Not in, +1 for the giveaway.

This is an old joke, but anyway... Graffiti outside a female-only dormitory:

Oh Johnny, please don't come here...
Oh Johnny, please don't come...
Oh Johnny, please don't...
Oh Johnny, please...
Oh Johnny...
Oh...

Thanks and +1 for your generosity, K_1269!

Please, count me in for Mysterygame D. ;)

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack" cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Fred is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, covering on the closet floor.
"You b*stard," the man says," my wife is having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister.

She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."


In for Mystery Game C. ;)

I'll get in for Mystery Game A, with a silly little poem from my childhood.

[i]One fine day, in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back-to-back, they faced each other,
Pulled their swords and shot each other!
The deaf policema heard the noise,
Ran and killed those two dead boys.
If you don't believe this story, it's true!
Ask the blind man, he saw it too![/i]

You shouldn't be searching for a doctor?

A boy is secretly hidden in the bedroom closet, watching his mom have sex with a stranger when they hear dad come home. "Oh no, quickly hide in the closet!" the wife says to her lover. So after a moment the stranger is in the closet too, while outside mom goes to greet dad.

"Dark in here." whispers the boy.
'Yes.' the stranger whispers back awkwardly.
"I have a football in here. Wanna buy it?" the boy asks?
'What? Why would I want a football?' the man asks
"Well, I could scream, you know? 50 bucks." the boy demands. The stranger has no choice but to pay.

Next day the same scenario. The stranger has to hide in the closed again.
"Dark in here." the boy whispers.
'What are you doing in here?' the man sighs.
"I have some nice running shoes. Wanna buy? 200 bucks."
'What? They wouldn't even be my size? Are you crazy?"
"I could scream!"
'Alright'. The stranger pays up and leaves when the coast is clear.

The next day the boy wants to go buy new running shoes. But his father asks him what he did with the old ones. "Oh, I sold them to a friend." the boy answers. Dad wants to know how much he got for those old thing and when the boy tells him he got $200, dad becomes mad: "What? You overcharge your friends by so much? These shoes weren't worth shit! Such a fraud is a bad sin! You go to church right away and make a confession!"

OK. So the boy goes to church and enters the confessional box.
"Oh. It's dark in here." he observes. Upon which the priest from the other side calls: 'Oh no. Don't start THAT crap again!!'

No, your jokes much cheaper than a doctor. ;)

giggles

I love this thread.

count me in for:
Mysterygame D

thanks for the giveaway K_1269!
+1

i was trying to find something more concise but i kept laughing at this part of my favorite round headed buffoon's rant in the ricky gervais show xfm season 1 ep 20.

KP - ill tell you why though. . .
RG - i said to him "Robin used to sit on spam. to try get the worms out" and he believed it.
KP - but steve right, do remember that story about 3 or 4 years ago where there was some bloke in the army. he went away to somewhere. vietnam or wherever. he was messing about in the woods . . . um
SM - shouldnt he have been fighting?
KP - whatever. right. and he walked through some lake and i think he cut his toe or something on something. and some worm of some sort crawled in the gash. and um it was in his body. and the doctor said we have got to get this out your body. so what they did was they said right the thinnest part, of something, of your body that things can crawl through is the top of your head. so they wrapped some. .
RG- where the skull is?
KP - they wrapped some bacon. . .
RG - no they didnt!
KP - they did!
RG - oh right. so its gone in via the toe. so what we'll do is . . .ill tell you what, that worms probably heading Straight for the head. we put a bit a bacon on it? the thinnest part of the body is the skull? of course its not the thinnest part of the body! its where your brain case is isnt it? the hardest, the skull?!
KP - there was a reason for it. and it was like. . . they stuck some bacon on his head
SM - as ever, the vital piece of information, ie the reason, Karl seems to have forgotten
KP - because the worm was in his body. and they said everyone likes the smell of bacon.
SM - even the worm...
RG - even the worm! even a Vietnamese lake worm!
...
SM - so in order to get it out his body, they strapped bacon to his head. did it work?
KP - i think so. they had a picture of him smiling.
RG - what the worm or the bloke?
KP - the bloke.


i know you wont click the link, but heres the full version if anyone else wanted to catch up with the ramblings of a mental patient:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRVeAhmhuM0&t=12m13s

I knew a man who had 5 penises.

His trousers fit him like a glove.





Mysterygame A

Thank you all for your contibutions so far! Had quite a few great laughs reading them :D

Picking winners is very hard, too many great entries, especially in some of the prize categories. Will pick the final winners in the comming days ( sometime between wednesday night and friday). If you havn't entered yet or want to better your chances do so until then ;)

HypersomniacLive are you sure you don't want to enter for a prize? Loved your killer sparrow! :D

Game A for me.

An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician were holidaying in Scotland. Glancing from a train window, they observed a black sheep in the middle of a field.

"How interesting," observed the astronomer, "all Scottish sheep are black!"

To which the physicist responded, "No, no! Some Scottish sheep are black!"

The mathematician intoned, "In Scotland there exists at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black."

Some more laughs:

"Guy's cruising down the highway way over the speed limit. Cop pulls him over.

"Sorry officer, guess the speedometer got away from me. Happens every time I get hammered and try to drive home."

"What?! You're intoxicated?"

"Well I needed a stiff drink after I shot that guy! It's okay though, I managed to fit the body in the trunk."

"Sir, keep your hands where I can see them. Give me your license and registration right now."

"Well I would but it's in the glovebox where I threw the gun, it's still pretty bloody and I don't want it to fall out until it's dried."

"Do. Not. Move. I'm calling for back-up."

Back-up gets there. Second officer gets out, says

"Sir, please open your trunk."

Guy opens it. Clean as a whistle.

"Please show me your glovebox."

Guy opens it. Clean as a whistle, along with his license and registration.

"I'll need you to take a breathalyzer."

Guy blows a .00

"Well what's going on? This officer said you had a dead body in the trunk, a bloody gun in the glovebox and were drunk."

Guy says

"Hah, I bet he said I was speeding, too."

Mystery game B please.

A philosopher walks into a bar. The man holding it says "That's what you get for being such a smart-arse".

That's the entire collection of jokes I've written to date. Do you think I should copyright it and get it published?