Here's my entry. It's a bit amateurish, and not really finished yet, but I think it will make do. Sorry for the length, you can tl;dr all you want. Enjoy.
Note: the full story has 16594 characters, so it's far too long, but I just can't shorten it now that I wrote it in at least a manageable chunk. I will just post it in two/three pieces, and if I'm disqualified, so be it. (and to tell you the truth, it would have to be at least three times longer to be fully completed)
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1.
It wasn't even that big of a sword...
Please stop kicking me, the blue clouds aren't red yet...
Wait...
I slowly stand up, trying not to cough too hard and with too much bile. I still have my dignity. Sometimes.
"Are we there yet?" I said.
"Well, Yan, finally! I could have sworn I was growing old from looking at you snore."
It was the priest, Mela. What a stupid name she had. Pretty face though, with long, brown hair. And none too experienced, too. Just... perfect.
"It's not my fault you have ears and eyes. Blame your parents. Now, where are we?"
"Some sort of a dungeon, by the smell of it." She said, sniffing the air in mid sentence.
"Your perception is superb. By the Gods, an actual dungeon. How original." It wasn't, really. Half of the Nations economy was dungeon raiding based, the other half building dungeons. One could say we were in a depression, and mines were the norm.
"What's the last thing you remember?" she asked.
"Not liking you. Then, a fart joke. No, it was the other way round. You didn't laugh one bit at my epic flatulence expression. I didn't like that. I put my heart and...er...soul into that joke."
"You're a bard, and all you ever do is make fart jokes. I wanted an original ballad, something to clear my mind. Wait... Griffin was there. And so was Aaron. Were we eating dinner?"
I remembered now. Yes, we were eating dinner. Some kind of soup with mushrooms. Mushrooms... "I think I know what's going on. We were high, and now we're low. Underground. It's as low as you can get. And prisoners, probably." Up to this point, I was looking around for my gear, but found only empty space with a few lit torches and all kinds of dirt. We were in a small room, with no obvious doors leading out.
Mela was starting to get nervous. "I don't like this place. It feels like it's full of dead spirits. Do you..." she hesitated "Do you think we are all prisoners here, locked up separately, or are we the last ones left?"
I tried to calm her. "You're thinking too fast. We're trapped, that's for sure, but what happened to our companions is just wild speculation. Before we blacked out, assuming you did too, they could have had the chance to flee, or were never taken in the first place. One thing is certain: We're not dead, not yet anyway, and maybe that's how our jailers are trying to keep it. Now to think, who would like to have us kept in the first place. Who hates us..."
"Half the girls from Fairlance region?" Oh, the wit this girl possesses!
"No, it was half last month, I reckon. Now it's no less than three quarters. I..." Then I realised something. "But enough about me, let's talk about you. Seen any elves lately?"
"They are real! I told you a thousand times, they came to me, and it was them that thought me the final healing rituals. And don't you start mocking them again!"
I wasn't about to. "Look behind you." She did, and was quite taken aback by the sight. Oh bloody hell, she screamed and jumped some distance back, with me in the way. What got her so exited? It was a stupid elf.
2.
"Are you sure it's not a song of the Brother and sister? The dialect might be foreign to me, but the general flow of text is the same. And if it is the song, then at least we know they might be friendly."
"No, it can't be. It's crazy to think otherwise. These things don't just happen to be written on a moldy old wall in the middle of a room in a dark and damp underground vault where you wake up from inexplicably loosing consciousness while peacefully eating soup in a tavern and minding your own business, and I certainly wouldn't give two shits if it was! Now if one old paladin would... kindly... try to stay focused to the task of finding a way out of this hellhole, we can set the world straight, kill those responsible, and find a nice retirement home for the likes of you. Comprende?"
"Insufferable!" Shouted Aaron.
"You called?" I replied. It was a shame we didn't have a painter with us. The look on Aaron's face after Griffin's rant was worth a king's ransom. All that kindly bearded charm usually present was replaced with shock and red faced rage, also usually present when Griffin was near. I turned my head to Griffin "Is this nice old man disturbing you, mighty Warrior? Should we call for the the city guard, or a priest? Oh look, we have one present. Tell me, kind lady, is there a remedy for pathological fear of our most distinguished generation?"
