Wow, interesting thread actually, at least the last page.

I'll tell you one thing: your writing is good.

Actually I also understand your situation a bit. Although I'm much younger than you, everything can change any minute, no marriage in my past nor children, but I made a similar decision, and I am in no relationship for the past 3 years after the last one.

And I know this... grip, that you can feel sometimes, silence ringing in your ears, at night, empty house, and only this damned elevator going up and down, up and down...

But hey, it was the right decision to make given the circumstances. You can't change yourself that much 'couse you are yourself.

Shame I didn't notice the thread when I was pissed off by Steam. I hate when I want to check a small thing but the site lacks the features I need or it's interface is so new to me, that I end up spending so much time to just figure out how to do that small thing, which I planned would take me no more than 5 minutes. And I'm obsessive enough that I can't say "fuck it" and go on, becouse thinking that I wanted to do a simple small thing and failed to accomplish pisses me off twice as much.

I'm so sorry man. Trust me, none of that stuff she's saying is true and it doesn't matter what you did or didn't so, the only reason she brings it up is self justification on her part. So don't think you somehow fell down on the job because she's trying to justify her bad behavior to herself. She knows what she's doing is kind of a douchebag move so she's doing all kinds of mental acrobatics to make herself not a bad person in her own mind.

For yourself, that sucks, you need to make sure you surround yourself with all the support you need, family and friends. Ask them to be there for you right now. I know you'd do the same for them and I bet they know it too.

Well, I did wonder why no one outside your family came to visit you. Glad there's a good reason for that.

You didn't come off as an hermit to me, I just got the impression you haven't had many chances to talk with someone in RL about your problems. I mean, I know you're a very respected regular around here, but this is still a gaming forum after all.

You've made a difficult choice and obviously I'm in no position to tell what's right or wrong. I just thought that maybe, now that you feel its consequences more than usual, it could be a good moment to wonder if what lead you to that decision is still valid. If the answer is "yes" that's all that matters, I'm not here to change your mind.
I just think it's healthy to question oneself every now and then. Life changes, priorities change (sometimes very subtly), maybe one day you'll find there's room for a better compromise.

Anyway, best of luck for the future.

Damn, now I don't know whether I would be able to graduate this month. The vacation with my girl starts on the 25th and ends on the 6th, and my professor told me that he'd be available from the 26th until the 8th. The next time he'd be available is most likely near the end of August.

The lesson here, don't make concrete plans if you depend on other people.

What a fucking night. Call from my mother that my elder brother had come to her house in the middle of the night amazingly drunk and that he'd been falling everywhere etc. So I go over to check on him and find him on the floor face down, blood splattered randomly from a quite inflamed gash on his head.

Called NHS direct a few times and their recommendation is to call an ambulance, but he has since slightly sobered up and as soon as I call them he walks out the front door because he's flat out refusing to go to hospital. My mother is going crazy with worry and she's severely disabled so there's not much she can do about it. He has all the telltale signs of a concussion but I can't force him to go, he's waiting now for an ambulance to show up so he can run away. This is a man in his mid 30's.

I feel like giving him another concussion to be fucking honest, I'm irritable enough without sleep without having to put up with this. I got NHS direct to talk to him and they said that it's his choice ultimately now that he can make it and just to keep an eye on him for the rest of the 'night' (it's almost 6am now.) He must have had a kebab on the way back because seagulls are outside fighting over the remains of it on the front lawn, fucking things are vicious.

Speaking of food I really want a pot noodle for some reason but spar is closed and I'm not really in a condition myself to go further atm. I hate the times surrounding my birthday, things always fuck up. Tomorrow I'm going to have a pot noodle.

Edit: As I'm going to be up all night, time for some TERRARIA on my laptop. I will build a rage tower, an obelisk which will remain when my rage has dissipated as a reminder that when he is well again that I must destroy him.

Edit 2: Foog=food.

Seagulls little flying noisy bastards do nothing but steal food shit everywhere and keep me awake half the night i swear i am going to go insane soon. Oh well i am awake now might as well play a game.

through some misunderstandings and stuff like that i lost my most important friend and dont want to go to my weekly rpg group anymore :(
since i have no work and some social phobia i pretty much lost my whole social life

life is shit :(

The problem is that some of the things she says are valid, but are minor. Yeah, I should have helped out more than I did around the apartment. Yeah, I should have spent more time just relaxing with her than I did. Yeah, I should have bought her flowers more often on random occasions. But never once did I feel like I was giving the impression that I never loved her. I always said "I love you", always gave her deep kisses, always told her how special she was. I never held her back, always tried to be supportive, and was always there for her when she was feeling depressed.

She claims for the last 2 years she's been feeling trapped, that we've grown apart. She says she's felt it and accuses me of not seeing it, when there was nothing to see. For YEARS I've assumed our marriage was strong. Sure, there were bumpy times, but all marriages have that and we worked through them. Then one day in March she comes home and tells me she wants to leave, that shes been unhappy and feels like I've held her back or controlled her. We talked for weeks and she agreed to stay and I seriously thought we were making progress.

Then she just grew really distant. She wouldn't talk to me. Whenever I tried to find out what was wrong, she just looked off in the distance and said "I don't know". We had an argument and we agreed that for the night, she should leave to spend the night with her friend so she can get a clear head. She came back the next day and felt awkward. Then, the next day, I asked her if she was planning on divorcing me and was just hiding it. "Yes.". I tried talking her out of it, she wouldn't budge and said she needed to be on her own. Then I found the chat logs of her and her male friend, opening up to him, talking about how she feels dirty whenever I touch her and him suggesting she divorce me while saying he desires a relationship with her. I confronted her with the logs and it didn't even phase her, she said we still were too far apart now and it couldn't be fixed. She said she felt used in our relationship, that I was just using her for sex and to clean up after me, which is how I've NEVER viewed her.

