on Windows 10.

i wish for 10 anchovy-only pizzas sent to each and every one of my mortal enemies, including the dead ones.

Granted, but A: you're correctly billed for each of the pizzas, and B: Your mortal enemies (or the people who lurk near their gravesites) all love anchovy pizza.

I wish for a D&D video game with the ToEE's better-than-the-rulebook implementation of the actual 3.5 tabletop rules, NWN's easy-to-use module building system, and Steamworks multiplayer support integration.

Granted, but it is not Legit

I would suggest using the vanilla frosting mod
https://github.com/fearedbliss/Diablo-II--Vanilla-Frosting
http://us.battle.net/en/forum/topic/13085929116

Not only you can have ladder runes work on SP, it removes most monster immunity so even if you are not a necromancer with no teammates, you will not suffer in hell. It is tailored for Single Player

Edit: Argged ninja'ed

Granted, but it is so confusing that it is no fun, and the devs come under fire for enabling paid mods and have to scraped steamworks integration eventually.

I wish publisher will stop strong arming single player games to have a online multi player component that players have to use to unlock some content.

Granted. Now you need to put a plastic figurine on a NFC pedestal to unlock content.

I wish Amiibo to fail.

Granted. But now the only game console that you are allowed to own is a Sega Dreamcast with a broken controller.

I wish for infinite wishes.

Granted, but they don't have to be granted.

I wish for a brand-new top-shelf gaming PC.

Granted, but the power supply fries the motherboard the first time you try to boot up the computer.

I wish for GOG to become much more successful than Steam.

Granted, but this happens because Valve buys GOG and rebrands Steam as GOG.

I wish I had a bowl of soup.

Wish granted, but the soup is miso soup.

I wish i could inflict some major malediction just by praying, on those utterly deserving it only, of course (excluding me).