I'm bipolar, and whenever my parents call me I tell them I'm fine because it's easier that way. I'm not doing fine. For one I switched majors to economics, but I can tell the math is going to be overwhelming. To switch majors a second time would just be a waste of money and at that point I might as well drop out to avoid the debt. I went to a therapist for about a year and told my parents it was helping because that's what they wanted to hear, but in truth I never really got anything out of it. I've been deeply unsatisfied since I've had to drop out of Air Force ROTC due to my disorder, and running into old friends from it who are ready to commission has made it even worse. I'm convinced I'll be dead from suicide before I'm 30 (turning 22 this month), but once again it's easier to just say what my parents want to hear. My upper left arm is covered in scratches and cuts because, as cliche as it is, it helps. I'm just overall burned out and know I'm a failure. My brother is a math whiz and is going to become an astrophysicist, while meanwhile I'm the mentally ill member of the family. At least my screw up rebellious cousin managed to get married and join the National Guard. I'm more like my mentally unhinged great aunt who attempted suicide when she was young and made my WWII medic great grandfather cry for the first time in 20 years. In other words, I know I'll end up a disappointment if I'm not dead before that sets in.

First things first.
You are in no way a failure and should disappoint no-one. This is not something that you've created or responsible for. Mental illnesses are exactly that, an illness. A diabetic has to take insulin because their body doesn't create enough, someone with a mental illness has to take meds to counter a different (and more complex) chemical imbalance.

Now this Therapist, was it just talking and cognitive therapy or were the a psychologist capable of prescribing medicine?

I've got to get kids ready for school. I'll write more later.

I've visited both a psychologist and psychiatrist. I have great respect for my psychologist, since he was special forces in Vietnam. Still I never really opened up after our first session. I see my psychiatrist ~twice a year, and I probably need a dosage adjustment when I see her again in May.
I should probably add I'm really drunk right now. Just finished a mini bottle of Woodford Reserve I got for Christmas, along with a beer and some Bunnahabin 12 year I got for my 21st birthday.

Also part of me hates my dad's side of the family for cursing me with this. There's my great aunt, his mother (undiagnosed though), and then my dad told me when I was diagnosed that he's had to deal with suicidal thoughts. I know it's so stupid and selfish, but I think that without his side I'd be normal and commissioning into the Air Force as a second lieutenant in a month.

+1 for meditation

What our modern culture lacks is silence and tranquility, so do your best to make this for yourself in order to find inner peace and balance.

I listen to a ton of post-rock and ambient/shoegaze. Hammock is one of my favorite bands. But even for a major music buff like me, it only takes you so far. Hell I think this would make a perfect suicide note/video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3JyHELDF_ug

Hi,

A games forum can in no way replace more professional help but of course you can get all sorts of opions.

My observations:

You compare yourself to very successful people (astrophysicist, Air Force pilots (ROTC?) , ...) and think that because of this you may be a failure. That is most certainly wrong. You forget about all the other people who change majors two times or drop out or learn something different. That should be about 90% of the population. Having an ordinary job is fine for many, many people.

You assume your performance will be dissapointing to your parents. But you may forget about their love. Typically parents love all their kids unconditionally and any disappointment vanishes quickly. They probably just want you to be happy, no matter what.

Title question of the thread: If you want to open up, why not having a long honest (just say the truth, even thought you would not need to mention all the details) talk with your parents, or with a single part (the more understanding, typically mothers) first, or writing a letter? They may be thankful to hear the truth but beware, they may also want to help you afterwards. You probably hesitate somewhat because you anticipate their feelings or may fear their reactions or are not ready to open up yet.

Like I said, if they called me and tried to talk in real time, I wouldn't be able to say anything worthwhile. I HATE opening up, and doing it from the barrier of text messages is the only way. I'm relatively smart, and I know my parents love me, but I absolutely can not shake the feeling that I'd be a disappointment. My grandfather is an army veteran, has a masters in business and ran a successful funeral home, while my father is an award winning journalist who has been on national television. Compared to them I'm nothing.

Oh you people and your measure of "success"...
Success is a happy life and not being burned out with 50.

And why are you comparing yourself to your father and grandfather? What about your mother and grandmother?
(Not that comparison would make any sense in the first place.)

Mother is a highly qualified and effective elementary school teacher. Going back to the military, parents of school kids have asked if she's served because she's so good at getting kids in line. I lack any of the drive and creativity my parents have.

I think it might be better to address what it is that YOU want out of life, rather than what you can do to avoid disappointing your peers or your parents. You're going to be spending a lot more time with yourself than with anyone else, so you should choose a path that you're satisfied with. Are you concerned with your withdrawal from ROTC because you feel left behind, or because it was something you genuinely wanted to do?

I worked with a chap once. In terms of ability, we were on Par (though I think my SQL was better).
He left and went contracting, a few months later he suggested I join him. I could have made 3 years worth of money in 6 months.

But we were trying for a family, so I declined. A few months later I swapped jobs and was Home working for most of the time and was there for my wife and new daughter.

A few years later I find out he is head of IT for the Football Association, raking in £100'000 a year + bonuses. Even then his central London rented apartment was 1/3 the size of our Nottingham Home.

Lives can't be simply measured. I'd hate his life, and I'm sure we would not have been wanting to be changing nappies/diapers at 2am.

I see your problem. Military mindset all over the place...
Hopefully you'll get above that some day and figure out what it is that YOU want, disregarding your families (potential) expectations.
If they really loved you, they'd also do so if you were following a different mindset and going for other goals in life.

Both. The majority of my friends have joined the military, started families, etc. I'm the one left behind. They're doing shit with their lives while I'm the broken one whose hitting his limit. Two of my friends are Air Force fighter pilots. One friend from high school is about to graduate from the Naval Academy. Another is a Marine Osprey mechanic and father. I pale in comparison to all my peers.