This piece of hilarity has been 'round the net for a while, but maybe some of you don't know it yet.
For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB. Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was
visiting from America.
Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
CHILLI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.
CHILLI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
CHILLI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILLI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone ice-cream.
CHILLI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
CHILLI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?
Judge # 3 - No Report.

One more joke about Finns (and the world), maybe you know it already, but even if you do, others may enjoy it :-).
+15°C / 59°F
People in Spain wears winter-coats and gloves.
The Finns are out in the sun, getting a tan.
+10°C / 50°F
The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.
The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.
+5°C / 41°F
Italian cars won't start.
The Finns are cruising in cabriolets.
0°C / 32°F
Distilled water freezes.
The water in the Vanda river (in Finland) gets a little thicker.
-5°C / 23°F
People in California almost freeze to death.
The Finns have their final barbecue before winter.
-10°C / 14°F
The Brits start the heat in their houses.
The Finns start using long sleeves.
-20°C / -4°F
The Aussies flee from Mallorca.
The Finns end their Midsummer celebrations. Autumn is here.
-30°C / -22°F
People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth.
The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.
-40°C / -40°F
Paris start cracking in the cold.
The Finns stand in line at the "grilli-kioski".
-50°C / -58°F
Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole.
The Finnish army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.
-60°C / -76°F
Korvatunturi (the home for Santa Claus) freezes.
The Finns rent a movie and stay indoors.
-70°C / -94°F
The false Santa moves south.
The Finns get frustrated since they can't store their Kossu (Koskenkorva vodka) outdoors.
The Finnish army goes out on winter survival training.
-183°C / -297.4°F
Microbes in food don't survive.
The Finnish cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.
-273°C / -459.4°F
All atom-based movent halts.
The Finns start saying "Perkele, it's cold outside today."
-300°C / -508°F
Hell freezes over.
Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest.
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Hmmm... I AM introverted, and like chilly weather... I should live in Finland ;-).

@DrIstvaan:
No I didn't know that one. Quite impressive if you could remember the whole joke, it's pretty long. And it's fairly accurate as well, excluding the minor exaggeration here and there. ;)
But seriously, it's been about -20°C here and I can tell that's DAMN cold. So if that's "chilly weather" for you, please feel free to move here. :D
Sorry OT, no good jokes to put here right now.

Well... I don't know about -20, but it's been cca. -5-10 here, and I went out in only a windbreaker... and didn't get frozen alive! Only the wind was a nuisance.
Anyway, even in "mild" weather, I tend to sweat a lot, so I prefer cold ;-).

Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children
You shouldn't say anything mean about people who can't read. You
should write it instead.
Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.
Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a minute; set him on fire and
he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.
The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
He didn't know if it was a gun in her pocket or she was just pleased
to see him, but neither option looked good.
Anyone can quit smoking, it takes a real man to fight cancer
I cry during sex.... fucking Mace
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
I put the sexy in dyslexic.
Sometimes I wake up moody; other times I let her sleep
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I
thought to myself, "where the heck is the ceiling?"
The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.
Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, whern you
insult him, you'll be a mile away, and have his shoes.
Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk?
You're like a slinky - completely useless, but fun to push down stairs.
Sex is not the answer, "Sex?" is the question... "Yes" is the answer
If my hand could get pregnant, today I would be the father and founder
of the third global superpower.
Baby, I didn't mean it like that... Everybody knows Ho is short for Honey
I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they
get closer. Then it hit me.
TORNADO RIPS THROUGH CEMETARY, HUNDREDS DEAD
I miss you like a retard misses the point
I'm putting the "Sensual" in "Non-Consensual"
I used to be into bestiality, necrophelia and BDSM. Then I realised I
was just flogging a dead horse.

