If we're going to go the single word punchline route, then I've got one.

Scalia.

Today's music

From a very early age, right up to about 30 years old, i genuinely thought "one horse open sleigh" was "one horse, soap, and sleigh"! One day i commented to my wife, "what the hell is the soap for anyway, when their already in snow?"

But it is not so unusual for me, i am the kind of person that takes things as they sound in exactly correct English, hence there are practically no songs in existence where i know the correct words just by hearing the singers pathetic attempt at pronouncing the words in English. .... and there are consequences, especially now i have a 3 year old daughter, and the other day there was some horrible swearing rap song on the radio and I'm sitting there swinging away to the beat perfectly happy then my wife comes in screaming, "what are you letting her listen too" and suddenly i'm like "oh, their speaking English what??" (red face). Then if i really concentrate very hard, i can actually detect a bit of English in there somewhere!
Hahaha, but it is not like that so much in Cabramatta.... I think it is more to do with old age, because younger Asians do actually seem to be aware of their surroundings, whereas the older Asian drivers, honestly, i don't think i have ever even seen one turn their head at all ever while driving,,, just look straight in front and lookout because their coming on through no matter what!

Kind of long, but funny.

Woman gets a new, super fast sports car, so she decides to have some fun with the cops. So she speeds up to 70MPH and a motorcycle cop gives chase. Just as he's about to catch up, she presses the accelerator and ups her speed to 90MPH.

Once again the motorcycle cop is about to catch her, so she presses the accelerator more and speeds up to 115MPH. Once again the cop gains on her and now, fearing she may be caught, she floors the thing. Off she goes leaving the cop behind.

After some time and no more cop she turned around and went back to see what had happened. She found the cop badly hurt, laying in a ditch with the bike crashed to bits. So she asked what happened.

"Well, that last time I almost caught you, when you pulled away from me so fast I thought my motorcycle had stopped. So I got off to see what happened."

Top 10 most likely reasons the cop on the motor cycle 'really' crashed in order of likelihood...

1) Cyclist wearing leotards cut him off
2) Bus pulled out from a bus stop not caring what was coming.
3) Taxi.... did something arrogant and stupid, take your pick!
4) Truck pulling out from truck stop or driveway. Did you know the traffic on the main road is supposed to give way to them? NOT!
5) Some old fart in a luxury vehicle such as a Mercedes, pulled out from a driveway or side street without giving way.... Oh My God, does that really happen, really, ??? (extreme sarcasm alert)
6) Some moron thought it was a good idea to let their dog to run loose on the streets.
7) A very good parking spot became available and in the ensuing panic to get the spot, the Cop was knocked off his bike.
8) One of those fast walking pedestrians baulked the cop by doing that thing they do,,, you know the type, pretending to step out onto the road and then stepping back again.
9) Some idiot with some irrelevant problem wanted to talk to the cop by jumping in front of him to wave him down!
10) Huge pothole in the road (adjust up to number 1 according to geographical location)

How is a wet floor like music?

If you don't C-sharp, you'll B-flat.

Q. Which horseman of the Apocalypse has the smelliest trousers?

A. War. War never changes.

You should never allow yourself to become excessively bored in a boat, or you might go 'overbored'

Why did the old man retire? To replace the flat one

My brother Keith once told me that...
Ellis, not now honey.
Mmkay...

Under what circumstances does the term 'not right now' mean 'forever'

Answer.. when married, spoken by the wife, when going to bed at night!

Marriage is a joke

Okay, so a naked blonde woman walks into a bar. She has a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. The bartender says, "I guess you won't be needing a drink." Naked lady says- *BANG* *Flop*

Why do men get married? Love and or money.

Why do women get married? It is a worldwide conspiracy to reduce the amount of sex men get as much as possible!
Edit: and for the free houses they get after the men crack under the pressure of no sex.

You know those type of people you meet in life, the ones that get the good parking spots (and would be shocked if they didn't) win holidays, bank errors in their favor, never get audited by the government, never get caught speeding blah blah blah,,, oh and yea, always find the 1% of miraculous freaks of nature women out there who actually have a real sex drive... you know, real sex drives not these fake - what women think is expected of them by society fake sex drive.

Edit: It is not that all these women don't have sex drives at all, it is like, when your at home comfortable, and feel a little bit like having a drink of Cola but your not quite sure it is worth getting up and walking to the kitchen..... this is exactly what most women's sex drive is like.