I'm not sure how to deal with this thread, so I'm going to wing it and see what happens. I hope it will resonate with some GoG'ers who might secretly be feeling the same way I am.

I'm a socially awkward, introverted probably misanthropic gamer. I have zero IRL friends. There, I said it. I don't care, I don't have any shame anymore. The more pathetic thing is, I don't even really have any online friends. The ones I had became distant and I fell off their radar.

In my own defense, I don't think it's because I'm a bad person. I can hold a conversation, I used to chat with a few co-workers back when I actually worked. I can be open minded and nonjudgmental, I can make myself presentable. I'm just damaged, damaged by people, by circumstances, probably my own stupidity.

Sometimes I'll play a multiplayer game just to know that on some superficial level, I'm actually interacting with other humans. I can't find a job, I live with my parents, it's not easy, but I'm very grateful for that. If I didn't have their support, I don't want to think about where I'd be right now.

At some point, I know I probably have to open up to people in meatspace. I have to "come out of my shell", I have to try to find a friend. I have to kill my insecurities somehow, get past the emotional baggage I know I carry, I used to deny these things, until my loneliness forced me to confront this fact. It wasn't as hard as I thought to realize this, the harder part is actually doing something about it.

I'm not agoraphobic, I can leave my house, there's just nowhere to go. I live in a boring, ho hum town on the outskirts of a decaying city, wracked by violence, poverty and urban blight. There's nothing here but suburbs and businesses and rotting infrastructure.

It's like, cities and towns today are designed to favor people who spend. Public places are almost nonexistent. If you can't afford to drive around incessantly and patronize business establishments, it's like being a second class citizen. My only hope is the fact that I'm going back to college...again (a sob story for another time perhaps) I pray maybe I'll find one person I can connect with. Just one person, I can shoot the crap with, talk about a game or movie or something, anything.

Loneliness and social isolation will eat away at your soul, it will keep you up at night. You will question reality, your sanity, you will lose your humanity. I know. I don't care how introverted you are, I don't care if you're a certified sociopath. If you are remotely human, you can only hold out for so long without meaningful contact of some kind.

If you have friends, even a-hole friends, try to keep them. I'm not talking about facebook "friends", either. I had IRL friends once, and even though they pissed me off and I had to distance myself from them, I remember bitter sweetly the better times we used to have. That's another side effect of loneliness, nostalgic heartaches that make you wish you could go back in time.

The most horrific thing is when I look out my window, and all I see are other houses. I'm surrounded by houses that block me in and make me feel suffocated. They're like prison bars, wrapping me up in my own place. I can step out, I can go down my driveway, I can walk down my street, but I'm still hemmed in by other people's property. I hate the suburbs, even the city would be better. There's life in the city. A neighborhood in the middle of the day when everyone is at work, and their cars are gone, makes you feel like you're the last one left on Earth ( I wish hehe ). Its' creepy.

If there any gaming groups out there, clans, clubs, guilds, whatever, maybe I can join you. I keep trying, but I can't believe how hard it is to get in with an online gaming group. I used to run my own MMO guilds in better days, not to brag, but I knew how to get crap done and get organized. I don't even have the willpower for it anymore. That's another thing I forgot to mention, how loneliness and tedium can drain your will.

I've probably divulged way more about my life than I should have, even with the anonymity of the internet. But if you take me into your group, we can leave this conversation here. I don't have to whine or complain, or cry on anyone's shoulder, cause I know there are people who have it a hell of a lot worse than me.

I'm not half bad at Team Fortress 2, I'm waiting (quite impatiently) for Torchlight 2, I'm learning how to play chess, I have too many multiplayer games to think of right now and I'm too tired. Just tell me what you play, give me a chance, help me not waste my last summer before I have to go back to college so I can hopefully finally make something out of this mess of a life, thanks for listening.

I'm not a part of a group, but I'm always looking for peeps to play co-op games with. I like to think I'm pretty relaxed, and I enjoy chatting and making jokes while I play.

