If in the middle of the forest where no one could possibly have heard anything, a tree fell on your stepmother and killed her, you should still get rid of the chainsaw.

What do you call a genocide of executioners?


Axe-tinction!

Who was the first person to be diagnosed with the most severe case of gingivitis ever?


It was an Irishman by the name of Perry O'Dontal.

Grandfather tells his grandson of a time he was participating in the World War II.
Grandfather tells his grandson: "At the time I was the prisoner of the Italian soldiers.
They made us the offer to choose between the two - either we will get shot or we will get fucked."
"Which one have you chosen?" Asks the grandson. The grandfather answers: "I have chosen to get shot."

My wife says I have two faults: First, I don’t listen. And something else she was rattling on about.

Bill Gates is at the beach when he discovers a bottle, he opens it and a Genie appears.
The Genie says, "I have been trapped for 1000 years. As a reward you can make a wish."
Gates thinks about it as he carries the bottle back to his beach cottage.
Once there, he goes to a bookshelf, pulls out an atlas and turns to a map of the Middle East. This area has seen conflict and suffering for hundreds of years. What I wish for is peace in the Middle East.
The Genie replies, "I don't know I can do a lot, but this? Don't you have another wish?"
Bill Gates thinks and finally says, OK.
The whole world hates Microsoft because we have conquered the software market and because Windows still crashes.
I wish you would make everybody love us.
The Genie says, "Let me see that map again."

Why was the pilot such a jerk?

He wasn't exactly down-to-earth.

What the fuck.

yah

I knew someone who worked at a Taco Bell. Most of the staff there was quiet, but this guy liked to taco lot!

How did the hipster burn his tongue? He sipped his coffee before it was cool.

Marriage is like a deck of cards… In the beginning, all you need are two hearts and a diamond. Later, you wish you had a club and a spade.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

I find it hilarious when people feign being intellectuals - talking about Mozart, when they haven’t actually seen even one of his paintings.