A White man, A Black man and A Mexican Guy all come across a genie who gives 1 wish each. The black man says I wish that I could be free with all my black brothers living in Africa free and happy. Poof! The wish was done. Next, the mexican guy wished to be free and living with all his mexican brothers and sisters in mexico. Poof, The wish was done.

Finally the white man asked the genie. Do you mean to tell me that the blacks and mexicans now live mexico and africa right now? The genie nodded. The white man said-Ok, I guess I'll have a coke. The wish was done. He got his coke.

"This joke was made by funny man from Boondock Saints movie."

Why did Adele cross the road?


<span class="bold">To say Hello from the other side</span>

Man: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Man: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Man: The ugly one is winning.

There was an emergency at the baseball field. Come quick-someone is trying to beat kobayashi's eating amount

Oh, well that is weird. It appears that someone has beaten kobayashi's record.

Who was it ?

Its not the amount, its the record.

What's wrong with the record?

Well the fact that kobayashi is now inside Chris Christie's stomache. The record is not only gone but beaten if you can make any sense of it.

After Jesus got crucified, he went to heaven.
When he walked towards the pearly gates, both he & St.Peter get chatting.
After a while, St.Peter says to Jesus "Dude, ever since you converted all of these people, it has been manic up here. I`ve not had a break in years. Any chance you could cover for a while?"

"Sure," Jesus replies "Just let me know what to do."

So, St.Peter says "It`s simple, all you do is get the next person to step forward, ask their name, occupation & religion. If they`re in this book, let them into heaven. If not, tell them to go to hell".

After a couple of hours, Jesus has got the hang of this, when he looks up & says "Next!".
As the old bloke steps forward, Jesus thinks "I know this man..."

"Name please" says Jesus.
"Joseph sir, my name is Joseph" states the old man.

"Okay, occupation please" asks Jesus.
"Oh, I`m a carpenter, I`m Joseph the carpenter" replies the old man.

At this point, Jesus is sure this is his earthly father, but wants to make absolutely sure..
"Erm, What religion are you?" he asks.
"Oh, I`m Jewish sir. I`m Joseph, the Jewish carpenter" replies the old man.

That does it, Jesus is sure this is his father, but tests him some more..
"So, Joesph the Jewish carpenter, did you have any children?" he asks.
"Oh yes sir," replies the old man "the finest son you could ever of wished for".

"Your son," asks Jesus "did he have any distinguishing marks?".
"Oh, yes he did, the poor lad. He had holes in the palms of his hands & holes in his feet." replied the old man.

Well, that was that, at this point, Jesus threw open his arms & yelled "Father!"
To which the old man threw open his arms & said "Pinnochio!?"

From Robert Rankin` The chocolate hollow bunnies of the apocalypse.

Your mom!!

OHHHHHHHHHHHHH AMIRITE, guys?!

When my grandfather was in hospital, they rubbed lard all over his back.

After that he went downhill very quickly.

CREDIT: milton jones

Neither does the one about flies screwing in lightbulbs

Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flies

What do you mean? How doesn't it make sense?

I know that you don't understand the concept of wanting to screw something that isn't Gold.

Can't remember if I posted this in the Corny Joke thread: https://www.gog.com/forum/general/corny_jokes_put_em_here

We took our old dog to the vet a couple weeks back. He wasn't eating, not interested in getting attention, and just generally sluggish. The vet took a look and found the dog really listless, took some bllod, checked temperature, all that stuff. Finally, he brought in a kitten and waved it in front of our dog's nose. No response. The vet said it looked like just old age. We took the dog home and he died peacefully a couple days later.

Just this week, we got the bill: $952! What?!? Office fee, lab tests, etc.: $152. And then we noted the final charge: $800 for a cat scan.

"Mrs. Lincoln... besides THAT obviously, how was the play?" - a reporter on April 16, 1865.

I know everyone's heard it before but nobody's put in this thread yet.

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a beer. He drinks it angrily and orders another. He drinks that one, and seems to be getting more angry and more distracted with every sip. He goes back to order a third, and the bartender says, "excuse me, I can't help but notice you've got a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants...?"

The pirate replies, "Arr, it be drivin' me nuts!"

A man has just gone through a terrible divorce where his ex wife has taken everything; the house, his clothes, all the money he had in savings and even stuff from before they even met like baby pictures and old high school year books. He leaves the courthouse penniless and without any shoes (the judge gave those to her as well) and carrying the only item he was allowed to keep, a dirty old lamp. He decides to take the lamp to a pawn shop and starts trying to polish it up a bit with his shirt. To his surprise a genie comes out of the lamp and offers the man three wishes. The man was elated, he couldn't believe his luck. The one item he got from the divorce turns out to be a magic lamp! Since he is in such a miserable state his first wish is for $10 Million to which the genies says "Granted." The man runs to his bank to check his account and sure enough there is a balance of $10 Million. His excitement is soon squashed as the bank officers phone rings and tells the man that the call is from him. He takes the phone and hears his ex-wives voice, "Thank you Dear" she says. She then explains that it was not luck that gave him a magic lamp, she found it first and already got her three wishes. First she wished for the best divorce lawyer in the country, then she wished for the most gullible judge there was. For her third wish she ask for the genie to grant the man three wishes, but to give her twice of whatever he asked for. So thanks to his first wish, she was now $20 Million richer. Angrily the man hung up on his ex wives laughter and stormed out of the bank. Instead of being happy about his money, he was now jealous of hers. That gave him an idea. "Genie" he said "I want to make my ex wife jealous, so I wish for a smoking hot new girlfriend who is younger, prettier and better than my ex in every way." At that moment someone bumps into the man, he turns to find that it is the most beautiful woman the man has ever seen. The genie smiles and whispers "Granted" into the mans ear. The man takes his new girlfriend out, the eat, they laugh they buy the man new clothes and a new car which he drives over to his ex wives house. His ex opens the door and is surprised to see him. He then introduces her to his new girlfriend Jasmine, who happens to be a Victorias Secret model. "Well that explains things" his ex says as she opens the door all the way to reveal the most ruggedly handsome physical specimen of muscle, strength and power ever embodied in a human being. The man's jaw drops as his ex wife introduces her new boyfriend, who happens to be an Olympic gymnast. His ex smiles and says "the best part is, he's got an identical twin brother." Defeated and disheartened the mans walks away. He know there is still that 3rd wish, but he's afraid of using it. He can't ask for money or treasure or a private island because his ex would end up even better off. He could wish to be President, but who knows what that will make her. Finally he makes up his mind, closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and says "Genie, I wish for you to beat me half to death."