Getcomposted: I got triggered by someone who should have known better, and was pushing me to do something I wasn't ready to do. In the process, they made me feel worthless, guilty and desperate.
So that started the whole depression cycle I was attempting to get out of. In essence, they pushed me off the tightrope I was walking and there's no safety net.
I've been falling for a while (2 weeks), and every time I try to grab a safety rope, I ending up breaking mental fingers.
I really don't want to descend to the state I was in eight months ago when everything looked so bleak and hopeless. I managed to get a weekend job in a library. Granted, it's only one day a week, but I was hoping to get more hours. Now, I'm not sure I can handle it again.
Frak. Frak, frak, frak.
I was so hoping I was getting better.
I don't want to have to go to hospital again. I don't want to have to put my life on hold. I don't want to have to stop working. I'm living off savings and redundancy money. Any money coming in is needed.
And I hate that the only anger I can really feel is against myself. I'm already too depressed again to be more than weakly angry at this person who triggered me. They feel guilty because I told them what they did, but if they knew how bad it is, they'd be suicidal themselves at what they've done. So I've hidden it.
I'm so tired of everything, especially of having to fight to get the courage to face yet another day of my existence.
Sorry, I needed to unload a bit. :(
You too eh? My sister has given me a New Virus the Cockroaches in my house ARE EATING ME I have sores everywhere I've gotta get my teeth Ripped out by a Dentist soon I'm scared they are going to KILL me in the process that will leave my Schizo-Affective Parent and retarded sister on their own (They can't Manage without me!) I'm fucking fed up with The physical agony I'm in from a Broken hip from 4 years ago (and Possible Appendicitis that the doctors Won't treat because of Misandry in the Medical system over here in Australia) and other then that I've been Hallucinating, I also ate a Cake that had glass through it! so effectively I ate Glass! and Blew up a few days ago at my sister called her every Rotten C*** under the sun because of the stupid Noises that she makes which are WAY BEYOND IRRITATING I can assure you (she makes these ASS-IRRITATING Horse clopping Noises with her tongue and says after it in an irritating voice "ayam maiew aboub ayoub agoog Mael" after hearing that 956 times a day I feel Like KILLING HER!)
Everyone puts WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE ON ME! I've even had several HEART ATTACKS from stress and My computer Is on it's Last legs! It's the ONLY coping tool I've got! and it's Not even helping anymore because of my mothers 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 questions she asks daily questions that have no basis in reality! so I have to MAKE THE ANWERS UP ON THE FLY!
Sometimes I just wanna Die and other times I know I can't die Because that will leave my mother in a Fucking HORRIBLE SITUATION! Fuck I HATE my LIFE!
Sage103082: I am tired. I am burned out. I am alone.. I am not sure I can keep my head up anymore.
I am tired of the hate, the petty bullshit, the drama.
I am done being walked on.
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