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Gerin: Son said to father: "Dad, I want to get married."
Dad replied: "First, tell me you're sorry."
Son: "For what?"
Dad: "Just say you're sorry."
Son: "But why? I haven't done anything wrong."
Dad: "JUST SAY YOU'RE SORRY!"
Son: "Ok, I'm sorry."
Dad smiles: "Now you're ready to get married."
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babark: Probably not. For some reason it showed up in my facebook feed today. What was the impetus for posting it?
I guess I got it, but I did find the potato police one better :P.

And to add a little to the self-effacing humour (since humour that attacks someone is immoral, but also apparently the funniest, according to this thread, guess I'll attack "myself"?):

What does the average Pakistani (the original had the shortened version of the word, which those in the UK may find offensive) in London weigh?
Fruits and vegetables, mostly.
I like your joke. My impetus for posting this was 1: I heard it and laughed, and 2: I wondered what audience would appreciate it.
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tinyE: Why do most husbands die before their wives?

They want to.
She: If you were my husband, I would poison your coffee.
He: I you were my wife, I would drink it.
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stryx: She: If you were my husband, I would poison your coffee.
He: I you were my wife, I would drink it.
If I remember right, this was a quota from Descartes.
low rated
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Engerek01: If I remember right, this was a quota from Descartes.
Close, but Churchill :D. Coffee wasn't very well known in Descartes' time.

Also, can't think of any more Pakistani jokes right now. While I love making "bad" jokes, I'm not really good at this sort of stuff.
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza parlor and says, "Make me one with everything."
Post edited December 20, 2015 by tinyE
A guy walks into a bar.
It was an iron bar.
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tinyE: The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza parlor and says, "Make me one with everything."
A llama walks into a toy department and asks, "make me a dolly".
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skeletonbow: A guy walks into a bar.
It was an iron bar.
a bar walks into an iron --"damn your hot".
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tinyE: What's the difference between a pig laying dead in the road and a lawyer laying dead in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the pig.

And BTW both my grandparents were lawyers so I don't want any of this 'I'm a lawyer and I'm offended' crap! :P
Don't be offended if you're grandparents left town when you learned how to drive. :)
Post edited December 20, 2015 by JDelekto
BTW, one of my favorite jokes is from Ron White, where he's taking his wife (and two dogs) to the bank, and while his wife is going into the bank to do business, his dogs are taken out on the grass to do theirs.

The bank teller comes running out yelling at Ron saying, "can't you read the sign, it says, NO DOGS!"

Ron replies, "The sign is wrong. It should say TWO DOGS".
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Brasas: Once you learn about confirmation bias, you start seeing it everywhere.
This one is based on untrue stereotypes and doesn't work on lesbians.
it works for me.
but it's not a LOL joke... I get the joke, but I did not laugh a lot.

also I did not understand the joke of WBGhiro...
In the Italian language potato it is associated with vagina (in sex jokes), and I did not understand what does the secret police.

I translate a joke:
A policeman decides to go to the market. He sees a fruit vendor eating his apples but carefully preserved the seeds.

the policeman: "Why did you eat your apples, but keep the seeds?"

vendor: "I do it because the seeds have the ability to make people who eat them smarter."

the policeman: "And how much do the seeds?"

vendor: "5 € each"

the policeman: "Could I have three seeds"

The policeman immediately eats seeds.

the policeman: "Excuse me. But if I bought € 5 of apples, I would have many more seeds"

vendor: "See! You are already becoming smarter"

the policeman: "It is true! Could I have another 3 seeds"
Post edited December 20, 2015 by LiefLayer
A male feminist walks into a bar...
...because it was set so low.
An Indian (native american) comes into a drugstore and says to the clerk: "Please give me one condom." The clerk responds: "Excuse me sir, but we only have packs we three of them." The Indian pulls out a knife and says: "Listen man, me Indian and me gonna kill you with my knife if you don`t give me one condom!"
The clerk gets scared, opens a pack and gives him one condom.
"Now", said the Indian "give me one Aspirin!". The clerk again responds:" Excuse me sir, but we only got packs with ten of them." The Indian says:" Remember my knife, remember my knife!". The clerk, now totally scared shitless, opens a pack and gives him one Aspirin.
Then the Indiand demands: "Now, give me a glass of water!".
The clerk brings him a glass of water. The Indian swallows the condom, the Aspirin and then drinks the glass of water.
The clerk watches this totally astounded. He asks the Indian: "Excuse me sir, but... why did you do that?".
The Indian responds: "Listen man, me Indian, me know: condom is good for fucking and Aspirin is good for headache, and you know I`ve got a fucking headache!!!!".
:-)
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but the bulb must want to change.
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TStael: snip
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Rottencorpsex: If you're trying to troll me - don't. I won't argue with you.
No, it was a slightly press-bias critical thought brought forth that you could have reversed your segments. But I may be too readily influenced by such ideas.
Why doesn't a married man remember his mistakes?

There's no sense in two people remembering the same thing.