Lugum, the lying and hiding that I and others have mentioned is you and the women hiding things from her partner and acting as though nothing was going on. I don't care if you think marriage is a bad idea. She is in one, and you and she should respect it. You are doing a bad thing and all the talk about marriage statistics and all the "it just happened" in the world won't change that. You should end things with this women.

But that's the thing you don't decide what is bad, it 's your view which i respect it's not even the discussion i am having here, and only just a few here talk about hideing and lieing (not everyone like you are implying), some share their story which i really appreciate, even the ones which ended negatively or the "blunt" ones.
But that's enough of a reason to also downrep me? Regardless if you have part in that, you are just attacking me with words which i am not in the mood for, just wanting to know about others what happened with them and look and reflect on that, perhaps get some guidance.

Well, other examples of situations which finished well or badly (subjective opinions) are not some kind of law of what must happen, neither are they a pure fantasy for you to dream about.

Your particulars are of course unique, even if they rhyme with other experiences, and although I probably disagree with you on what you should do, I won't throw stones, like others in the thread, and assume you are acting from a position of malice. Idealistic love can lead to many bad outcomes, but so can any idealism and ideology. I think you understand that the aggressive replies you got are from people for whom your disrespect of the husband is the main aspect in this. And I'd agree with them you're not acting honorably in that, just I don't think that's your main problem.

So a final comment and a final question(s).

The comment is, that sharing personal circunstances like this and leaving yourself open to criticism is neither good nor bad - remember that both those of us supportive and those critical are not in your shoes. You know better than all of us, which of course only means you know very little to our nothing. With other people's feelings that's usually the case :)

The question, and I'll understand if you don't want to answer, or only via PM, as that's not why you opened the thread. What do you actually want from this woman? What would you say she wants from you?

Thanks for your response, its exactly like that, and yes i should know better to know about reactions in general here, but that's why i was so not wanting the discussion about wether its right or wrong, but rather how people dealt with it. And i probably get the angry reactions from the ones who are married.

I answered that a few replies ago, all i want for this moment is a friendship and nothing else, but one that includes meeting up (which she is holding back on) if certain feelings come back then i dont know but not on my mind.
Offcourse i fell in love many times before, but with her and me i think it's a deep spiritual connection, and i dont think we met by accident in a spiritual chatroom, for me it's different with her. Maybe we both had to learn a lesson and have to move on, or maybe it's meant to be that we still have to be together regardless of the form.
We both have tried ending contact in the past but on both sides we couldn't and ended up seeking contact again.

As for her, she is conflicted, in her words, holding back on words (especially whenever it considers feelings or me wanting to meet up), then again i can't talk about her about certain things because those are painful for me.
We are at a point again where anything results to discussions and i am afraid it might just be the last time, this time.
And if not now, most likely in the future.

+1

Ok mate,

If you accept no future intimate relation, what is it about her friendship that you want? Seems to me there's more sour then sweet in the pot.

This I think is your biggest problem, you are trying to convince yourself you don't feel something - but then you said "being in love". Which is it?

You're in a no-win situation and you know it deep down. This looks more and more like the stereotype where she is getting emotional romance from you, physical from husband and so you're kind of being a tool.

The kind of result you say you want, friendship, is something that usually comes around when there is no passion left. And that's why you're fucked. You don't really want the passion to die...

Well, going back to what I said earlier - losing in life is natural, in fact we all will lose our life eventually. You've already lost her, you just haven't accepted it.

Hi,

In my opinion love triangles are terrible, avoid them!. Some years ago, I almost started a relationship with a girl with a boyfriend. She was my best friend, I trusted her, I worked with her and I thought she may be my soulmate. She started a relationship with another guy but one day but she realized that I could be interested in her. She forced the situation and she tried to hide that she had a boyfriend.

I know that if I had wanted, I could have had that relationship (she told me). My problem was that I needed to know that I could trust her but she was hidding that she had a boyfriend, so, she was cheating on me, she was cheating on her boyfriend. Moreover, I did not want to have any relationship with her until she broke her boyfriend, and furthermore, I did not want to be the reason for breaking the relationship, so I tried to avoid her and the topic the best I could. Nevertheless, she did not want to break with his boyfriend until she knew she could have a relationship with me and she tried to make me jealous.

