I have a small problem, and was wondering if any you can assist me. The version that I currently have is Rune Classic, but it runs like utter crap (Win 8), and so I try to install Rune Gold through the 'Backup & Goodies', but nothing happens! A download goes through ~530 or so megabytes to install a phantom file or whatever.
Is this a bug, or am I just an idiot for not having the slightest clue on how to launch the Gold version?

The file downloaded from the "Backup & Goodies" section should be an EXE file named setup_rune_gold_2.0.0.5.
Maybe after you downloaded it you have to manually edit the file and add .exe after the filename. If that doesn't fix it already you should open a support ticket for this.