Nah, it's because I suck. The plasma rifle is there because the original idea was to create an text-adventure open RPG, and ... well ... It's not a sci-fi RPG without a plasma rifle :D For that little experiment I need to be able to narrate thou, and that's where I apparently fail. Anyway, thank you for reading :-)
Well you've managed to miss the point :D But thanks for reading anyway.

Come on man, that's not cool. Big difference between honesty and being mean.

That's quite ok mate, I think that FraterPerdurabo just took the 'tell me what you think' part too literally and didn't read trough the other posts :D Just a bit of misinterpretation I believe.

OK. Personally, as someone who has sucked at writing for five years and probably will for five more, I say stick with it. If you like it, stick with it. It takes time. :)

Even thou (:P) it is, it has nothing to do in the text. Just as if I was writing a book about, say, knitting and I wrote the whole book in gangsta slang like dis, yo. :)

"We should really decide how do we get to Metropolis," he said dozily.


I don't know, it just sounds wrong... to me.
Better write : "We should really decide how to get to Metropolis" . The how do we get doesn't seem right , to me at least :s...

Other than that, I don't have the courage to read all the block, you should jump between sentences, let your text breath rather than put a whole chunk of words. It's just unappealing to the eyes. Again, it's just my opinion, I could very well be wrong.

From a literary point of view, it's not particularly readable because it has far too many adjectives, which give it a lack of focus and would cause most people to skip and glaze as they read. As a general rule of the thumb, in any given sentence you want to usually draw attention to one specific thing. Adjectives are a way of doing this. So the first sentence:

Warm light coming from a bright lamp above us drove away shadows of these empty, metallic halls, and finally gave us some peace.

has three focal points - the light, the lamp and the halls (which have the most focus from a double-adjective). Starting with an adjective is never a good thing, and 'light' cannot be 'warm' anyway. Probably best to leave the lamp as focus. And without adjectives, you can drop the 'halls' entirely. A lamp being above someone already implies you're in a room, so you can fill in the description later:

Light coming from a bright lamp above us drove away the shadows, and finally gave us some peace.

EDIT: In fact, I'd probably choose a different word than bright anyway. But that's entirely up to you.

tl;dr version - minimize the adjectives.

Yep. I wrote a few decent short stories in Czech, so yes, I've been trough it once and know how it is. I just sort of hoped I'll manage :D

Yeah, as I edited into OP: I get it :D Thank you thou.

"A lamp being above someone already implies you're in a room, so you can fill in the description later"


Not necesserally, it could be a street lamp above someone or a tunnel lamp, or a bridge lamp :p

Just wanted to taunt you, sorry :/

Hey look, I really didn't want to be mean. But honestly, anyone can sit down and write. It's not like people don't have an imagination. It's not like he was expecting an applause for this anyway. That was my point.

Fenixp : If you're really interested in writing, I'd recommend reading first. Maybe try short stories? I'd recommend Gabriel Garcia Marquez, his short stories are amazing. Though I don't know how well they'd survive the translation.

As far as narration goes, what is the context? Perhaps try debating?

I really was only after people rating grammar and stylistic, as opposed to telling a story, since I didn't really try to do that at all. So, right now, I pretty much have all the info I need. Anyway, thank you for trying to help, I appreciate it - and yeah, more english books it is.

If it's inspiration you're after, try reading Asimov's "Earth is room enough", it's one of his few compillations of short stories, and one of the best ever written.

Not really, I've got a lot of inspiration and I know everything about game world and... Well basically all I want to convey. I don't have ... let's say, technical experience.

Technical experience... More specifically, what do you mean by that?

Well it's always good to know what you're trying to say, but it's useless when you don't have the proper means to actually pass on the information. Quite simply, I just need to learn to write properly.