Such generosity! Thank you for the opportunity.
(1) I name Temple of Elemental Evil as my prize.
(2)
Once upon a time, there was a man. Let's call him... Harry. Harry, in particular, hated waiting. Hated it. Always, it seemed that he had things to do and places to be, but the universe seemed to conspire to keep him from doing as he wished when he wished. He constantly found himself trapped in traffic, his car finding almost every red light along the way. He had to bring his lunch to work with him, because no matter what restaurant he chose, there were always too many people in line ahead of him for him order his food and return. He began to wonder if there was some supernatural memo generator tied to his decisions to mail packages, since it seemed everyone managed to get to the post office before he did. The man couldn't even go to a party and refill his drink at the punch bowl without winding up trapped behind a pair of jabbering idiots, oblivious to his presence. Always, there were people Harry had to wait behind, wasting his time and wasting his life.
One day, as so often happens in these humorous tales, poor Harry died (while waiting to be seen at a hospital, of course). The population of the world being what is was, he found his soul once again waiting, this time in line for Judgment. After several years and many boring conversations with the old woman behind him regarding her cat ("Oooh, I wish they'd hurry, I want to find out if my Mr. Whiskerkins is okay!" Hideous.), Harry stepped up to the gates of Heaven, and gave his name to the man there.
"Ah, Harry, yes, go right on through! You've already been Judged worthy! They're expecting you!"
That was it?, Harry wondered. Not wanting to find out if there was some other judgment or criteria they were forgetting to apply to him, he quickly strode through the large Heavenly gates. Suddenly, a young lady appeared next to him.
"Welcome to Heaven, Harry! I'm sorry it took us so long to get you in here. I'm Melissa, and I'll be showing you around, letting you know all about your new eternity! We're having a party in your honor, so why don't we head over there while I explain?"
As they walked, Harry found that Heaven was, for the most part, just like Earth, only with all the bits people didn't like taken away. There wasn't any conflict, even with all the different people there. Reality just seemed to alter itself in such a way that everyone was satisfied with everything that happened. As this was explained to him, he suddenly noticed that people were parting to give him plenty of room to walk around.
"They're getting out of my way!" he suddenly realized.
As he and Melissa walked, everyone's path seemed to give him just enough room to walk as fast or slow as he wanted, without having to adjust for anyone. No one seemed to notice or mind. Even those that spoke to him were brief: a friendly "Hello!" or "Welcome!", but nobody stopped him to try and gnaw his ear off with their life story, as so often happened back on Earth.
As they arrived at the party and Harry met his beloved, departed family members, he asked Melissa if that would be true forever. Was he finally rid of all the tedious waiting?
"Can I go anywhere, honestly *anywhere*, and always find a place without any lines?" he asked.
"Absolutely!"
"So if I wanted to go mail some Heavenly package to Jesus Christ himself, I'd find a Heaven Post Office ready and willing to immediately take my package and send it directly to Him, without me having to wait line?"
"Without fail."
"I saw people driving in cars on the way here. Even on the road, I wouldn't have to wait in line for a red light to change for the other drivers?"
"There's no need for lights -- it all just works out. No matter how you drive, how fast or slow you go, you'll never get into a crash with anyone. You wouldn't even need to wait in line to get your Heaven Driver's License; you could just ask for it out loud, and someone would walk up and hand it to you!"
Harry began to weep.
As the party wore on, Harry found himself, for the first time, truly at peace. Talking with so many people had made him thirsty, so he decided it was time to get some punch. On his way to the bowl, he once again noticed how everyone seemed to naturally find somewhere else to be as he drew near. They weren't avoiding him. They simply found somewhere else to be, instead of between him and the punch bowl. And, as he drew closer to the bowl, he saw it was just as Melissa described. There was no punch line.
