Whats green, slimy and smells like bacon?

Kermits fingers

Not a joke as such, but I found it funny.

http://imgur.com/gallery/sZZIQTV

Here is a nice joke from the outback in Australia....

A worker on a sheep farm had a bad habit of always taking a crap in the bushes whenever the boss needed him. The Boss got tired of this and told the worker "if you keep crapping so much, your guts will fall out". The worker didn't listen and the next day when the boss was looking for him, sure enough he was in the bushes crapping again. So the boss had an idea, he went and found a dead sheep in the paddock, removed its guts, then stealthily placed the guts under the worker crapping in the bushes.

Later on that day, the worker looking rather ill, came up to the boss and said "you know how you said my guts would fall out, well they did! and although i didn't feel them coming out, i had a terrible time getting them back in!!

little bit of an insider joke:

What is the biggest parking lot in the world?

M25 around London, and don´t forget where you parked your car!!

This is hilarious, and I don't even celebrate Thanksgiving.

AHAHHAHA, I love this.

"Hey Doc. I think everybody's ignoring me!."
"Next please."

"Hey Doc. Nobody seems to take me serious!"
"You're kidding me."

"Hey Doc, something bad happened. My son got laid by some girl and caught some STI."
"I can have a look at him."
"But it doesn't stop here. He also slept with the maid and I do so too..."
"Then it's pretty sure you're infected too. Let me have a look at you."
"Yes, but the problem is, of course I also slept with my wife..."
"Oh no! We're all infected!"

"Hey Doc, I have a penis like a newborn."
"That's strange for a grown man... I'll take a look at it."
The doctor has a look and pales.
"Like I said - 3500g, 48cm - like a newborn".

What is the best place to raise a child? An elevator.

Q: Why can't you take a turkey to church?
A: They use FOWL language.

Q: Why was the Thanksgiving soup so expensive?
A: It had 24 carrots.

Q: What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it?
A: Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.

Q: What do you get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids!

Q: What's an ig?
A: A snow house without a loo!

Q: Why do seals swim in salt water?
A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

Q: Where can you find an ocean without any water?
A: On a map!

Steam.

When I die, I want to go like grandpa did -- quietly and in his sleep.
Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

Cha cha! Good one. I almost sneezed myself after reading this.