I've killed my roommate using a paperclip, some cellophane and nearly full box of dental floss and I need help disposing the body. Anyone with some murdering experience (or worked as an aide for Karl Rove, same thing) who can help? I don't have much in the way of tools, but I do have last week's issue of The Economist and a secondhand Fleshlight.

Do you have access to pigs by any chance? I hear they eat pretty much anything.

I don't get why people always waste perfectly pristine bodies by just throwing them away. They're such a rare delicacy these days, and every body part is very nutritious and tasty.

Just invite some folks over and tell them you roadkilled a deer, they won't notice the difference.

I don't have any fishing line. I'm not a seafood person.

Also I'm planning on killing my other two roommates since they're getting suspicious I've done something to him - the house is smelling funny and I've strung up my victim on my door from the ankles.

Or, you could hide the body in a chest and host a dinner party at your place. Just to see if you can pull it off.

I did, but maybe that's just me. Didn't mind, though,

If you don't have a pig farm, wood chipper, or incinerator, your best bet is to bury them out in a peat bog or deep forest somewhere. Ideally, for a burial you'll want an area that's very large and uninhabited, and also un-trafficked. If you're going to put the body in the trunk of your car, make sure to put some weight in the front as well, to counterbalance it, or it'll be obvious that you've got a heavy weight in the back, which may be suspicious. Remember to bring some work gloves, as all that shoveling will really mess up your hands. You'll likely only need to bury the corpse about 3 feet deep, unless it's an area that will likely see a lot of erosion (like a sparsely-grassed hillside).

The other issue you may have will be the time difference for a burial. It's best to do it at night, when nobody's expecting you at work the next day or anything. If possible, try to pass it off as a camping trip or somesuch.

This guy knows what he's talking about. +Rep

Thanks, but I haven't got a shovel - I left it on an archaeological dig site in Pyongyang last February and I haven't been able to go back to get it. I guess my secondhand Fleshlight could work as a shovel, but it's a long shot. Also, I live in the suburbs so I'm having trouble locating a burial ground. Does anyone know any good places to hide a body in the Greater Toronto Area?

I've also got a problem with transport - I don't own a car (my last car was stolen by rowdy youths) so I need to mask the smell while I catch the bus.

Hiding? Whats wrong with you dude? CLEARLY the best option is a form of weekend at bernies style farce where you convince everyone he's still alive then you put him on a bus bound to another state & legitimately claim you have no idea when he's coming back

I think Edgar Allen Poe had some pretty good suggestions for this one. I mean as you can stand the horrifying beat of the... well you know:)

You don't need a burial site, just hide the body in a vacant building. Cover the body in quicklime and sheeting to mask the smell and accelerate decomposition. Board up the door of the building with a nailgun when you're done (The Hilti DX460MX is the cadillac of nailguns).

Unfortunately you'll have to do some travel regardless of the method you choose. If you need to store the body until it can be transported, you can try the trash-bag method, but that generally requires chopping up the body, which can be quite a mess. A cheaper and (slightly) less messy method is to simply put the body in a bathtub full of fabric softener. Most cadavers nowadays are preserved in fabric softener rather than formaldehyde, due to cost and also toxicity. It doesn't preserve them as long as formaldehyde, but it keeps the smell in check, and you shouldn't be holding on to it for too long anyway.

If you're unable to purchase a shovel, you can dispose of the deceased in the ocean, but that requires a boat, a cinderblock, some quality synthetic rope, and a decent understanding of good knot-work. A single cinderblock is more than enough weight to keep a body down, provided it's attached securely. Ideally you'd want to drop it off past the edge of the continental shelf, but depending on the size and seaworthiness of your boat, that may not be an option.

Unfortunately, thanks to federal government stimulus money, there are no vacant buildings near me. I'm afraid I'll still need to use a burial site. The nailgun does seem useful for long plane trips though.