(I am posting this verbatim from my post on another forum, Press X or Die. I go by DukeOfPwn over there.)
Here's my review of Transformers 3. If you want to have suicidal thoughts, go see it. Dumb? You bet! Incoherent? Fuck yeah! Even more racist than the last movie, expanding to an entire new ethnic group (Asians)? You know it!

I may accidentally delve into spoilers, but it's 3 in the morning, and I have to unload all of this before I dive into my bed, upset that I've contributed to such a shit show. It may also mean that this is rambly and possibly incoherent, but that would be a step up from the drivel in the movie.

I'm just going to rattle off every problem that comes from the top of my head;

1. Leonard Nimoy plays the main villain, and the movie won't let you forget it. What are the two sidekick bots watching in the house? Star Trek! What does She Liboof announce loudly when he sees fancy cars? "THESE LOOK LIKE THEY CAME FROM STAR TREK, HUR DUR!" What happens when he enters a fancy building? "I FEEL LIKE I'M ONNA USS ENTERPRISE, HUR DERP!"
2. The main human antagonist is the most poorly-written villain I've ever seen. At first you think, "Oh, he's just doing this because he 'knows' the humans will lose anyway. Makes perfect sense". What makes him absolutely, positively horrible is that when the tide turns and the humans are most likely going to win, he reactivates the doomsday device! It feels like they just wrote a back story for a villain just to say he wasn't one-dimensional, only to have him act one-dimensional 100% of the time.
3. Fuck that new love interest. I never thought these words would escape my...fingers, but Megan Fox is sorely missed. Megan Fox could at least deliver lines somewhat competently. This new girl can't even go through a sentence without sounding like the dumbest bimbo in the world.
4. Every attempt at comic relief was absolutely horrible. But I did find humor in the serious bits, like when Sentinel punches the shit out of the Abraham Lincoln statue and sits in the giant Abraham Lincoln chair.
5. The visuals in this movie are so damn inconsistent. Most of the beginning parts look like they came from a movie with a much smaller budget. They do all sorts of effects, like switching from Fake Kennedy to Real Kennedy in the span of seconds (which makes the Fake Kennedy really stand out as an awful impersonation), or keeping zero shot consistency at the end of the film (the back-and-forth dialog camera angles are present, only they're in different poses every time it switches to the other speaker).
6. NOTHING HAPPENS FOR A FULL HOUR.
7. SherLeBeef is such a douche to his girlfriend, to his friends, and to the Autobots. He doesn't even have a decent reason. "I GOT A MEDAL FROM OBAMA AND I'M SPECIAL WHY WON'T ANYONE HIRE ME?" is not a valid reason.
8. At one point in the movie, Shulbeets is running with Seal Team Six and Victoria's Secret down a dirty alleyway. Suddenly, the Seals turn into the nearest building, while our "heroes" continue straight on. The Seal team's reaction? "Where did they go?" YOU SAW WHERE THEY WENT, YOU FUCKING MORONS. YOU WATCHED THEM RUN THAT WAY BEFORE YOU DUCKED INTO A BUILDING.
9. There's no tension. Optimus has already died twice, and Shialebrofugh died once. Both came back to life. You can't build tension when the heroes are all invincible badasses. The only characters they bother knocking out of commission in this one are not important to the story, like English Gentbot and Lacking Personalitybot.
10. You hire John Malkovitch and that woman from Fargo, and then you give them terrible parts. Way to spend your acting budget, Michael Bay.
11. The assholes in front of me reeked of pot. That's not part of the movie, but I can only assume that it is also Michael Bay's fault.
12. Worst cuts in a movie ever. They transition from a ruined cityscape to the side of a bloodhound's head. I heard someone from the audience scream, "Wait, what the fuck?" I can only share his surprise. Also, the the movie takes 154 minutes, yet it spends zero time on the ending. It just ends.
13. GODDAMN YOU WHY DID YOU DRAG THE REAL BUZZ ALDRIN INTO THIS AND MAKE HIM SAY SUCH HORRIBLE LINES YOU DISGRACEFUL BASTARDS
14. This movie sucks.
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZz

It's illogical crap like that being the reason I rarely watch movies *smh*

You know, everybody's all "OMG Bay sucks and all his movies are shit" but if you didn't almost fall out of your seat with excitement when that first transformer went from helicopter to "screw you, earthlings" then you have no soul.

In fact, nobody was less than awestruck by that moment. It was like back in 1977 when that Star Destroyer came overhead after the Tantive IV and just...kept...coming. It was a goddamn moment of movie history, and you loved it. And anyone who says otherwise is a dirty liar.

Ah, you're smegging right there.

uhm .... eat my dirty lying ass? the transformations were dumped all over the place before the movie was released, years before in fact, so no the transformations were not at all awe inspiring ... the only "awe" that I felt for that scene (or any scene in any of these movies) is that my inner child felt "awe-fully" violated.

... and if I have no soul then it's because these atrocities sucked it out of me and left me as a sobbing emotional void desperately yearning for his child like ideology that there really couldn't be anything worse than Transformers: Armada.

Saw transformers 2 at a mate that omg its crap but now it sounds like its way better than the 3rd all i can say is if this is what you pay your money to the cinema you better off buying a gog at least its cheaper, it will last longer and micheal bays has sod all to do with the games :)

Transformers: The Movie from 1986 is still far better than anything Michael Bay has done. Oh and Leonard Nimoy is in that one too.

Coming 2012... He-Man by Michael BOOM Bay.

I hope you're joking.

Toby Maguire with sword in the air shouting "I have the power!". Just think; it could actually happen in Hollywood.

I lol'd.

By the way it's "I invoke the power of Greystone!"

Is it not: "By the power of Greyskull, I have the power!"?

I'm pretty sure I remember being five years old and thinking that it was strange to repeat the word 'power' twice. Kind of like if you were getting married and the official announced, "By the power invested in me, I have the power!".

Actually, come to think of it, I would have loved that at my own wedding.