One I just thought up:

The other day I went to my friends house to play on his games console. I brought with me an elderly man with a pointy hat and a spell book. My friend said: "That's not what I meant when I asked you to bring a controller".

:D

A man found a monkey on a street. He felt he couldn't just leave it there, but didn't really know what to do with it. Luckily, a police officer happened to pass by, so the man asked the officer what to do with the monkey. "Take it to the zoo" replied the officer and went on his merry way.
The next day, while patrolling, the police officer saw the same man with the monkey walking around town. He asked "hey, didn't you take that monkey to the zoo yesterday?" to which the man replied "Yes, it was a blast, today I'm taking him to an amusement park".

Rude Joke if easily offended GTFO











I was playing with my wife's clit last night, when she said, "Make me scream."

So I leaned over, opened the bedside drawer where she keeps all her vibrators. Took her hand, guided it into the drawer...

...and slammed it shut.

Why is 11 afraid of 7?


- Seven eight nine and ten.

I always thought that joke was: why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9
Seeing as im on for crude jokes today THIS NEXT ONES SEXIST If your against sexism dont read it.












I phoned up a big company today to complain.

I said, "Can I speak to the Chairman please?"

The snooty woman on the phone said, "Actually it's ChairWOMAN."

I said, "Oh, okay, in that case can I speak to the Vice Chairman please?"

I heard "my version" from a math professor, so I guess mine was an advanced math version ;)


A man went to see a doctor about an acute back pain. As the doctor examined him, she noticed the man had a knife stuck in his back. "I guess we can rule out iron deficiency" she said and continued her examination.

So, if Bruce Banner gets really horny, does he become the Incredible Bulge?

Another dirty joke.




I had sex with a girl from Intel last night.
She took it up the bum... bum bum bum.

A skeleton decided to go to a party, but then he realized he had no-body to go with!

Again rude jokes (i have yet to be told to stop so I shall continue...)






The teacher ask Timmy, " why is your cat at school today?"

Timmy *crying* " Because I heard my daddy say to my mummy, im going to eat that pussy when the kids leave for school."




coincidentally an anagram of Osama Bin Laden is "Lob da man in sea"




Pippa Middleton's arse is like a JK Rowling book.

You know Harry's going to be in it.



What's large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation 3

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.

The bartender gives it to her.

Sexist, vulgar joke.
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You have been warned.
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Ladies, are you still reading?
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If you ladies are still reading, please feel free to substitue anatomies and punchlines and tell to other ladies. Still works..
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What do you call that useless flap of skin around the vagina?
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A woman.

"Sir, how did you find your roast beef?" asks the waiter in a restaurant.
"Oh, only by accident; I moved a tomato slice, and it was right under it."

How did you get minus 5 (-5) reputation on your profile?