thanks for hosting a giveaway Titanium!

Karl: "youve gotta help me be the Hero in the Games or instead of a Bro-fist Cameo promised by Kamchatka i shall be Kill by Guillotine. no coming back from that, it would be as good as slapping a Bandage on "Stalin's left eye""

Ricky: "First take this Banana and get Enos the monkey down from the tower, he will be critical to get those Fucking Bears Nuked from orbit, only he can hit the left and reverse buttons from the spaceship. Lastly ride this Luck Horse out of this Parking Space and decend down through the Subway once youve recruited Enos bypassing the killing fields and heading towards the launch pad."

Karl: "brilliant."

"So I hear you enjoy video games"
"Yes so much more fun than hunting those fucking bears"
" Yeah I heard you ended up shooting out Stalin's left eye while hunting with him on a tower"
"Yeah he then went apeshit and nuked his horse while beating me with a banana"
"But he did not kill you with a guilotine?"
"No I had some luck and got to go home on the subway cause someone stole our pimp mobile out of its parking space"
"Did he bro fist the hero bear who caused these events?"
"No he just got a big fucking bandage"
"Lastly we went to the Kamchatka Peninsula and jumped"
"So how are you here?"
"I am zombie and I want to eat your brains"



I have no idea what the fuck I was thinking

A: Oh pooppickles! This is the last time I let you plan a vacation.
B: Well it looked fun online. How was I supposed to know there's no parking space in Kamchatka?
A: Don't play games you jerk, you did it on purpose. You just love making my life miserable.
B: Oh we're in luck! Look over there!
A: Where?
B: There up on that tower, what does the sign say?
A: It says "Welcome to Stalin's left eye amusement park".
B: Hell yeah, give me a bro-fist bro. I know this was the place.
A: What the heck are you talking about.
B: The Stalin's left eye amusement park, I saw it online and I just needed to visit.
A: Why is there a subway in the amusement park?
B: It's not a subway, it's one of those cold war bomb shelters, they are still afraid of getting nuked by us imperialists.
A: Sounds like a lovely place...
B: This place has everything, look over there, horse riding lessons, if you manage to slalom between all of the revolution leaders statues you get a medal. And there the "how fast can you guillotine a bourgeois" contest. You don't have to kill anyone just a big doll with a cowboy hat. And lastly look how bad ass those fucking bears on the sign look.
A: Is that a water-slide?
B: Yeah, you have to ride the big red banana through the tunnel of love, but I don't think I would feel comfortable doing that with you.
A: You have got to be kidding me!
B: Aww don't get your bandage in a bunch, you'll love it, just give it a chance.
A:And what happens when you collect all the medals from all the activities?
B:You get a super exclusive party membership ID with a Soviet leader of your choice making a cameo on your ID photo and you receive the title of working class hero.
A: Wasn't there a song about that?
B:I doubt it.
A:Well anyway, how the heck did you find this place?
B:Reddit.
A: ಠ_ಠ



Thanks for the entertaining giveaway

--Lastly, we'll ride the horse to Kamchatka to look for Stalin's left eye.

=Idiot. Just say we're taking the subway because it's too hard to find a parking space. Everybody buys some games at some point, even though they probably aren't looking for DJ Hero.

--With luck, the tower won't be nuked and we'll grab the banana before the guillotine blade falls.

=I really hate when you do this. I might actually have to kill you. This isn't even some awesome LARPing where we can bro-fist at the end because you're playing the part so well. It doesn't even make sense. You're probably two seconds away from Felicia Day making a cameo to bandage you up and nurse you back to health if the mission goes wrong.

--How did you know? The f-ing bears might foil our well-made plans again!

=Seriously?!


[Edit: I didn't thank you for the giveaway. This is an entertaining way to handle it.]

1: Hey man, wanna play some games? But not like the Traitors Gate, you know, the one about the Tower. I would rather jump under a subway train, got kicked by a horse, and lastly, had my home nuked from the orbit than to play this game again.

2: I'm playing some WoW

1: Man, you kidding me? This game is like a life sentence to your penis. You may as well guillotine your banana, Asgard's hero. Good luck finding a girlfriend.

2: What about a bro-fist in your face, dude?

1: I'm not saying you should kill yourself bro, but a bandage wouldn't do.

2: So what are you playing lately?

1: Death to Spies. I heard some famous actor made a cameo there, but hasn't seen the scene yet. I tried to shoot in Stalin's left eye in one mission, but it was harder than living in Kamchatka. You know, no parking spaces, ugly women, wild bears...

2: Fucking bears....


