Why does a river need a good internet connection?


Because it's always streaming!

I unintentionally got ketchup in my eyes. Now, I have 20/20 Heinzsight...

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

There's a small town in Illinois where you can order an "Effingham" sandwich.

I built a model of Mount Everest, and my son asked if it was to scale."No," I said."It's to look at."

An oldie but a goodie:

Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm were out for a Sunday drive and were pulled over by a cop.

The cop walks up to the driver's side of the car and says to Heisenberg, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but I can tell you exactly where I am."
"You were going precisely 102 km/h", the cop continues.
Heisenberg throws up his hands in exasperation, "Great! Thanks! Now I'm completely lost..."

"Do you have anything in the trunk?", the cop continues questioning.
"Just a cat", Schrödinger answers.
The cop moves around back and looks in the trunk, "This cat is dead!"
"Well, it is now!"Schrödinger shouts.

The cops begins to arrest them. Ohm resists.

"What can I get you?" says the bartender.

A Tachyon goes into a bar.

Three ducks walk into a bar.

"Hi, what's your name?" the bartender asks the first duck.
"Huey," the duck replies.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. I've been in and out of puddles all day, what more could a duck want?"
"Swell."

"And what's your name?" the bartender asks the second duck.
"Dewey," the second duck answers.
"And how has your day been, Dewey?"
"Lovely. Been in and out of puddles all day too. Wonderful."
"That's nice."

"Let me guess, your name is Louie?" the bartender asks the third duck.
"No," the duck replies, batting her eyelashes, "My name is Puddles."

Why does the minotaur always run from battle?

Because he's a cow-ard!

What's red and invisible?

-No Tomatoes.

A camel with two humps is an Asian camel. A camel with one hump is a Dromedary. What do you call a camel with no hump?



Humphrey

What do you call a vehicle driven by rodents?

A mouse-erati!

Did you know that Edam cheese is made backwards?

A knight and a samurai are on an adventure, but they can't figure out what to do next:
The knight asks, "what should we do next?"
The samurai replies, "someone should tell you where to go, and you can't go anywhere else, anyway."
The knight's reply, "what should I say?"
The samurai looks confused, and says, "say? what's this say thing you're talking about?"
So, they decide to go separate ways.
The knight finds some townsperson, asks them for a quest, and gets one, that involves going to this cave, killing a bunch of weak enemies for pelts or something, then goes back to the quest giver and hands them in.
Meanwhile, the samurai somehow manages to trigger a 10 minute cutscene, in which not much happens, except that the samurai's sword is now gone, leaving said samurai without a weapon.

(This is just a rough idea for a joke. The knight is supposed to represent WRPGs, while the samurai JRPGs, and the joke is meant to poke fun at both.)

People kept accusing me of behaving like a flamingo. Finally I had to put my foot down.