Posted May 09, 2009
Saying Postal 2 is a good game is like saying a tumor inducing euphoria is a blessing from god. It's like saying a deadly disease that causes wracking pain throughout your entire body while simultaneously producing orgasms is heavenly.
Once you realize that none of those things are any good, you should come to the realization that the bad ALWAYS outweighs the good.
Of course, coming to this deeply philosophical understand of how exactly quality is produced will take very little time in comparison to the centuries you'll be agonizing through as you wait for Postal 2's loadscreens to finally end, just so you can experience the next heaping of piss poor humor (quite literally) and absolutely atrocious FPS gameplay.
It's extremely difficult to express in words simply how terrible the mechanics in Postal 2 are. From the horribly clunky weaponry, to the extremely buggy physics, graphics, and anything else imaginable, to the shit poor hit detection, and practically anything else I can think of.
Computer Gaming World gave this game the dubious honor of 0 stars, and I truly wish GOG had given me the power to grant such a scathing score, because if there was ever a game that deserved it, it is Postal 2.
If there is a God, he would have struck down this game with his divine fist, barely managing to raise it as the pure heinous aura of vile stupidity raises forth from the corpse of this putrescent game. Indeed, there is cause for atheists to rejoice at the mere existence of Postal 2, as it proves that there is no divine entity willing to save us from this terrible abomination.
Although perhaps it could be argued that Postal 2 is simply so horrible that no omnipotent all powerful force could even compete with its pure evil, this disgusting excrement.
Traveling through sub par levels, with absolutely moronic level design, hideous low resolution textures, blocky ugly character models, despicably unfunny character voices and quips, stupid childish humor that couldn't make Terrence and Philip produce a single chuckle. Traveling through hell itself, I lay my bloodied hands upon my eyes and tore them out with ferocious fervor, attempting to stop the flow of utter agony.
I used to kid myself that few games could get worse than Descent to Undermountain, few games could defeat the purely evil shittiness of Shaq Fu, but I was wrong.
There is little worse than the world of Postal 2, and as I wander about the empty neighborhood, with a new tedious idiotic task on my list to fulfill, I wonder how anyone could kid themselves that this game could even be considered parody, could even be considered satire, could even be considered on par with the quality of Carlos Mencia, could even produce a crime less evil that the brainwashing murder schemes of Charles Mansion.
Truly, as I lope about asking people to sign a petition, as I piss in their faces when they refuse, as I shoot them in the head as they run away in terror, as I become disillusioned and curl into a pathetic ball, I realize that nothing in this horrible banshee's wail is decent, there is nothing sacred within this freak of nature. This game produces less laughs than the most eye-rolling of Rockstar Games' humor. The jokes are always stale, shooting the same enemy ten times in the head with your pea-shooter shotgun is always repetitive, and it is always horrible. So horrible.
As I lay dying, I hope only you read this last testament, for there is little that can prepare you for the atrocities of Postal 2, there is little to prepare you for Infernus, for the layers of a hellish blackened onion with the stench of evil incarnate, there is nothing that can prepare you for the pure shit this game produces.
So while you wait for the game to finish loading the first level, as you sit there for that first 30 minutes pondering whether or not the wait is worth it, please reconsider.
Please save yourself.
Once you realize that none of those things are any good, you should come to the realization that the bad ALWAYS outweighs the good.
Of course, coming to this deeply philosophical understand of how exactly quality is produced will take very little time in comparison to the centuries you'll be agonizing through as you wait for Postal 2's loadscreens to finally end, just so you can experience the next heaping of piss poor humor (quite literally) and absolutely atrocious FPS gameplay.
It's extremely difficult to express in words simply how terrible the mechanics in Postal 2 are. From the horribly clunky weaponry, to the extremely buggy physics, graphics, and anything else imaginable, to the shit poor hit detection, and practically anything else I can think of.
Computer Gaming World gave this game the dubious honor of 0 stars, and I truly wish GOG had given me the power to grant such a scathing score, because if there was ever a game that deserved it, it is Postal 2.
If there is a God, he would have struck down this game with his divine fist, barely managing to raise it as the pure heinous aura of vile stupidity raises forth from the corpse of this putrescent game. Indeed, there is cause for atheists to rejoice at the mere existence of Postal 2, as it proves that there is no divine entity willing to save us from this terrible abomination.
Although perhaps it could be argued that Postal 2 is simply so horrible that no omnipotent all powerful force could even compete with its pure evil, this disgusting excrement.
Traveling through sub par levels, with absolutely moronic level design, hideous low resolution textures, blocky ugly character models, despicably unfunny character voices and quips, stupid childish humor that couldn't make Terrence and Philip produce a single chuckle. Traveling through hell itself, I lay my bloodied hands upon my eyes and tore them out with ferocious fervor, attempting to stop the flow of utter agony.
I used to kid myself that few games could get worse than Descent to Undermountain, few games could defeat the purely evil shittiness of Shaq Fu, but I was wrong.
There is little worse than the world of Postal 2, and as I wander about the empty neighborhood, with a new tedious idiotic task on my list to fulfill, I wonder how anyone could kid themselves that this game could even be considered parody, could even be considered satire, could even be considered on par with the quality of Carlos Mencia, could even produce a crime less evil that the brainwashing murder schemes of Charles Mansion.
Truly, as I lope about asking people to sign a petition, as I piss in their faces when they refuse, as I shoot them in the head as they run away in terror, as I become disillusioned and curl into a pathetic ball, I realize that nothing in this horrible banshee's wail is decent, there is nothing sacred within this freak of nature. This game produces less laughs than the most eye-rolling of Rockstar Games' humor. The jokes are always stale, shooting the same enemy ten times in the head with your pea-shooter shotgun is always repetitive, and it is always horrible. So horrible.
As I lay dying, I hope only you read this last testament, for there is little that can prepare you for the atrocities of Postal 2, there is little to prepare you for Infernus, for the layers of a hellish blackened onion with the stench of evil incarnate, there is nothing that can prepare you for the pure shit this game produces.
So while you wait for the game to finish loading the first level, as you sit there for that first 30 minutes pondering whether or not the wait is worth it, please reconsider.
Please save yourself.