Even though I have several friends, I always feel a little lonely because I don't feel like I have a particularly close relationship with them. I mean, we joke around a lot, but I don't go out to places with them very often and we don't have in-depth emotional convos. (not that I'm asking you to do that with me :P)

I sent a pm. Posting a reply wasn't working for me a few minutes ago.

I remember before the website "Bigger, fresher, newer" relaunch in the description of "about us" there was a point about the Classy community about how you could "Meet that special someone here"

I wonder if anyone met anyone like that here...

Anyway OP, just curious, how old are you? Your scenario reminds me of my situation when I was like 19 and before I lived in Ireland

I sent you a PM.

I'm in a very similar situation, including the college bit. Hit me back if you're interested.

I'm not leading any big gaming clan/guild/community, but your post reminds me so much of myself from a few years ago that on some level I think you're my Tyler Durden and I've finally snapped and am writing a reply to myself.

So the question I ask myself is what could I say to myself back then, knowing what I know now, which would help me? I won't go too much into it or push it because I know you're trying to get back on track, but I think talking to your doctor could maybe help. Your post raises a lot of depression/social anxiety flags for me, most people suffer to some extent from social anxiety and hide it, but there comes a point where it negatively impacts your life and it doesn't have to be that way.

Another thing I'd recommend is to stop lamenting the loss of the friends you clearly didn't even like. I also pushed away my IRL friends at one point in my life when I was suffering, but it dawned on me one day that they allowed me to do it knowing/seeing I was going through a lot of stuff. Real friends don't do that, and I think circumstance often just pushes us onto a group of people we have nothing in common with. You'll make better friends, trust me, but it's just a side effect of moving on with your life.

I'm sorry if I'm off the mark, maybe what I'm saying doesn't apply to you as much as I think it does. I just find that a lot of the things you say remind me of the same thought patterns I used to go through and I couldn't not post a reply to it. Feel free to drop me a PM if you want to talk about stuff further.

I dropped you a PM too, case you want to talk or play LoL. : )

By the way, it's good to see we have so many kind people here!

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time with your fellow meat sacks. If you ever want to talk about some games, shoot me a PM.

Come to the #gog irc and shoot the shit with us.

Was that a SW:KOTOR reference? Hrm.

PM'd you.

Know all to well what you are talking about - my situation has been brought on by military service, war, and the loss of people I trusted with my life... but also other things.

PM me any time mate. Sometimes just chating w/ someone can keep the darkness at bay [though I tend to have more bad days than good lately].

Good real life friends can piss you off a lot. It is because we are all different from each other so can't expect someone to not piss you off a lot. An a**hole is more than just a person who pisses you off a lot. An a*shole constantly says things and does things to make you feel like garbage or worse. So never keep a-hole friends. They can make your life 1000 times worse than it is now for you. The fun times here and there will be too expensive if these fun times cost you your sanity from being surrounded by a**holes 24/7. When you wrote that, I think you made the mistake of thinking the grass was greener on the other side. You know, looking at the past with rose colored glasses. Or your friends weren't really a**holes. It's not hard to find friends who are not a**holes, you just need to know where to look. I totally agree with you about the keeping real life non a-hole friends part. I do not think it is possible to have a happy life with nobody to share life with. Humans were not designed to be hermits.

So I hope you find good real life friends and I hope everything else in your life improves too.

I know how you feel, I was in a similar situation and now it is a bit better, though not by a large margin.

I'll send you a PM later when I get to the PC and we'll see what we can do.

I understand what you're saying.
In the past I spent two years in my house, going out just to hang around with a small group of friends. We still in constant contact but lately it's been kinda awkward to talk with them. I'm feeling like they're going forward, while I'm being left behind - like if they'd grown up while I hadn't, it's not their fault.
I graduate from college by the end of this year and right now I'm afraid of going back to the NEET lifestyle. The future seems bleak - it's hard to find a job because I live far away from anything, plus people's first impression about me tends to me the worst possible (I'm no good with people I don't know, too much self-awareness :P).

And that's that, all my facade of being a cool guy is now broken.