As we have such a global community here, I was thinking it would be a good idea to see what I should be doing with myself for a whole two weeks in London and its surrounding areas. Basically all I have on my list right now is at least a day in Paris.

The idea of going to Switzerland is appealing to me; I have this image of an awesome urban area with big beautiful mountains in the background, but I am not sure how feasible it is given I'm only around for two weeks...

The goal of the trip is to see some sights, get some relaxation in, and enjoy. I appreciate the opinions around here more than most around the net, so suggest away!

Around London? Hrm...

Visit the Tower of London
Try REAL Fish & Chips/Go to a Pub, eat the following: Bangers & Mash, Welsh Rarebit.
Big Ben
Real English Tea, Earl Grey Hot.
White Cliffs of Dover
Find Patrick Stewart.

I suppose seeing Scotland is good too, though, "The problem with Scotland, is that it's full of Scots!" LoL

I'd also go beer hopping if your able to, otherwise, enjoy your vacation man!

I don't recommend Switzerland. If you're going there, you should plan a special trip.

As for London, the number 1 tip is to avoid Oxford Street like the plague. Because it is the plague.

There's the usual rota you could do i.e. London Eye, Buckingham Palace, the wax museum, etc. Depends on what you feel like doing. Personally I'm not really interested in sightseeing. The evening life in London is great. I call it the evening life because it starts at around 5pm (or lunchtime on a Saturday and Sunday) and finished at midnight-1am. Everything shuts after that, except for clubs (generally until 3am) and a select few bars (quite hard to find but I can recommend some if you're desperate). But pubs shut at 1, 1:30 latest. Lots of lovely people to meet from all around the world. People in general are friendly. Pick your area according to your personality. Oh and if you're really keen on staying out late, then your best solution is strip clubs, those stay open until 4-8am or so (depends on the club).
The venues in West Central are typically frequented by professionals and has a sizeable and respectable actor community (the West End).
East Central is a major financial area and the people there are generally very pleasant but tend to be a bit more exclusive.
Going slightly north from either you have the Old Street and Shoreditch areas, which are typically frequented by younger people, a sizeable chunk of whom are hipsters.
In general, I'd recommend staying in central. Other areas obviously have their gems, but they are much more residential and there's simply less to see.
Perhaps check out the nicer areas as well, i.e. Notting Hill Gate, Kensington, Chelsea, etc.

The tube and the bus are the most effective ways of getting around. Get something called an Oyster card - you get serious discounts on public transport and when you're leaving, you can sell it back to them. A regular Zone 1 journey single ticket on the tube costs 4 pounds, but it's only 2 with the Oyster card. However, if you think you'll be making use of the public transport system (including both buses and the tube) then consider getting a daily travel card. It's likely to be cheaper. You'll seriously want to avoid the rush hour, ~4:30pm-6:30pm. The tube is an option, but the bus is a waste of time.

There's also tfl.gov.uk - a journey planner.
However, I recommend:
citymapper.co.uk
It's actually coded by a friend of mine and it's a great site for planning your journey. If you have an iPhone or an Android smartphone, you can also get his app for it, however you're likely to wish to avoid roaming charges.

Let me know if you need anything!

edit: fixed typos and added shit.

Oops forgot 1 thing:

SEE TOP GEAR.

Hell yes.

Hehehe, I find the idea of calling Paris in 'the area surrounding London' quite amusing, but I guess you have a different sense of scale in the US. My advice if you only have two weeks is don't try and go to too many different cities. Pick a couple of places and actually spend some decent time there.
Don't be one of those guys who "does Europe". :P

I definitely don't want to be rushing around like a crazed tourist, I would rather have some pleasant laid back experiences if at all possible. I consider Paris "in the area surrounding London" simply because it seems like a nice day trip, and that train ride sounds awesome to me! But I wouldn't want to spend much more time on transportation than that. Oh dear... I guess I do feel some tourist-y urges here and there!

Thanks for the area descriptions, those are going to be very helpful as I plan. Now, this evening life, you seem like you've probably got some choice pubs I should check out.

I actually am not sure how well aligned the term 'pub' is with a 'bar', but I'll assume for now they're both generally all-encompassing. Do you (or does anyone) have recommendations for...

