Could be an issue with the software version. I'm using an older version, since those can be downloaded for free. Newer versions should be compatible with win8 as far as I can see.

I personally haven't had much need for keyboard to gamepad emulation until now, but suddenly it seems like I need something like it all the time. Might just be the time to dig that 10 dollars out of my pocket. Especially since I grew up with playing games with my thumbs, not with all the rest of the fingers. It's not that big of an investment.

I found it strange there was no controller support, since it's basically taking you through the evolution of console games, not PC games so much. I also can't use joy2key for some reason, have never had the slightest problem with it running in any other program before. Now I'm kinda just turned off by this game, and I don't normally nit-pick like that, but got to the shadow boss and I have trouble moving the way I want with the keyboard.

There is another tweet about that. Controller support is ready. We can expect an update soon.

The cave part with the huge enemy waves is inspired by Diablo, a PC game. It became the basis for a lot of Western RPGs.

Right, but before that the game starts in gameboy colors, moves to 8-bit, is full of Zelda references, takes you through a town obviously inspired by FFVII, etc., etc.

Also, that cave is where the game plummeted to about 5-6 fps, so if it changes after that, I'm unaware. Anyway, the point was the nostalgia of playing those old console games makes me want a controller in my hand.

5-6 fps ? I get 20 at worst with a 2.0 GHz Dual Core CPU.

No native gamepad support for Windows 7 64 bit. Oddly enough, on my ancient laptop, running Windows Vista 32 bit, it says "Gamepad not connected" I'm confused.

It doesn't seem to like my 360 wireless controller. Is there a proper fix, or should I just Xpadder it?

I don't know of any actual fix for the wireless problem but if XPadder or Joy2Key is an option - use that. The game does not make use of the analog sticks or buttons anyways so there's no harm in setting it up externally.

Not a fix for your 360 pad I'm afraid, but I can at least report that my PS3 pad worked perfectly using Motion&Joy/Better DS3.