Little does Lionel know, he's about to shag the office b*#$%).
Congratulations friend, no train necessary.

God dammit you ........... fucking piece of shit Metro javascript application.

JESUS FUCK OH HOW MUCH I HATE THIS DAMN JAVASCRIPT PIECE OF SHIT.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAh! Lost a very, very, very large, nearly two A4 pages email because you don't fucking save the damn memory.

FUCKING FUCK YOU, DIE FFS!

/ragequit

Gah I can't believe I'm saying this but I can't wait for school. I'm going insane without anything to do since I've already study for my college class, editing my story which I fucking hate in comparison to writing, don't feel like playing video games, and honestly don't have anything to watch today.

I hate being bored out of my mind.

Start writing My Dear Rose. :)

I would except what the hell are we doing for the storyline?

The Riddick films were/are awesome, and the Indy films are awesome classics.....ditto for the Mummy films. (Have you seen the third one yet?)

I have yet to see the Sherlock Holmes films, though I have seen various animated/live action Sherlock Holmes movies/series/etc over the years. Are they any good?

Sorry, I had to get this off my chest.

Sometimes you have to make life choices that have drawbacks. I knew what the drawbacks were when I made them but I believed the choices were not only for the best but the only real and healthy choices I could make. I still believe that, to make it easier on myself I tend to minimize the drawbacks, yes I know what they are, but mentally I minimize them.

So, the way I've chosen to live my life since my divorce is that I choose to raise my daughter and essentially "be alone", I don't ever want anything past companionship with another woman. Yes, there's some value there, it's just not what I want, I'm not willing to make that sacrifice.

Of course the cost of that is that sometimes you are alone when you'd rather not be. I rationalize this by stating, and albeit it's true, that even half of married people die alone. But that's really only partially honest, because there's a lot of "I'm glad to not be alone right now" on that way to that inevitable journey's end.

So, I was lying alone in the emergency room, well, hell before that, lying in bed, at night, in my bedroom, feeling one of the worst pains in my life. I knew I wasn't going to die from it and I'd decided already how long I'd endure it before I knew I should get medical help. Even then I could only take it for 45 minutes before I called my mom and woke her. I just asked her to talk to me. I needed to be distracted, I hadn't wanted to as I knew it would worry her. She made me promise to go to the doctor in the morning if it still hurt, of course I would have anyway, it hurt pretty fucking bad.

So then I go to the doctor, "No, until we prove you don't have a life threatening condition I'm afraid we have to assume it's one, go to the ER." So I went to the ER, and I sat. I knew it would take time, that's fine. They gave me painkillers, but it still hurt bad. My daughter isn't grown up enough in her head to really hear any of this. I told her I was sick enough I needed to go to a doctor now and dropped her off at her mother's.

So there I sat, on painkillers watching time expand and contract in that peculiar way when you are both extremely high and in pain. And I felt small. Everyone was nice, for which I was grateful, but I was just a patient and I know I'm just another guy in there, suffering maybe a bit more than the average visitor and a bit less than some of the really bad off ones.

I kept smiling and tried to keep a jovial attitude, because let me tell you, that's about the only thing you can do to lighten your own burden. I've always known choosing to be alone means this (and for me it is a choice, or at least I seem to think it is). For the most part I greatly enjoy my choice. It's the kind of liberation I've been seeking for decades of my life, something I regret taking so long to find. But sometimes there's that rotten black part, it's not enough to spoil the whole meal, but it's that hair that looks suspiciously pubic in nature in the most delicious meal you've ever had in your life. Will I forgo such a meal for a moment of revulsion? No, personally, I won't.

But I'll tell you what, all the fear, the pain, and everything else (speaking for me alone) pales in comparison to the feeling of being small and unimportant when you are alone and really really sick and you know no one is coming, no one will be there to hold your hand and comfort you. Yes, I want to be babied when I feel that bad, I don't mind who acts like my mother at that point, I just care that someone does. But there's a limited supply of people willing to do that for you and you purchase that with a high emotional cost that I now choose not to pay (not like my ex ever gave me a return on that investment anyway, but most people will, so I'll go with the premise that I could purchase that behavior if I was willing to pay said cost).

So now I'm sitting at home a few days after they cut out the offending portion of my body. Obviously I'm high as fuck, because hey, it still hurts and they did have to root around in my guts for awhile with sharp, pointy things. The painkillers and pain still play tricks on my sense of time. I set my cell phone's alarm so I know when to take more. I know I'm not truly, 100% alone. My brother has been by to cook me a meal. His wife dropped by and did the same another time. My daughter is quietly playing in the other room and trying to not disturb me. But I still can't quiet shake that haunted "alone" feeling. I think that's the real healing that needs to happen and I know it's one of those processes that will take awhile, I always did. I just didn't know I'd be tackling it just now, just this week.

