I seriously need a controller to play this but can't find any profiles.

I use a Alienware Laptop Keyboard which does NOT have the numpad. So I cant play the damn game cos you cant set wsad controls!

PLEASE someone link me to a pinnacle game profile. I cant make one and believe me i've tried.

Instead of WASD can set WAXD which is cool enough, just get used to it not pushing S. In Carma2 however you need switch places of set buttons in Keymap_0.txt as W won't work (in my case I changed 9 (L-Alt) to 43 (w) and 43 to 9. You can probably even replace S with some else button so it will appear as binded to brake/back but that's optional.
http://www.gog.com/forum/carmageddon_series/how_to_binding_keys_in_carmageddon_2

Does anyone know how to get Camageddon 2 to actually use a Pinnacle Game Profiler profile allowing it to be recognized in game. I've tried with/without game hooks, persistent profiles. I've even tried re-assigning the DirectX inputs. None of these seem to affect the game.

You can probably swap the keys using a program(1), I have no experience in Windows. But it should not be too difficult. Swap S and K for example and set the movement as WAKS.

(1) http://lifehacker.com/5883003/the-best-key-remapper-for-windows