orcishgamer: You don't need to worry, I'm well aware of all the hand wringing that's gone on over this. You're view of historical accuracy is, I suppose, the only one that let's you reconcile it all in your head, but incorrect nonetheless. Feel free to visit the various university professors across the US that can do a far better job than I demonstrating the gnosticism of John.
Gnostic mysteries were very common in that era and pre-date the stapling together of the Bible by centuries. Note, that kooks claiming to be the messiah were extremely common around the time of Jesus as well, as they weren't terribly fond of Roman rule.
You're of course aware that the oldest versions of Mark we have available fail to mention the supposed resurrection, yes I'm aware of all the hand wringing about "they left space!", the simple answer was, that shit is inconsistent. I've read the KJV of the Bible in English and the Louis Segond version in French, they don't match, you know why? Because they were using different "favorite" manuscripts. They can't even tell in some what's notes left in the margins versus actual copied content from the predecessor.
Wow! I am glad you are this thorough and fair with ALL ancient texts! I mean, why criticize ancient texts like the 'Iliad' (which have far LESS original manuscript evidence than the Bible does) when you can go after the Bible which has been scrutinized, teared apart, and analyzed for more than 2000 years. But hey, I guess it depends on the type of assumptions and presumptions one brings to the table when doing research and study, right?
Also, I am sure you are aware that there are many different schools of ancient Biblical manuscript scholarship studies right? Lets see, besides the generic U.S. Universities (not knocking them!), there are Liberal, Conservative, and a mix of both schools that have equal access to the manuscripts as well. But, one side can always be biased, right? Being biased doesn't have to always be the sole property of 'Bible Thumpers (TM)' and religious nuts, right? But, like you accuse me of being set in my ways, I assume that you too have decided once and for all too!
So, while there are many Liberal schools out there that take the road of Higher Criticism, there are many other schools, conservative, moderate (and some very few open-minded Liberal institutions), that also have access to the same material and manuscripts and come away with completely different opinions. But, I suppose you will dismiss all that because you have made up your mind. Your choice.
I recommend you check out R. C. Sproul's "Battle for the Mind." Sproul discusses much of what we are talking about (higher criticism, secular vs. theological, etc). Peace.