Granted, but that wish which you have such a clever corruption for belongs to a little girl, and once you crush her dreams, all she can do is cry. You monster.

I wish the local library had more books by Philip K. Dick.

Granted, but your incessant requests for Dick cause the library to ban you on suspicion of being a sex offender.

I wish I had a 12 gauge double-barreled shotgun made of alligator skin that fired radioactive gophers.

Granted: However your New Gun Backfires and you are Bitten by a Radioactive Gopher becoming the Super Hero Gopherman - Your only superpower is to dig tunnels and subterranean chambers.

I wish this weekend could last a few days longer.

Granted but all weekends from now on last for a day.

I wish I can cook amazing food

Granted, but it's so amazing that anyone who tastes it dies from the pure intense bliss.

Granted, but your are made to be so fat that you can't move and need to be surrounded by a team of doctors 24/7 just to stay alive.

I wish that Yahtzee and Gabe would put out a new let's play already.

ninja'd

Granted! But upon clicking the link to the video you b0rke the internet for everyone else causing unmitigated nerd rage and worldwide riots. The rest of the world eventually hunts you down and they proceed to mush you into a jelly, thereby fixing the internets for all.

I wish vampires could live among humans in equality without fear of being decapitated and burned for being way cooler than us mortals.0_o

[Redundancy edit]

Granted, but you wished to be infected with smallpox.

I wish I win some of these giveaways I entered.

^
Granted, but you'll only win Big Rigs all over again, until you have twenty of them.

I wish Fallout 4 would be at least as good as Fallout New Vegas and if possible, par with first two.

Granted, but it's locked behind a triple DRM wall.

I wish trees would follow me wherever I tread.

Granted! But since you're a faceless "new user" and provide little in the way of entertainment, they quickly tire of you and decide to slam-dance you into pulp, which they use to fertilize their saplings.

I wish for sentient leg hairs that could scratch my nuts for me.

It does. And it never stops to scratch until your lower body parts are a bloody mess.

I wish to accompany The Doctor in his TARDIS (and not die as a consequence thereof)

Granted, but you travel to the time of dinosaurs, where he drops you. Good luck dodging T-rexs.

I wish I could turn invisible at will, which would also turn anything I touch invisible and cancel any noise I make.

You turn invisible and start hearing what people say about you when you're not around...

You become quite sad when you discover all the bad things people say about you and commit suicide.
Your body is never discovered since you forgot to turn visible before dying, and you never get a proper burial.

I wish I could have enough time to play all those GOG games I never have a chance to play !