So this pirate got a new eye patch and everyone onboard gets super jealous. They all start getting the same damn eye patch. He gets ahold of his buddy the inventor and says, "Can you make me a better eye patch?, everyone onboard is copying me." After months and months of anticipation the inventor comes and delivers the new invention and it's just 4 eye patches taped together. The pirate says "What the hell is this?" "I call it, the eyePad"
so a programmer dies and goes to hell. few days later satan calls god and tells him "listen, you gotta get this guy outta here, take him to heaven whatever. he's killing all my little devils, breaking everything in sight, and keeps screaming 'where's the entrance to level 2?'"
A SCOTSMAN walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says... "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache." The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, Not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, You'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
My favorite clean joke - I heard it here on reddit 'bout a year ago, posted by numlok:
At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various Brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.
Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a Bladdy Fosters, mate."
Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers in the world, and I make the King of them all; gimme a Bud."
Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, verdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist Der real King of beers, danke."
Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward "Barman, would ya give me a doyet coke wid ice and lemon. Tanks."
The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks, "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"
Paddy replies: "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I".
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took the first man to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!"
"You can't be serious," said the man, "I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried," he said, "but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes; take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Immediately, shots were heard, one after another, until the clip was empty. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left him
Before anyone gets mad, just know that in college we actually adopted a dog with no legs. We didn't realize when we went to adopt that the dog had no legs cause it just looked like he was laying down. We fell in love with him, took him home, took care of him, he was an amazing friend and a great dog. We actually named him cigarette and everyday would take him out for a drag.
A woman and a cowboy are sitting in a bar when the woman turns to the cowboy and says "excuse me sir, are you a real cowboy?" to which the cowboy replies "yes mam." then the woman asks "how do you know you're a cowboy?" and the cowboy answers "well, in the when i wake up i go out and check the herd, all day i guide the cattle over hundreds of treacherous miles, i take care of the cows before i eat dinner, and i check 'em again before i got to sleep. So i figure since i spend my whole day taking care of my cows, that would make me a cowboy". the woman thinks about this for a moment and says "well... i think you've just helped me to understand something about myself. when i wake up i think about beautiful women, all day long i think about beautiful women, when i'm eating, working, or relaxing i still think about beautiful women. So i must be a lesbian." the woman thanks the cowboy and leaves. then a man walks up and sits next to the cowboy. before to long he asks "excuse me sir, are you a real cowboy?" the cowboy replies "you know... i always thought so, but i just found out i'm a lesbian."
Two statues stood in a park for years and years, one male, one female. For season after season, people from all over would come to the park, and marvel at their beauty and artfulness, and they brought smiles and joy to thousands.
One day, an Angel descends from the heavens, stands before the two statues, and claps his hands. Suddenly the two statues spring to life, and look around bewildered.
"I have brought you two to life, for the great service your have done for this community and the world. You bring such joy and happiness, that you can live among the world for 30 minutes, to do whatever you please." said the Angel.
the man and the woman look and each other, blushing, before grasping eachother's hands and sprinting off to the bushes. After twenty minutes of giggling, strange noises, and breaking twigs, the couple emerged from the bushes, flushed and smiling.
"You still have ten minutes." Said the Angel, smiling.
So the man turned to the woman and said. "Great! Now this time YOU can hold the bird, and I'LL shit on it's head."
A vampire dad tells his 3 vampire sons: "Sons, your mother and I have always taken good care of you, we tought you everything you needed to know, we fed you and loved you. Now it’s time to spread your wings and be independent vampires. Tonight, you’ll fly out all by yourselves and we’ll see how well you do.”
So all 3 vampire sons fly out the window of their dads castle, into the night.
One hour later, the oldest son returns, mouth dripping with blood.
“Well my son”, says the father, “I can see you’re an adult vampire now. What did you bite?” And the son points out the window and replies: “ Father, do you see that mill over there?” “Yes.” sais the father. “Well, just behind it, there was a flock of sheep, I caught one of them, and bit it. It was fantastic! I just wish you’d let my fly out on my own before!” “Well done, my boy, I’m proud of you!” Sais the father.
Another hour later, the second sons comes back flying through the window, mouth and chin dripping with blood.
“My son”, says the father, “It looks as though you succeeded even better than your brother. What did you bite?” And the son points out the window and replies: “ Father, do you see that mill over there?” “Yes…” sais the father. “Oh Dad, just behind it, there was a flock of sheep, and with them a lovely shepherdess! Her skin was white as snow, I’ve never tasted anything more delicious that that! Why didn’t you tell us about this before!” “Well done, my boy, You’re a real vampire now. I’m proud of you!” Sais the father.
Another hour passes, when finally they hear a distant ‘flap – flap – flap’. They look out the window and find the third son flying towards them, his entire face covered in blood.
“My son”, says the father, “All this blood, I’m amazed. Tell us what happened.” And the son points out the window and replies: “ Father, do you see that mill over there?” “Yes…” sais the father. “I didn’t…” replies the son.
BACON and eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve breakfast here".
Q. How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
A. Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.
How do you turn a fox in to an elephant?
Marry her.
how does he-man keep himself clean?
BY THE SHOWER OF GREYSKULL!!!
There was an American, an Englishman and a Dane, all eating brunch with their girlfriend. All of a sudden, the Englishman, being the gentleman he is, asks his significant other, "Would you pass me the honey, honey?" The American, not wanting his girlfriend to feel unwanted, quickly asks her "Hand me the sugar, sugar." Of course the Dane has to jump in and be nice too, but he has no idea what to say. He looks around the table for some pun to play on, and finally looks at the jug of milk with a smile. "Give me the milk, you cow."

Okay, here's my physics one...
Heisenberg was here... maybe...

Why does the monster hide in the closet?
Because he does not want to be reviled.

by far the best worst joke ive ever heard......
Whats brown and rhymes with snoop??
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.
.
.
.
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Dr. Dre :P

I think it says a lot about me that I laughed my arse off to this one

Heisenberg is speeding down the freeway and gets pulled over by a cop.
"Do you know how fast you were going?"
"Of course, but where the fuck am I?"
-or alternately-
Heisenberg is speeding down the freeway and gets pulled over by a cop.
"Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know where I am!"

ahh physics, gotta love how only nerds can make it funny

Hahahahahahahahahaha... Physics is good stuff.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
He was playing too much frogger.
A zombie horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says "why the long-AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH OH MY GOD MY BRAINS!!!"