SonnyD: Well first, I'm sorry to hear that you feel so uncomfortable with yourself. But I do think there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Look, when you started this topic you was just like "I'm selfish and don't care about others but now I'm afraid something bad will happen if I don't invest in my cosmic karma" and now you have taken some steps ahead. You seem to know where your problems are and that's great because being aware of your problems is the first and most important step to solve them.
Do not compare yourself with other people. There are people in my social environment too who are younger than me and already make tons of money. Others have a family and just bought a nice house for their families. But that doesn't matter. What you feel is envy, because you think you will never have what they have and that is the source of your attitude. But everyone has his own speed in accomplishing things in life. You said you are 30 and you sound as if you think that life is already over for you but it is not. Life can and will change in the blink of an eye.
You said you are not working at the moment. Is it because you have some physical condition? You mentioned being unhappy with your weight? I don't think you are too stupid to work (forgive those words), your English for example is very good for a non-native speaker so I think your only 'mental' problem is self-doubt. However if you can work I would recommend you to do it. Not only does it give you some extra money but most important: it gives you a daily routine, something you have in mind when you got to bed and something to get up for every morning. I don't know anything about possibilities to work where you live but try find something to keep you busy even if it doesn't bring you a fortune.
I can't help you loose weight, that's up to you (actually I struggle with similiar problems myself...food is just too tasty ;-)). You said you are doing exercises, that's a first step isn't it? Just don't expect immediate results. Getting in shape and loosing weight can take some time. But if you do regular exercises you will feel better. Not only because you will see results but for some reason doing sports makes people feel better with themselves.
You see, the key to all of this is devotion and not giving up as soon as you encounter resistance. Resistance will always be there but not just for you, but for everyone. The trick is to keep going what you are doing. Success is not the results of a perfect first try. Success is the result of keeping focused in the face of many failures. Before you learn to walk you must learn to fall.
I know this might sound a lot like hollow words but it is the truth although you might think that this doesn't apply to you right know. Try giving your life a routine. Get up every morning at the same time, do some exercises, go to work or do some cleaning at your place and try to eat everyday at the same time. Everybody's life needs a structure so does yours. Try to get in contact with friends from your past, as you said you have nothing to loose. And don't envy or dislike people for what they have. Some are born with a golden spoon in their mouth but mostly it takes devotion and keeping focused.
By the way: A crow is a much more intelligent (almost conscious) and useful animal than a swan. A swan maybe nice to look at but that's all. So beeing a crow isn't that bad at all ;-)
i thank you for your kind words.. it means something when a person, even a stranger, can understand me :(
"Do not compare yourself with other people. There are people in my social environment too who are younger than me and already make tons of money."
but i tried so hard to become someone................ :(((((( in my first school when i went to olympics in math i was the best from the whole school and 5th from the city even though math is not my thing - informatics i like much more. then my parents moved me to a better school where i met a girl who completely ruined me... i also met her in highschool and even afterwards.. it was like destiny.. i didn't stand a chance... my parents kept pushing me to learn as best i could but they didn't educate me at all about society.. i didn't know how to behave to her.. i just didn't know i should run away from a girl :(
"Is it because you have some physical condition?" yes of course! since 2004 at the end of highschool my skull is CRACKED! i'm serious that girl cracked my head! and it didn't heal even now. on the outside you can't see a thing even if i shave my head but when i did that err?... MRU? magnetic resonance thing - it looked in my head and it could clearly be seen that i have a huge crack from front to back on top of my head... the hit was on top of the head, right side. and that portion of the brain controls the left foot... i mean sometimes if i try to stand on one foot with my eyes closed, i can stand on right foot (controlled by left portion of brain). but sometimes when i try with left foot i'm just about to fall. i can't keep my balance.............. so there were periods of time when i couldn't even walk normally! but as i said before, the crack of my skull is not the only problem - since 2005 the next year after 2004, i also have problems with my belly... terrible pains in belly and all the rest of my body and sometimes it makes me dizzy too! i know why i have this problem... but you just wouldn't believe if i'd tell you - you'd probably think i'm trolling... so i guess i'd better shut up about it.. it's really horrible just to imagine...
"However if you can work I would recommend you to do it." there's no way i could possibly work - not even to mop the filth from the streets. even after 2004 and 2005 with everything that happened to me, there was a period in 2009 when i felt a little better.. so in 2010 i enlisted in an informatics university. but soon the problems got back to me and after 2nd year i had to drop out!.. even after i dropped out...... i STILL wanted to work.. from home... but no... i just can't... so there's no more hope for me to ever have a job. and you say my "life" isn't over? it was over more than 10 years ago. what i have now is hell on earth