Unfortunately, all these events have set a dark prophecy in motion

Fortunately, the dark prophecy is nothing more than the arrival of nighttime.

Unfortunately, night time is when the vampires go out to feed.

Unfortunately, they are also members of PETA

Fortunately, PETA's main expertise is in producing campaigns with photos of naked women.

Unfortunately, the photos are not of the sexual sort; they are aimed at straight women rather than at straight men.

Fortunately, the town has dispatched some vampire hunters to take care of the problem.

Unfortunately, they discover that the eastern oriented concept of the vampire is a debunked myth, based upon secret ninja fighting styles (shako ken strike one of the many techniques) and TCM practice (Xue, or blood, a potable ingredient to be consumed raw).

Fortunately, the concept of vampire used here is actually the western version.

Unfortunately the vampires ate zeo's cat.

Fortunately, my cat was imaginary anyways.

Unfortunately, that means that you now have sqrt(-1) vampires to deal with now.

Fortunately, that means that there technically are no vampires so long as we stop imagining them.

Unfortunately, the vampires can manipulate your mind to make you think they are a figment of your imagination (and they sparkle, too).