^Makes a very good brunch, complete with eggs, bacon or sausage, hash browns, toast, coffee, orange juice....the works

^Not a flat-earther.

Has beautiful, shiny skin.

^Uses a quantum teleporter to rescue all the "lost" (due to malfeasance or accident) characters in media.
(Essentially he goes and saves characters just in the nice of time from those tragic moments in your favorite books/games/films/etc)

pets all the lonely street cats and calls them precious.

^ is quiet when working.

Has hair, I think...

^ has a lot of sea mammal friends.

^Is a totally useful and bad@ss version of Aquaman...in full armor :D

^ has earned an unwavering dedication of the downvoters.

Nobody can claim he has a pointless avatar.

^ The individual above "Dreams In Digital."

No barber dares to touch his hair.

^ No one misunderstands him when they get his "point."

His hair is longer than Rapunzel's when straightened, which means he's got the longest hair. His beard also beats Rapunzel's.