Thanks for this, it's freaking funny :D

"So what was your vacation like? If I remember correctly, you were going to Kamchatka?"
"Let me tell you, firstly? It sucked. And then it sucked some more. And lastly it SUCKED."
"Seriously?"
"Biggest mistake of my life. I'm never going back to that place."
"Come on, it couldn't have been that bad."
"It was. And I've got the bandage to prove it, see?"
"Fuck, that looks nasty, what happened?"
"Well, I came out of the subway alright. Then I lost my map. Must have fallen off a pocket or something."
"Bad luck I guess."
"That was only the beginning. At first I thought I'd do it like I do in adventure games, you know? Explore at my leasure and everything. But I got lost. Completely fucking lost. I somehow ended up in a forest of all things."
"As usual you suck at following directions."
"So there I was in the forest, when I heard a godawful roar... and then I saw two fucking bears. TWO FUCKING BEARS, man, I thought I was gonna get eaten! Good thing they didn't notice me."
"And then?"
"I sneaked away, duh. But, like I said, lost. I had no idea where I was going and somehow ended circling my way back to the fucking bears four times. Four times, man, I still can't believe it."
"Bwahahaha!"
"Don't laugh, dammit. Anyway, at that point I was so pissed I seriously wanted them fucking bears to get nuked from space orbit. Or at least for one of them to slip on a banana peel or something."
"Did it?"
"What?"
"Slip on a banana peel."
"We were in a goddamn forest, what do you think?!"
"Sorry, sorry."
"I got away, again, and this time it seemed like I was going the right way. I passed a tower and a few minutes later I found myself at a gas station. You know, the type that doubles as a mini-market and triples as a parking lot."
"Yeah, I know. Did you buy a new map?"
"Tried. There were a few people inside, but everyone was just looking at me slack-jawed. Didn't matter what I was saying."
"Well, no offence, but you probably looked like shit."
"I thought so too and figured I'd find the toilet to get myself a little more presentable... Get rid of the twigs in my beard at least."
"And?"
"There was a friggin' horse in there."
"Bwahahahahaha!"
"Don't laugh I said! I got out and headed to an empty parking space to clear my head... except it wasn't empty, some guy was smoking there. He looked me up and down, grinning like an idiot. "Want to buy some... special stuff?" he asked me."
"Ooooooo, that sounds suspicious."
"Yeah, I figured he'd try to sell me weed or something... and then he opened a box and I saw it."
"Saw what?"
"Stalin's left eye."
"No way!"
"Yes, way. He shoved it in my face and started chanting some stuff about ressurection and the undead. So I did what any sane person would have done in that situation and punched him in the face."
"Spoken like a true hero! Have a bro-fist!"
"Watch the hand, will you? Now, where was I? Oh, yes, I punched him in the face and he fell over screeching. Then his buddies showed up."
"Let me guess, the guys from the mini-market?"
"Yeah. They were running at me at full speed, waving axes around and screaming "Kill him! Kill him with a guillotine!""
"You're shitting me. That sounds like a cameo in a second rate movie about cults."
"Am not! How do you think I got wounded?"
"Obviously, one of them slipped on a banana peel, fell and accidentaly lobbed his axe at you."
"Enough with the banana peels already! But no, he didn't fall, he just threw the thing. I didn't stick around after that. I run all the way back, past the tower and then... the fucking bears..."
"What is it with you and those bears anyway? Fucking this, fucking that. That's fucking speciest, man."
"No, it's not. It was mating season."
"Oh. Oooooooooooh. Ew."
"Yeah, I know."


""

Games were in the tower
going through the subway

On a horse I rode to New York
To see it Nuked by a fork

That Banana was a hero, he was beheaded at a guillotine
Lastly out of luck, he cameo'd me

With a bro-fist he killed people including Stalin's left eye
His deeds bandage'd Kamchatka's soul and lift it up high

As I rode to the parking space, I was acting like a Mare
But then I realized that in New York, everyone was fucking Bears

tower, bandage,

"Those fucking bears are in my parking space! I'm going to kill them!"
"Gimme a bro-fist! This is better than that time the horse was on the subway to Kamchatka!"
"Ugh, I'd give Stalin's left eye to not go through this again. It's like wild animals want to cameo at random times in my life, like they're playing games.
"They think you're a hero! Give me that banana and I'll lure the bears away."
"You're nuked out of your mind! If you go near those bears, your epitaph will say, 'Lastly, he died like a moron.'"
"You forget my secret weapon - luck! Remember that time I escaped the guillotine?"
"You still needed a bandage for your neck wound."
"Yea, but at least they didn't put my head on a spike on top of that tower."

The end.

Contest over. Results forthcoming.

First thing first, I am completely blown over by the quality of all these entries. It was a tough decision, but I picked one winner in this category: ashwald

Next, the easier one, since a random number generator did all the work for me. The winner this time is: boct1584

Congratulations to both.

Thanks to everyone for participating. You and your handiwork made me realise I want to do a few more of these giveaways. Stay tooned. ;)

Gratz to the winnahs and thanks to Titanium.

Great giveaway! Very entertaining. Congrats to the winners and all the contestants.

PS: I haven't read them all yet, but so far my favorite is Balci's. It's so surrealistic...

Congratulations ashwald and boct1584. Thanks Titanium for the giveaway!

Thanks for the giveaway Titanium! (And +1since I forgot to write it earlier.)

Well done to the winners

Sidenote: good thing SimonG opted out, because then it would have been really hard to pick the "best" one. Firstly, he went with the hooker topic interpretation, and I'm not at all surprised. Secondly, he nailed it. (all the pun intended).