When I tried to offer ways I could fix it and promise her that I would always show her how much I appreciate her, she said she would think it over. She did and realized that she couldn't trust me and that she would walk right back into the same problems. When I said that I had no clue how to tell she was feeling this way or that I could do these changes just to show more appreciation for her, she said I had 12 years to show her it. When I said she NEVER told me of any complaints she had about me or anything to communicate with me, she snapped back with "I shouldn't have had to." I gave her everything and everything I did with my life (military, college) was to get a good job so I could take care of her. It's all been thrown back in my face like I never appreciated her when I fucking worshipped her. And I still do.

Tomorrow I have to go see her at the apartment to plan how we are splitting belongings. I'm taking my car back from her since the title is in my name and I threw almost $2000 into repairs for it with MY money assuming she was staying with me since she said as much. I bought it primarily because she wanted a Mustang, but I wanted a nice car as well and it was a convertible, so bonus. She knows damn well she is the one leaving me and that I adore her, but she has made her choice.

I feel like shes going to regret the decision later in life, and I don't know that I will be there for her when she wakes up and realizes it. In the meantime, I need to find a job around the Portland area so I can move into a cheap apartment and start trying to rebuild my life. Hell, at this point I'd even welcome trying to find a girl that had similar gaming interests, but that seems nigh on impossible most of the time.

What you're going through is painful. I don't want you to think I'm minimizing it, but I've heard all that shit before. Again, it's a manipulative way to get the shell shocked person in the relationship to focus on themselves instead of the elephant in the room (cheating and being the one who's the "small" person).

I can't say "don't worry about it", nor am I saying you couldn't have been a better husband or person. We all can be better, but that's idealized hindsight. You're going to be tempted to beat yourself up over every little thing you did wrong and she's going to be right there to cheerlead that, because that's what she wants, don't do it. If she doesn't want to be with you, fine, but don't let her ruin your self esteem and whatnot any more than she's already doing by getting you to thrash yourself emotionally. Therapy isn't going to save this so there's no point. Yeah, you probably did some wrong, but don't beat yourself up for it, because if it hadn't been missing surprise flowers there's an infinite amount of other nitpicks anyone living with you for 12 years can invent on the spot. They know you very well, they know your faults and shortcomings, it's no shock they can drill right into them.

The reason you should know it's bullshit is she's spending most of the time talking about what you did wrong. Only you can fix you and only she can fix her. If her reaction is this (cheating and giving up by the time she manages to mention there's a problem), well, it's not okay, her reacting to feeling badly in this manner pretty much makes a lack of flowers inconsequential.

All I can say is: don't fight about the divorce. Only spousal support is worth fighting about. If she's happy to leave that off and just take "stuff", you can get more stuff, and shit doesn't make you happy anyway. You make you happy. And after twelve years you get the somewhat dubiously exciting task of getting to know yourself a lot better.

Finally, words from an attorney (not that you'd ever do anything, but I've seen weird shit happen to nice guys): The guy always goes to jail, it doesn't matter if she's beating the shit out of you, you don't grab her arms or stop her in any way, you run out of the house with your arms crossed in front of you and hunched over. Don't go back. The guy always goes to jail.

She's probably going to lie about you (or tell every unflattering truth she knows - don't sweat these, we all have them), be prepared, be a bigger person and do not engage in that kind of thing. Not so you can lord it over her but because while she's busy wallowing in shit you can be busy healing yourself. You're on a personal journey right now, this path is by yourself. Tons of folks have done it and you'll do it too.

Hang in there.

I'm bored .

Lots of stuff seems familiar. One thing different is that in my case we fought many times over those "small things" the last year and she was faithful. Still I somehow didn't know it was coming.

What amazes many people is that we kind of agreed to finish our relationship on peaceful terms and are friends ever since. We weren't married for 12 years though, just few years living together. It was easier to reset, after the first hard weeks, and suddenly, we were on good terms, as if being in love was just an obstacle (and kinda made me believe that it is).

Funny thing though, that she broke up with her next boyfriend for exactly the same reasons (even though he supposed to be extremely different from me). Kinda confirms that it's something within her too, not just me.

Now comes the third time, we'll see how the story unfolds.

Makes me wonder isn't it a cultural thing, all this "small things" stuff and problems with sex, that girls are somehow brought up with that deep insecurity within them.

----------------

Anyway, what I'll be bitchin' today about is me having sleep issues again. Just woke up feeling like a zombie (and looking like one) in the middle of the day (and probably I'll be bursting with energy at night). It's a friggin cycle, things get better for a week then next week is completely wasted. And i have stuff to do! Fuck.

Not to mention fucked up sugar levels becouse of that (i'm a diabetic type 1)

I do have professional help, but it takes time and loads of money, and unfortunately, the world around you doesn't care.

Hell, for the amount of money i spend on medicine and doctors, I could have bought myself three better PCs than this old 1.8ghz-Cpu 128MB-graphics one...

Have you been to a sleep specialist and done a sleep study to diagnose any disorders? Obstructive Sleep Apnea (OSA) is the most common by far but hardly the only culprit for such things. Bad sleep will literally kill you (heart failure), if you haven't treated it medically, do so.

Check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E7dliTySW44

If you ever want to talk about stuff, message me here or on Steam.

I'm woried about going the dentist in the morning !! - does that count :)

Of course it does!