At the end, she broke with her boyfriend but not because of me. However, we had a lot of problems as well. I could not trust her because of her lies and in love triangles it is very easy that your feeling gets hurt and I was not very happy with the way she had dealt with me and with her boyfriend. Finally, although we tried to overcome the situation, because of these problems, our friendship was over.

From my point of view, love triangles are not good, there are lies and lies are a very powerful weapon that destroys relationships, friendships and so on and at the end, it is very easy to get hurt.

Sorry for my english, I'm not a native speaker :-)

You're giving me deja vu... all over again o_0

I won't go so far to say I lived through similar, but the parallels are definitively there.

In general in my case, trying too hard is what ended up breaking us both into pieces. We both had to run away, but the way we did it was basically jumping into deeper holes alone.

A lot of years have passed, and I'd say the experience made me the man I am and I'm a better person who would not repeat the same mistakes. I would never try to become her friend, some feelings I think you take to the grave, and the hurt we did each other caused scars. I don't pretend we never met, and I avoid her if I can.

She on the other hand, went from bad to worse before getting out of her hole. She was more fragile than me, or fragile in different ways and at some level I think I realize she got the short stick, not me. I know of other things that happened later and her life got tragic. Also, she considers me a friend... (at least did last we ran into each other).

I tried to be her friend during the breaking up, and at some level she believed me. Looking back I was not her friend. Sometimes trying to do good is how you end up doing worst. Intent only goes so far.

Maybe she is right to not want to be friends. Are you really helping her?

Heh sometimes i got that same feeling about dejavu.

I think as also in your case, women can easily tend more to stay friends and still consider the other as a friend while men usually block their emotions, and move on. I am more emotional i guess then most regular guys.
But i always had bad luck with women, one being bipolar, also another one who was involved (though sort of technically she liked someone but she wasnt in a relationship and she lives in england and i only seen her for real just 1 time) i always joke to myself i fall in love with women who either have something or someone. Those girls i lost contact with and i didn't had so much difficulty with that unlike i would have with this one.

No in some ways i haven't been a friend to her lately too, and she can't seek a friend in me because for example there are also subjects that are on her mind but its painful for me to talk about, and i can be difficult maybe in certain things.
However she never said she never wanted to be friends anymore, contrary last week she said after a week of silence twice that she missed us/our contact but without the fuss. But her withholding, also the meeting up part i think both are to blame in this. And that things could still be fixed, but she has to take some actions in that for that to succeed.
I told her i missed our contact too, i didnt want any fuss either, but somehow it just ended up in that again and yes she is questioning things now.

Watch Le declin de l'empire americaine. It will give lots of answers in a comical way.

I haven't downrepped you.

You are responsible for your own choices, but some choices are bad. Getting into a relationship with someone who is married is a bad choice.
You needed to hear that clearly from at least one person.

Fair enough.

Make that at least two persons.
It's a very bad idea in every way.

I never encourage people to lie to or even betray their partners (in fact anyone), but that's exactly what this "third person" in these scenarios does. When some already engaged girl made a move towards me I told her, she should work on her relationship or end it and stop all this cowardice and respectless secrecy. They usually just search for someone else then instead and nobody needs dishonest cowards like this - neither as friend, nor as partner.
It doesn't matter how nice they are in other ways.

Be open and honest and encourage others to openness and honesty as much as you can!
It has something to do with doing the right thing in general and showing respect towards others as well as towards yourself.

Knock on wood, I hope I will not ever fall in love with someone who belongs to someone else, as a spouse or a boyfriend, because I cannot be sure that I would act according to my best and most noble ideals. And even if I did, one suffers a lot, I believe.

Infatuation with other while in another relationship I either take as sign of falling out of love; or alternatively a character that favours open relationships even when having love; and when secretly so, unfaithfully.

In case one might be in love with a person who is already spoken for, just be aware of established pattern.

If you are used by someone to give them the sense of sexual excitement and attractiveness, possibly lavished with promises of being made the number one - even loved sort of sincerely with the "only but" of primary partner/family remaining that - but nothing changes over time... just be aware... and know when to count your losses.

To my experience even in straightforward one-on-one relationships poor patterns, once established, shall get the upper hand over the chance of happiness.

A good sort of litmus test is thinking of your brother/sister/best friend, and the happiness and treatment you think they should deserve - in reverse, would they think the same applies even by any margin to the situation you think about?