throughout the years of my miserable life i've been told many times by many different people that i'm a big mouth.. i like talking once in a while, but seeing that i can't integrate into any groups lately, i plan to be more quiet - IF i'll be alive in the next year which i hope not to... yesterday i uninstalled war thunder for the 10+th time because it kept annoying me for too many reasons, today i give up conquer online because people avoid me and won't talk to me, same happens on steam where people rarely reply to my comments, and if they do, they got nothing good to say. i really like the way steam users talk to each other - they're always so creative in making good jokes, making fun without angering someone else. if i'm not deadly depressed and if i manage to make a stupid joke, it's a bad one, it's a troll.. i can't be like those people. i don't really understand if they're so happy or if they just pretend to be happy?.. i think it's total madness if i ever pretended to be happy - i never was, never will be.. today i also took a walk to the beach and back.. i'm so pathetic that i feel ashamed if i look in people's faces and they notice me.. and i never look into women's eyes... that's the worst. hell, i don't even look my father in the eyes when i talk to him. a few months back i was looking like an idiot from my window to the street.. at one moment a girl turned her head and looked at me, i notice movement from the corner of my eye so i looked at her and we saw each other in the eye. result? we both instantly turned our heads away, that's how wretched i am.. and then there's younow too where i was banned over a year ago, i checked site today and i'm still banned forever. i shouldn't even bother to make other accounts, just why.. everywhere the whole world rejects me. at first i thought maybe i'm just crazy but this is crystal clear now. meh.. i never stood a chance anyway. what begins terribly bad can't end good, and my stupid existence began as bad as possible..