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General discussion (archive)Tell A Joke(138 posts)(138 posts)
(138 posts)
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This is my favourite topic
Posted November 30, 2014
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leaguehq: When I die, I want to go like grandpa did -- quietly and in his sleep.
Not screaming like the passengers in his car.
I don't know whether to laugh or not. :|
Posted November 30, 2014
Here's a dirty one:

Janek and Marian are two neighbor-farmers from a small village but Janek's pigs are noticeably bigger compared to Marian's heard even though they seem to feed the pigs with the same stuff, so Marian asks his neighbor about his pig feeding secret.
- Well, - he says - sometimes I load them into my trailer, drive them into the woods, then fuck them and usually the very same night they eat like no tomorrow.
Except Marian didn't have big enough trailer of his own, so he asked his neighbor if he could lend him the trailer for the evening, and after Janek agreed they loaded Marian's pigs. So he drove them into the woods, fucked them and drove them back after which he went to bed.
Marian's wife violently wakes him up in the middle of the night.
- Marian do something!! - she screams.
- WHAT?! - shouts Marian - Did the pigs started to eat already?
- Why, no... - she replied - They sit in the car and honk all the time.
Posted November 30, 2014
I don't get it TwT
Posted November 30, 2014
There were two friends. Donny, who could drink a lot at the bar and then drive as if he was sober. And Josh, who couldn't do that, so he asked Donny to teach him this trick. They went to a bar, Donny bought a bottle of rum and told Josh to drink it. Then Donny shows one finger to his friend and asks:
"How many fingers do you see?"
"One!"
Donny bought another bottle, asked Josh to drink and shows one finger again.
"How many fingers do you see now?"
"Umm... Two" - says Josh.
Donny bought a third bottle, asked Josh to drink and shows one finger once again.
"So, how many fingers do you see now?"
"THreE!"
"Ok, lets drive!" - says Donny.
They go into a car, Josh is at the wheel, they drive. In front of them there is another car. Donny teaches Josh:
"How many cars do you see in front?"
"THreE!!"
"Ok, so the middle one is real. We drive around it"
They are driving further, there is a truck in front. Donny asks:
"How many trucks do you see in front?"
"Well...THREE!"
"Okay. The middle one is real. Lets drive around it"
They are successfuly driving further. Now there is a bridge in front. Donny says:
"Josh, now it's..."
"WAIT, wAIt, wait!! I know already! The middle one is real... We..DRIVE AROUND IT!"
Post edited November 30, 2014 by Dessimu
Posted November 30, 2014
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Ghostbreed: I don't get it TwT
Seems like the pigs liked it, no?
Posted November 30, 2014
"When I was born, my father spent three weeks trying to find a loophole in my birth certificate." Jackie Vernon
Post edited November 30, 2014 by SpringPower
Posted December 01, 2014
Dwayne is recovering from surgery, having had a local anaesthetic when a nurse asks him how he's feeling.' I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery'.

'What did he say?' asks the nurse.

'OOPS!'

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A Polish immigrant went to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters. On the bottom row were these letters:

'C Z W I N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied - 'I know the fellow.'

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

What goes “Oh oh oh”?

Santa walking backwards.
Posted December 01, 2014
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ZFR: What does the Australian do after watching his team beat England in a cricket game?
Switches off his playstation and goes to bed.
Or he puts away his 'VHS' tapes of old cricket games!

What would be the first order of business if ever England conquered Australia again?

Find and burn all the old VHS tapes of cricket games between England and Australia!
Posted December 01, 2014
what is red and smells like blue paint ?


red paint



i never said it was gonna be a good joke
Posted December 01, 2014
This is for the swedes:

Det var en gång, och den var sandad.
Posted December 01, 2014
Just to give it a bump:

Bill Gates goes to purgatory.

St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".

First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.

Bill chooses Hell.

About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.

Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"

St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."

I forgotten to post one of my fav´s:

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"

"No."

"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."
Post edited December 01, 2014 by Goodaltgamer
Posted December 01, 2014
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Goodaltgamer: In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"

"No."

"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."
Hey! Disorder in the American Courts!
Here is another joke from the book:

"ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?"
Posted December 01, 2014
An irish walks out from a bar.
Posted December 02, 2014
I saw this one on my godson's t-shirt Saturday:

There are two types of geek:

May the force be

mass times acceleration.
Posted December 02, 2014
Guy buys a talking parrot to keep him company. But the parrot never shuts up, and all it does is insults the man. So, after getting tired of being insulted all the time, the man put the parrot in the freezer hoping to teach it a lesson.

After a few minutes in the freezer, the insults stopped. The man was worried he had killed the parrot, so he opened the freezer and took him out.

"P-P-Please f-f-forgive m-me sir. I-I'm so s-sorry for in-in-insulting you."

Then the parrot paused, looked at the man and said:

"B-By the w-way, wh-what did the turkey do to you?"
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This is my favourite topic
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General discussion (archive)Tell A Joke(138 posts)(138 posts)
(138 posts)