Since my head is full of fuck lately, have a piece of my last creations:
"Do you… remember about me? Do you remember that day when we met, under the shinung moonlight of bananas peels? The moon was so beautiful on the fatefull day full of bananas.
Oh, let me retell you my story:
Once upon a time and space, I was siting on a rainbow bench and was happily with myself. Why shouldn’t I have been happy? The trees were singing, the sun cried rays, and squirrels were shooting lazers at three headed children. Life was JUST perfect. Especially the lazors.
So I set there, humming to myself to find an antidote to world hunger. If my memory serves right, the solution was sentient khazis.
Then suddenly, an elephant, white as a bone, appeared to me. I must emphaphise how white it was. White as marshmellow. It looked tasty.“Good day, ol’ pal palloon!” I said politely in elefantish. “Do you happen to have a paper back of chess nuts?” Elephants always eat chess nuts, you know.
The white elephant apologized that he had something better for me. He offered me power, wealth, fame beyond your highest brain neurons! A lot more than a paper bag of chess nuts to say. He told me the god of the dead is gone, and there needs to be a new king. Oh yes, he offered me the key to the underworld. No hooks or catches! Just a cozy place to rule over the immortality that is soul. Or so it said in the FAQ. Also, I get a whirl pool.
I just had to grab the key from his trunk. Then I ate the elephant. Tasty~. BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT!
Think about it, when I rule over the dead, I can eat zombie chess nuts! I’d roast them with hell fire to get a fine dead aroma out of it. First I’d get a Roman poet, then I’d let it lead the circles of hell. I have to make sure the heat is about right to get …oh those tasty chess nuts!
Now where was I? Oh yes, I went down to the underworld, not having anything troublesome in mind, and then. THEN. I realized what a fool I was. Seriously, how could any one with a BA so daft? Dafty duffy duck!
The river of Acheron was blocking the road to the underworld. Without crossing it, I’ll never reach my new home. That damn elephant tricked me! If I ever get my hands on him…
First I strangle it with its own trunk until his head becomes a pink big balloon. Then I’d drink banana juice to make me sober, and then I’d make the elephant disappear—oh what the hell, I’m gonna grab his head and stick into the river until it swallowed his whole being…. oh wait, I ate the white elephant. Ohh, it was so tasty. But nothing like chess nuts!
Ahem, as you see, I was at the verge of jumping into the sea of despair, as a bee popped up. “Fret not, noble Orcus” it hummed. “All you have to do is find someone to sail you across the river.”
What a brillian idea it was. With the key In my hand, I pillaged the realm of live to find a ferryman worthy of my status. He, needs to be perfect. He, needs to know the way from a to b, from Acheron to Bays of Hades, and Bays of Hades to Acheron. This would be quite hard as you might get the impression. I kidnapped innocent souls and trapped them down at the shores of Acheron, and forced them to build a boat. I’d have just used a jet, but I am the conservative guy. If you need to get across a river, you need a boat. Out of chess nuts. Or crocodiles. But crocodiles are not so feeble as some thing… but…
none of them survived it. Everytime…everytime they were nearly finished, the boat sank into the river, and with it the souls. Blup. Blup. Bye boat. Bye soul. Have fun with eternal unrest for the rest of the universe. The universe will probably die in trillions of years. Poor boat.
Years passed so long, and I pulled more and more souls to the river. But to my amazement and horror, the river seemed to get bigger, the goal getting further away.
“WHAT DID GO SO WRONG?!” I screamed at the bee beside me.
”I DON’T KNOW!” It hummed happily.
”YOU NEVER KNOW ANYTHING!” I cried and kissed it to suck its honey out until it was dry as hay.
Then---
then I found you."
Post edited March 13, 2012 by Tantrix