-Standard pubs that are just above average for whatever reason (your 'go-to' place)
-Super-fancy pubs with interesting cocktails I cannot wait to eat all of those things, and I also cannot wait to try some of the beers!

Also, if there's a secret Patrick Stewart locator built in to Oyster Cards, someone should tell me how to use it.

The difference between a pub and a bar is that in a pub, you'll get ridiculed for trying to order a super fancy cocktail. In a bar, you get ridiculed for not doing so.

Haha! I guess I am asking for the best of both worlds, then.

Does London still have mounties with fur hats?

Be careful with the use of the word 'beer.' The English mostly drink ales. I can recommend a couple of places for ales, but personally I cannot stand the atrocity. If you're particularly, morbid, give bitters and stouts a go. Prepare a plastic bag.

I base my choice of pubs by my choice of lager, but even then it's rather hard. It is difficult to get good lager in London.
Typically, I drink Kirin Ichiban (Japanese), Staropramen (Czech), Erdinger (German), Estrella (Spanish), Blue Moon (American, from Colorado I believe), Kozel (Czech) and a few others. You can also get bottled beers on top of these.
As these are import lagers, they go for 4-5 pounds a pint.
If you want something more affordable then particular pubs have exclusive distribution agreements with a particular brewery, these are called the Samuel Smith pubs. They offer Wheat Lager, regular Sam Smith lager and some other stuff, all of which are quite affordable, going for ~2.80-3.50 a pint. I live in West Central so that's the area that I know the best. If you plan on frequenting, then I can give you tips on some great places.

As far as cocktails go, you cannot go wrong with The Lab:
http://www.labbaruk.com/
The cocktails there are simply sublime. I'm a huge fan of Zombies and you can get very, very good ones at the Lab. They also do a special Zombie, which they claim to be by the original recipe (which is supposed to be lost).

I quote their menu:
Don the Beachcomber Zombie "The Big Boy! A heady mix of five rums, Pernod absinthe & maraschino liqueur with fresh grapefruit & lime juice, balanced with a dash of grenadine & velvet Falemum. As the Don said, "Only two per customer!""

It's well worth it, but rather pricey at 18 pounds. Anyway, every single cocktail that I've tried there has been absolutely amazing so you cannot really go wrong.

If you're looking for very classy places then Sketch also has fantastic barmen.
http://www.sketch.uk.com/
The Sketch actually consists of two restaurants and about 2-3 bars and a club. It all fits in rather well and it's a very stylish place. Albeit a bit pricey. And queues on Friday and Saturday evenings can be long.

If you're looking for pubs with a bit of history then you can try The French House. There's a long and interesting story behind this place:
http://www.frenchhousesoho.com/
They serve only half pints of beer, as used to be the tradition. They also have a smashing and very affordable wine list. Also, the food is top notch, they offer a wonderful blend of pub + French food at a very reasonable price. If you're planning to eat, aim to get there well early, preferably a bit before they start serving.

Anyway, that's just the surface of it really! London is a fantastic place for a holiday!

edit: oh yeah and as far as bars and pubs go MonstaMunch is spot on. In a pub you drink beer or wine (if the place is respectable enough) and you can also drink simple stuff like spirit + soft drink / juice. Shots are always welcome.

Mounties are Canadian foo'!
Ah come on, we use the word plenty! But I suppose you're right, it's mostly only in reference to industrially produced super-fizzy crap. You might get a frown if you called a so called 'real ale' beer.

That is a nice list, I might just have to go to all three spots! This is getting me very excited to leave. Fortunately I am going in April so it won't be during the Olympic craze.

I'm glad I didn't go in blind calling everything pubs and beers...

See, the problem is that when us non-English types come around and ask for beer, we get served ale! Honestly, I don't see how you guys can drink it. It's warm and it's bitter. And nasty. I have been to a fair amount of places that campaign for 'real ale,' but unfortunately I cannot really tell the difference.

Yeah you'll truly have an amazing time!

Anyway that got me thinking, I know I'm not the only goglodyte in London, why don't we all meet for a nice frothing cup of ale (pint of lager for others) at one point?