ddickinson: You know all to well that you have people that like you and appreciate you. There is one person right here for example who likes you (me). I don't just tolerated you, you have nothing I want (except the pleasure of your company for our lovely chats), and although I like to think I'm a kind person, I am not just being your friend to be kind. I genuinely appreciate you and it has been a pleasure getting to know you. I am always here if you need someone to chat to, even though I'm probably not the most helpful person.
P.S. I know it's not a funny subject, but your Hobbit reference made me smile.
Ragnarblackmane: I appreciate that, I truly do, I just know that all of my problems are brought about by my own actions and I've none to blame for feeling this way but myself. I need to get over it, basically.
How has "getting over it" gone for you so far? It doesn't appear to be working my friend, and I would like to echo the sentiments expressed by ddickinson as well as offer an ear and advice if needed by PM, as best I can.
I've been told to "get over it" by both of my parents regarding my abusive upbringing. It only makes things worse as it completely lacks compassion and understanding. It took every ounce of my willpower not to lash back at my mother when I was a teenager. I wanted to kill her! I knew if I lashed back once that I wouldn't have been able to stop myself. But surely one can't hate one's mother? There is a difference between giving birth and nurturing a being.
Instead I took it out on myself and am the being I am now: battered, bruised, scarred but not completely broken. If I hadn't been shown love by others: cats, birds, nature, and most importantly, humans who took the time to listen to me and remind me that I had good within, and could be a caring and loving person. That journey is still a challenge today, and at times I am close to letting out that "beast within". I cannot explain how it feels to know that about oneself. So I keep a good distance from most others unless I know I am able to control myself.
Serial killers are made, not born, something I have researched extensively. A friend of mine did exactly what I had contemplated in 2000, when I was in college. He stabbed his mother in the head and chest 37 times whilst she slept, and then he called the police on himself. He served 4 years in the psychiatric ward of Longbay prison. Even though I had known him since he was 13, and was in contact with him constantly leading up to his crime, I couldn't see him.
I finally got in contact with him in 2008. Only myself and one other friend from school in his current social circle knew of what he did, and he asked me not to say anything about his crime. He was trying his best to rebuild his life. I could see from his eyes that what he had done was eating away at him - I could not have had contact with him if I did not see remorse in his eyes. He was heavily medicated on anti-psychotics and was a chain smoker(he didnt smoke regularly until gaol). In 2013, his inner struggle got the better of him and he committed suicide.
Why do I mention these stories? Because people in pain take one of 3 actions - they take it out on others, take it out on themselves, or find a path of healing. Often all 3 occur until one finds one's path and purpose in life.
You seem to be in pain and looping my friend, something I can relate to. The only way to break a loop is with action, not thought. Something as simple as starting the day with a glass of water and then a walk does wonders for ones perspective on life. Keep on walking(or cycling) and keep on talking, as you have much to share. 'Ware the expression of negativity for it can be all-consuming. Venting is different from being caught in a negative loop.
I don't know what actions you need to take, but I have found that the best course of action for me is a combination of increasing fresh vital food, moving my body(to whatever extent I am capable of), rest(so important and yet so difficult when the mind is racing, so get that body and mind exhausted) and love. Loving myself a little more and connecting with others, be it here where it is safer for me or having a quick chat with a stranger up the road. That usually starts with a smile and a "G'day!"
PS - finding the motivation is the key. External validation can prompt it - there's nothing like a smile from a gorgeous woman, such as MunkiSiren to motivate, but ultimately the decision must come from within. Ask yourself what do you want in life? Set yourself attainable goals. Start small. Focus on yourself and share that beauty with others. Now that I have seen your face, you might be in pain but I see enough in there to say "Don't give up!" Choose a small action, something that you know will do you good but you choose not to do currently, and put it into action. Then add another thing :)
