You have me confused with someone else, Aunt Cathy. You never were the sharpest tack on the posterboard. You remember that time at the family reunion where you got really drunk and decided to chase your double bourbon with a shot of turpentine?

No, I’m sure you don’t.

Mom! MOM! I don’t… I don’t… that’s not fair! You ALWAYS spoil Lizzie. It’s not fair! DADDDDDDDDDDDDDYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!

Are you going to protect me? I suppose you could always send your “stiff sock” army that you keep under your bed into action.

I swear, she always has something shiny and deadly in her pockets. Ever since she came to live in our residence we would find a butter knife "misplaced", a razor "thrown out". And orchids in the house were replaced with some other weird ugly flowers.

Haven't I always? It's not like we have a mother to protect us.

Vote: JMich

Yogsloth has always been my favorite child.

The rest of you... meh.

My but you are catty today, dear.

I must, however, admit that you are a very good mimic. What a wonderful reproduction of the noises a squeegee makes. Tell you what, once I have my inheritance, or at least part of it, I'll buy you a train ticket to Chicago, where I'll set you up with a lovely job as a street performer. It's not Vassar, but I'm sure it'll suit someone of your capabilities much better. How does that sound?

I expected as much from you, stepmother. You always hated me and always tried to put me down, blacken me and blame me for everything that is wrong in your life. But it is not I who chose another woman instead of you to lay down and embrace, am I? You call me spoiled but the only spoiled thing today other than my tramp half-cousin is your weak attempt to bad-mouth me in front of the family. I pity you.

Really? Let us hear them.

I, for one, think that the useless should be listened to, given tea and biscuits, and kissed upon the forehead before going nighty-night.

It mostly has to do with slaughtering, as I recall. Yogsloth really is daddy's little princess.

It is all fun an games until one knocks up a harlot. Oh, wait, too late!

Mariah is pregnant now?! Again?? I wonder if she will finally turn to a proper professional rather than reach for the closest hanger she can find.

14 days can't get here quick enough! I'm stuck here listening to all of you squabble over money none of you deserves. Eunice will straighten this all up when she wakes up from her nap.

Aww... aren't you just the cutest little bastard?! You are even using your words now; impressive.

Until today, Mikey, I thought I did. :( I guess money changes some people.


DADDY’S HERE! Daddy daddy daddy!

I’m sorry, what? I just can’t understand you Uncle Gene. But at least the windows are clean now.

EW. For real?

So which are you using anyway? At first I thought it was “Anarchy”, but I think I have you figured as more of a “Dark Temptation” kind of guy, am I right?

Oh Daddy, you silly. You know I was only kidding. I would never slit a man’s throat and dump his body in the shallows. You are the bestest Daddy ever, though.

OoooooOOOOHGHGH! I have had enough out of you! Mikey, kick his ass this instant!

Too much gin for breakfast will do that to a person.

It's a trait that runs in the family I believe. Can you even see straight right now?

She was not a harlot! She was, she was... Well, I don't rightly know who it was, but dammit, she wasn't a harlot!

Getting all riled up about my past isn't going to get us anywhere. Your past, however, is questionable. How did your dearly departed wife leave this world? Did you, perhaps, give her a slight heart problem, too?