She was not in the mood: "That's his way of saying it's nice to see you're both all right. We were just..."
"Who the fuck is that?" said Griffin, half shouting and pointing at the elf.
"Allow me to introduce myself." Our new companion spoke, "My name is Fif, servant to our master, and keeper of these halls."
"You call these halls?" Aaron asked, a bit grimly "It's a rats breeding ground. Not to mention their latrine." Aaron usually didn't talk like that, but obviously he was still mad from the jab from The Griff.
"Our halls are in a state of disrepair, and to be completely honest, were never the sight of the great halls of your lords. But we make do."
"I've got a couple of questions." said Griffin, "First, who. Second, where. Third, why, and fourth..." he suddenly made a fist, and was about to punch Fif, and he would have succeeded to, if it wasn't for that meddling kid, Mela. She jumped in the way just in time, and caught Griffin off balance. They both tumbled to the side, awkwardly throwing insults at each other while struggling to get up. That reminded me of an anecdote when she did a similar thing to me ten minutes ago, and almost broke my arm. She said she was sorry, that she was frightened by the sudden appearance of the elf, but now I see she just likes to jump at men. Ah, they grow up so fast.
"Dammit girl, do you know I can crush you with..."
"Are you insane??!! Punching The first peaceful elf you ever meet? No wonder you are banished from every village you come across. He's here to help us, to guide us out of here. Now stop being such an ASSHOLE..." I whistled in admiration "AND CALM DOWN!"
"Right, sorry." Griffin apologising? What planet are we on exactly? "But I don't trust him."
"He's right." And now Aaron agreeing with Griffin?? Stab me. "You said he can guide us out of here. How do we know that to be truthful, Mela? He can very well take us even deeper into this dungeon, and to who knows where..."
"I... I just know. Trust me, okay?"
"Well, I can't. Not unless the elf can distinguish us with with an explanation or two."
Suddenly, Fif made a gesture of disagreement "That is quite impossible. I can guide you on the right path, but to tell you anything relevant, I cannot. I am forbidden."
"By who?" Asked Aaron.
"The Master."
I took the bait "No, Fif, I told you no such thing. Go ahead, tell them everything."
They were all less than amused.
3.
"Is it just me," asked Griffin, "or does everybody have the feeling that this situation can't get more absurd? Here we are, down to our basic clothes, without food, equipment, weapons, probably being led astray by a mythological ancient creature you can only see on tapestries and painted on tavern doors for good luck,..."
"Oh shut up." Responded Mela, "They were once there for me, I'm sure they will do the same now. Otherwise, why bother."
Griffin continued: "Ah, I see, so they once already abducted you, put you in an underground lair, and though you a spell or two? Couldn't they, I don't know, wrote you a letter or something? I don't see how this is necessary."
It was Aaron's turn: "Look, you two, I'm sure that's all well and good, but it won't help us in any way right now. Let's just stick to the task at hand, and we can theorise later. First thing's first: We must stick together, and use our abilities to the maximum at a given situation. Yan, please look for traps."
"Sure, no problem, but this task would be easier if Fif would actually walk in front of us and, you know, guide us, and not walk behind us as if he himself doesn't know if and where the traps are."
Fif opened his mouth again, which he rarely did: "I can assure you, I will not simply tell you where to go, but merely be your guide in the form of advice and lore, if the situation demands it."
Gods, what a monotone voice! I'd rather risk a fatal trap than listen to his "Lore". Good thing he's mostly silent. And these passages! They stretch on for miles. No more than three people can walk side by side on them, but their height can stretch to the combined height of ten full grown men. Was this build for giants? Thin giants? Tall spaghetti men? I'm hungry.
"Hey Griff, now that you don't have your axe with you, I can basically kick your ass easily, right? Like you once said, all my might is in my axe."
"No, I said my axe is as mighty as me, and that we make a great pair. And I have no doubts that I could quickly defeat you, axe or not."
"Heh," chuckled Mela, "Do you think, with my superior power of jumping into people, you would be a mach for me? You think you could kick my ass, Yan?"
I responded "Oh no, I would never kick your ass, that's out of the question."
"Really?" She asked, with surprised admiration of my new found gentleman ways.
"But I would spank it, definitely"
"Really?" Now she sounded less impressed.