So I took my sweet time but finally tried the Linux/Ubuntu thing at least. (One of my more confusing experiences, starting with "How do I install flashplayer?! o_0")
I didn't notice any crackling (trying the usual method of watching a youtube video and doing random stuff in other tabs) so I'm guessing it's safe to assume it's a software issue and I really should try a Windows re-install instead of frantically fiddling with drivers even more?

Bah, now you're just trying to scare me.
Which is really, really easy.

This is going to take me another 15 years. I'm not good at "getting shit done".
And then I'll have to mark something as a solution, out of several helpful posts. :<

Stop procrastinating on these forums. Reinstall windows! :)

Can I go elsewhere to procrastinate then?

On a serious note: I didn't set up this computer and whoever did (three or so years ago) neglected to provide me with the means to re-install Windows in case something goes wrong so I'll have to hunt down things or people again.

Not to ruin anyone's good head of panic, or anything, but these days BIOS updates are often completely painless. You may be remembering back to when you had to create media and then flash the BIOS. Many major manufacturers these days supply them as executables; download the update, run the update, watch the machine reboot and flash the chip, and you're done.

Check your manufacturer to see if it's available in simple form. Seriously, if it is the whole thing takes three minutes.

"Scared" is one of my default states.
Thank you for the reassuring post though. It's just that every time I do something with my computer that isn't the normal daily nonsense, I'm worried I'll break something and then won't be able to fix it. (As this thread shows, I'm not usually able to fix things on my own.)
I've done a BIOS update before and it went smoothly, but... well, I may be able to jump off a bridge once and survive but that doesn't mean I'd be keen on doing it again.

I hope I can ease the tension. I'm the IT Guy at work, and I update the BIOS on workstations all the time. Now, we're a Dell shop, and Dell has robust driver updates in general, but I've only ever had one problem on a BIOS update, and when that happened, it detected automatically that the install had an error, rolled back the update, and rebooted to the prior setup. Also, I believe the BIOS update may create a restore point, so if something goes wrong you can just pull back to the prior state.

I've been following this thread with some interest, because I am curious about the resolution to your problem - and I do not know the answer, though it sounds like it might be hardware to me. But I would definitely try the BIOS, which really might work.

Viel Gluck!

About the crackling sound, do you have anything installed in the line-in or mic port? If so remove them and see if it goes away. You may try muting them, but that doesn't always work.
Edit: I guess I am late to the party. Once you reinstall Windows if it returns look into that.

As long as you don't lose power or have a user that thinks it's taking too long and turns it off. A friend of mine's wife did the turn off during a BIOS update to her laptop. It's one big paperweight now.

Danke!
Well, I kinda know it's fairly safe. My brain doesn't always operate on logic, though.

She could still bludgeon people with it.
Regarding mic/line-in: It seems to be one of the more common causes for audio issues so I tried that early on. Never did have a mic plugged in but it was enabled in the audio panel so I disabled that. Unfortunately I don't seem to be allowed to have simple PC problems. o.0

Guess I could do BIOS update anyway while I inch my way towards that Windows re-install. Since everyone seems to like those so much!
Not sure how often I can say this without it losing its meaning but I still appreciate all the help I've been getting.

Is this a laptop or desktop?

For a regular-sized desktop: If you have experiencing replacing or upgrading the internal parts, I would suggest trying to run the machine without some excess parts (video card if the system has onboard video, soundcard if you use a MIDI card, optical drive...) or even switching cards into different slots. Experiment and hopefully one thing improves and you can isolate the problem (hardware conflict, bad PCI slot, etc.).

Please make sure the system is off, unplugged, then turned on (to discharge whatever might be lying inside), turned off, and make sure you're grounded before attempting to open up your PC.

(Apologies; I'm more a "hardware monkey" and not a "software engineer.")

Desktop, hm. I figured with non-crackling Linux from a thumbstick it would be a software issue but then I generally don't know what's going on. Sorry about the late reply. o.o

General note: BIOS update done. :| Going to buy Windows now, apparently.

Edit: Also another (possibly silly) question regarding new Windows installation. My one hard drive is partitioned so I have C: and D:, Win is on C:, do I format the entire thing, do I delete everything on D: (which mostly contains games) or is it enough to just let Windows do its thing then?
I feel like I've made about 12 backups of everything so far.
Also I've written all that down (on paper!) and saved all drivers to an external drive.
Is there any way to actually prevent Win7 from automatically installing drivers for stuff? It seems all I can do is disable automatic driver updates via Windows Update. Or, well, rip out the internet cable.

Sorry for the late reply, but if you are having problems and you don't have another version of Windows installed on the C partition I would advise to at least do a quick format. And the only way I know of to avoid the automatic driver updates is to remove your internet connection. I usually do that anyway to install the latest service pack if I haven't already slipstreamed it into the install and so I can install all my drivers without issues.

If you ever suspect malware enough to do a scan.... Never... EVER... Do a quick scan, ALWAYS do a full scan... But then again this is just me. I reboot after a clean sweep then do it again just to make sure.

Also, I'm in a bit of a hurry so please disregard this if you already tried it as I didn't read all four pages. BUT, as crazy as it may sound, have you gotten a new cell phone lately? I've had cell phones before cause interference in my sound system, even stereo systems.

Or try removing any sound drivers you have on your system currently(including older drivers for the card) then reinstalling the newest drivers for your sound card. Not sure if 32bit or 64bit would make a difference, just get whatever your OS is if available.

Next, judging by what I've read, you or a friend has built it from the ground up.. Soooo, make sure your sound card is properly seated (make sure your sound card hasn't come loose or is seated incorrectly), especially if you move your unit around much. If you do, it is wise to check the ram and such now and then also to make sure nothing is coming loose, then again if your ram is loose you would be getting POST errors.

Lastly, if you have a subwoofer, make sure it is at least 2 feet away from your speakers and such. It can cause interference also. Mics can cause the same if they are too close to speakers.

Other than that.... Have you been playing too much Silent Hill and going insane? When in doubt, change settings to factory default.

Windows hasn't arrived yet, so no worries!
I'll be following russellskanne's and your advice on that one then so there'll be no internet connection after the re-install until I've installed all my drivers manually since the only thing I usually end up doing is to yell, "NO Windows, STOP IT!" which doesn't help.

I've been wondering about that myself. Insanity, that is. Would be boring though if, instead of hearing voices, I heard crackling noises in my head.

As for your other suggestions... heh, I don't have a cell phone. I did recently get rid of my speakers though because they were interfering with my monitor somehow (badly isolated cables, I assume) and there's no mic connected.
I don't have a dedicated sound card but it has been suggested I try that (except I don't have one to try; maybe if new Windows doesn't help, I'll have to start focusing on hardware).

There appears to be a ridiculous amount of possible solutions for this seemingly small issue, it's almost amusing.