CarrionCrow: Apropos of nothing, I have
got to share
this.
It should serve for a laugh if nothing else.
I read that and started giggling like a hyena on nitrous oxide.
innocuous77: Mommy?
There is no mommy in the David Cage zone.
There is only pain, confusion, frustration and utter disappointment.
First thing - I want to shake the hand of whoever typed that into Amazon with the question marks included.
For anyone who suffered through it, it's a beautifully subtle commentary on the bullshit they wanted to spew.
Interactive drama? No, you godsdamned liars, it's a murder mystery that turns into a psychotic mish-mash clusterfuck by the end. And your "intuitive control scheme" is nothing but quick-time events and picking answers while a timer runs so you have to pick fast before it runs out and sticks you with a default response.
Extensive replayability? CoughcoughBULLSHITcoughcough, pardon me while I clean freshly spewed coffee from my monitor. Only hardcore masochists lacking a convenient dominatrix will EVER play that more than once. (and I would know, I have it queued up for replay on my desktop as we speak)
At the end, you decide which faction you don't give a shit about to give a McGuffin you don't give a shit about to.
That is it.
Multiple characters? Okay, that one's accurate. You can play as the primary halfwit, you can play as the freak who ends up as the halfwit's love interest for
NO REASON WHATSOEVER, you can play as the halfwit's black stereotype sidekick who you can choose to have piss off entirely for the last bit of the game (and no,
I AM NOT KIDDING, YOU CAN CLICK A BUTTON AND THEY LEAVE FOR FLORIDA. THAT'S IT. THAT'S THEIR RESOLUTION.), and you get stuck playing as the halfwit's cookie-cutter brother in a gods-fucking-awful stealth section that will make you gnash your teeth and wish David Cage would be stricken with gangrene of the hands and throat so he can never present more hackjob garbage to people ever again.
Cinematic score? Okay, that's also accurate. Angelo Badalamenti is frigging amazing, and if you want to hear more, check out the scores for Lost Highway, Twin Peaks, Mulholland Drive or Blue Velvet.
His talent is squandered like having a multiple doctorate holder dunking fries into grease at a McDonald's where no one washes their hands after taking a shit and
EVERY SINGLE ORDER is delivered wrong.
Uncut version of the game? Remember how I said that the halfwit and the shoehorned-in love internet get together in the game.
Well, they do, and in the uncut version you get something that's actually kind of amazing in its awfulness.
(Bear with me here, some setup is required, and yes, spoilers if you want to play this. Also, you might be inclined to self-harm if you do. Just saying.)
All right, it's the third act, and the world is slowly freezing to death globally because of....reasons. (Just shut up and play the game, you sick self-loathing-riddled fool.)
And the halfwit is undead because of...reasons. And the cop love interest loves him because of....reasons.
And she never notices that he's undead despite mentioning that he's ice cold to the touch and doesn't produce steam when he breathes because of....reasons. (Also, FUCK YOU, David Cage, because of...well, all the reasons, really.)
And there's a sex scene because to a hack, fucking immediately equals intimacy, heightened stakes and emotional connection.
But here's the thing...this is what makes it all so beautifully, dementedly absurd and awful and brilliant in its awfulness, like a gun nut who manages to drop their fully loaded gun while cleaning it, and the bullet managing to somehow ricochet and kill everyone they've ever loved in that same bullet's magical, horrific trajectory.
Three words -
Interactive. Corpse. Fucking. It pains me that I've never conceived of such a monstrosity on my own. But I am not lying. That's a real thing. It happens.
I don't know how to close out this explanation/rant/condemnation any better than that.
Correction - edited to reflect my own poor memory. The sex scene in which a woman and a talking corpse engage in intercourse is NOT interactive in the sense of having quicktime controls during.
However, after seeing the video, I am reminded that the health meter for both characters increases during the act, turning an insanely absurd attempt at something meaningful into a power-up that shows you a few seconds of digital breasts after you pick it up.
