So time is a funny thing.
When you are having fun it flies, when things are boring it hardly moves, and when things are painful it appears to be going the wrong way.

I am giving away 2 copies of Time Commando --> https://secure.gog.com/gamecard/time_commando , personally a classic and favorite game of mine. It is a simple side scrolling 2.5D game from the early 90's, made by the same people who brought you Little Big Adventure.

To win I would like some jokes, that is it - to win this game just post a funny joke before 12:00pm GMT 13/07/13 and I will choose a winner by the end of the weekend.
I will decide by reading all the jokes and choosing my favorite of the lot.
I accept all kinds (but as this is a family friendly place)....... the best ones are often the simplest.

Good luck, and please let there be more then one entry.

Now closed, see entry 26 for the winners
http://www.gog.com/forum/general/time_to_gift/post26

NOT IN But +1 for the giveaway :)

I like this joke :

A man at work calls home and his 8 years old daughter picks the phone:

“Hi honey,this is daddy.Is mommy near the phone?”

“No daddy she is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.” The little girl said.

After a brief pause daddy says,“But honey you haven’t got an uncle Paul!”

“Oh yes I do, and he is upstairs in the room with mommy right now.”

Brief pause,“Uh okay then,this is what I want you to do, put the phone down on the table,run upstairs,knock on the bedroom door, and shout to mommy that daddy’s car has just arrived at the gate.”

“Ok daddy just a minute....”

A while later the little girl comes back to the phone, “Done it daddy.”

Her dad asks "What happened honey?”

“Well, mommy got scared and jumped out of the bed naked, ran round the room screaming, tripped over,and knocked her head on the staircase, now she is not moving at all. I think she's dead”

“What about Uncle Paul?” asked Dad.

The little girl replies "He jumped out the window into the swimming pool, but I guess he didn’t know you emptied the water last week. He hit the bottom and I think he’s dead too.”

After a really long pause this time...Daddy says, “Swimming pool, but we don't have a swimming pool! Is this 486-5731?”

“No,this is 486-5713”

“Oh...Sorry.... wrong number....!

In
OK, joke um........

Roberta Williams, Richard Garriot, and Peter Molyneux are sitting at a bar, when a man bursts in with both hands cut off, asking the three of them for help.
Roberta is happy to give him her medical supplies, but they are locked in a box that can only be opened with a combination of a fish and a lawnmower, and he'll need a mouse to get to those, and for that he'll need pliers ect.
Richard happily gives the man a hand-restoring machine he made, but the interface is so bad and it is so unclear as to what you even need to do that the man quickly gives up.
Peter promises not only to heal him and give him new hands, but the new hands will be the greatest hands ever seen by mankind, capable of doing things no one ever thought were, but in the end produces only a band-aid and a shot of vodka to disinfect the wounds.
After this, the man drops dead from blood loss, and everyone in the bar congratulates the three for their valiance in trying to save him.

Subtlety, what's that?

not in +1

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other, wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, then open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"


Angry Birds coming to Facebook’
But as long as they post pictures of themselves naked I couldn’t give shit how angry they are.

In please. +1
And here is a joke I heard when I lived in the UK
A Panda in the zoo is told that it has to be put down because the zoo can't keep it any more.
It is very sad so the zookeeper decides to give it a night out in the town and sends it on its merry way with money to party.
The panda picks up a hooker and goes back to her place. It eats everything in the fridge and has its way with her and gets up takes it coat back on and gets ready to go. The girl stops it and says hey you can't go you have to pay. Why? asks the panda. Well I am a prostitutesay the hooker. What is that? asks the panda. The girl tosses the panda an encyclopaedia look up under prostitute.
the panda looks it up.
Prostitute: Someone who gets paid for sexual favours.
Yah says the panda and tosses the book back to the girl look up under panda.
and she does.
Panda: Eat shoots and leaves.

+1 from me, but I'm not in since I don't like the game.

And here comes an evil lawyer joke:

A man has fallen onto the train tracks, and many commuters gather round, trying to get him back up.

"Give me your hand, give me your hand!" they cry, in vain. The man refuses to budge.

All of a sudden, an older man arrives and asks "son, what is your profession?"

"I...I'm a lawyer," the man on the tracks stammers.

The older man sighs and says "take my hand", which the lawyer does, and he is rescued in the nick of time as a train pulls up to the station.

"Never tell a lawyer to give you anything," the older man explains to the crowd.

Time's fun when you're having flies! (Wait! That's a Kermit joke). Good of ya.

Oh man, I played this as kid when I was with a friend and I've wanted to play it again! I'm totally in, and +1!

Here are a couple:

So, an Irishman walks out of a bar...
... No, really, it could happen!

Knock knock
Who's there?
Eatmop.
Eatmop who?
Ewww, no thanks!

These I made up, but are verbal wordplay jokes so I put the parenthises:

Why did the young vampire eat a shoe?
.. He just found out he had no soul (sole) inside.

Why did the pimp approach the woman who slapped her kid in the face?
...He thought she was horrible (whore-able).

Why did the resturant critic stop eating the entrail soup?
... Because he thought it was aweful (offal)!

A lawyer walks into a bar. This is followed by a Rabbi, a Priest, a county Judge, a horse, a Chinese man, an elderly couple, an African American woman, and with each one the owner of the bar gets more and more irritated. When the city Mayor walks into his bar, he finally breaks silence. "Why the fuck do I bother having windows if everyone keeps walking into them!?"

Thanks for the giveaway.

Latvian man hear knock at door. "Who is it?" ask man.
"Is Potato Man. Am delivering free potatoes door-to-door" say voice.
Man rejoice. "Oh! Such a blessing! This must be wonderful dream!"
Latvian open door, man say "just kidding. Is Secret Police."

I'm bad at jokes, so I'll pass. Thanks for the gifting time.

So I'll plant a time bump instead...
Muahahahaha...*choke* *choke* *collapse*

Thanks and +1 for your generosity, 011284mm! Please, count me in.

Here's mine:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Commando BUMP!

Yay! I'd like to try going Time Commando. In and thank you!


A catholic priest, a protestant priest and a rabbi are in a boat on the Lake of Gennesaret, fishing. They don't catch anything and after a while the catholic says: "You know guys. I'm hungry. I'll go get some burgers." He steps over board and walks across the water to the shore, gets some burgers and returns.
After they have eaten the protestant says: "That was good. But now I'm thirsty. I'll get us something to drink." He steps over board, walks across the water to the shore, gets some softdrinks an returns.
The rabbi thinks 'I can't just have them work miracles and not try to do the same! God, please help me.' He says: "You know, I'd like to smoke now. I'll get us some cigarettes." He steps over board and sinks like a stone.
The protestant asks the catholic: "Do you think we should have told him about the stepping stones?"

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Or, inspired by a joke further above, another one:

There is a party on the roof terrace of a skyscraper. Two quite drunk guests are talking and one observes: "The wind between these skyscrapers is friggin strong! I bet a hanky couldn't even fall here!" he takes out a handkerchief and throws it over the balustrade. Sure enough, the updraft catches the handkerchief and blows it back on the roof.
The other man says: "I wonder if it's strong enough to lift an empty can!" He throws an empty beer can, and indeed the wind picks it up and blows it back on the terrace.
The first man says: "I bet that also works with people!" Before the other can stop him, he jumps over the balustrade, falls a few meters and then is miraculously picked up by the wind, flies back up and lands safely on the terrace.
"Wow!" the second man gasps. "I have to try that too!" He jumps over the balustrade and drops screaming to his death.
A third one who has been watching, says reproachfully to the first: "You know. When you are drunk you really are an asshole, Superman!"