Thanks for reading.

I can't really comment on your situation as I have no experience of your circumstances, and I wouldn't want to pry to question what brought you to the decision you reached, though I have to admire your tenacity for sticking with such a decision. I'm not sure I could.

For what it's worth I've been in a similar funk from a sudden hospital visit. I think it's normal for something like that to shake you up and make you evaluate things which have maybe been playing on your subconcious for a while.

Life is full of it's ups and downs, and as we follow the path we can but try to take both as they come as best as we can. Don't think i'm trying to belittle or minimize what you've gone through/are going through, though....far from it. It is a hard road to travel & it's made even more so when one walks down the path in the manner you've chosen.(Without the supporting aid & comfort of a partner by one's side.).

Know this, though: You are not alone, regardless of what you may think or feel. You have your family and friends(IRL and on GOG.) thinking of you at all hours of the day.....people(The lives of whom you've probably touched in a positive way, and more than once.) spread far and wide across the surface of this little blue speck we call a home are with you all the time, even if only in thought/"spirit". Regardless, they are there. Know this, and also that many of us here/IRL hope you feel better soon(Physically/mentally/spiritually). :)

Ever wondered if you'd have chosen to live your life differently if you hadn't had any children? I don't mean to judge your lifestyle (and heck, you're probably 10 or 15 years wiser than me), but you do sound like you need at least some more friends in RL.

People don't really seem to be made to stay alone, you can rationalize your solitude and distract yourself with hobbies, but nothing can really replace human interaction. I don't know how old your daugther is, but sooner or later she'll leave home and when that happens you're going to feel the difference.

I don't object to human interaction, I don't even object to romantic relationship, I just reject the latter (beyond a certain point) for myself.

Yes, my life would have been different if I had not had children. I love my daughter but no matter how well I thought I knew myself, I didn't, especially when she turned out to be a bit more challenging than some kids. I wouldn't trade her for the world but there's no way you can know that shit beforehand about yourself.

I do have friends, but few of them would have come to the hospital with me to hang out during that. I mean, I have one or two that I know would have done it, but they are geographically far away. I would do more friend stuff if I had more time, but as it is I'm single dad over half the week and work full time, there's limited time after that to go hang with buddies. That doesn't stop me from trying.

And hopefully I didn't sound like I was trying to be some sort of island, I'm not, there's some things I'm just no longer willing to do, because I know myself and I know what will make me happier in the long run.

I just discovered that a former classmate from middle school has been missing for two days. We were never really friends, and I hadn't seen her for around four years, but the news still interested me. Someone I knew has gone missing. I hope this is empathy I'm feeling, cause it's better than the alternative: cold, detached fascination. But I feel that detached fascination. Alive or dead? Ditch or river? I don't want to treat it like some crime drama, but that's what I'm doing.
EDIT: I hope I don't sound like a sociopath here. Maybe it's just because I'm typing this at 1:00 AM.

I want Sonny's BBQ but don't want to spend the money :(

My wife is divorcing me. I've never abused her, never hurt her, was always there for her. She wants to be out of a marriage and to live for herself without any attachments to me. She bottled up all of her problems and never shared how she felt with me and instead shared them with another guy who wanted a relationship with her. They've been sleeping around and he and his friends have all encouraged her to leave me. I've always adored her but she doesn't think I've shown it enough over the years, despite the fact I have and she doesn't remember.

I don't even have a job since I graduated, so I have to live with my parents while she lives with her "boyfriend" until she can get her own place. I have no money for my own place, no money to help out with the debt that I helped accrue on our joint account, and am alone for the first time in 12 years.

So yeah, fucking awesome Summer.

I've had horrible anal fissures for the past 6 months which has nearly ruined my summer. I can't sit without pain. I can't walk around without pain. Doctors will not give me anymore pain meds so I've been pain med free for 4 months. I'm going to have to resort to buying some marijuana somewhere if I can get it.

The pain when shitting is the worst. I just don't understand how a little scrape in my asshole can cause this much pain. But it does. I literally shake in pain feeling like I am trying to shit razorblades and glass out my asshole. That pain lasts a few minutes until my natural opiates are released from the extreme pain and help numb things down. I'm still trying to avoid surgery because that could mean permanent incontinence meaning I would not be able to control my shit. They would have to cut the sphincter to relax the muscle allowing blood to come in and heal. As it is right now, I am in a constant spasm that will not allow it to heal. I've tried anal dilation by myself for a few weeks to try and stop the spasms and allow blood flow. I hope it starts working. What that means is, I have to stick a dildo up my asshole to open it up and allow bloodflow to enter, which is a successful treatment in many countries besides the US which opts for a sphincterotomy.

It sucks. Whatever you do, do not eat fried potatoes for over a week. You will have horrible constipation and you may pay for it in months or years of your life reeling in ass pain.