Posted May 21, 2012
Medieval 2 Total War. I couldn't get the hang of the game, then magic happened.
I was playing Spain. I secured the peninsula (sorry, Portugal) and tried to marry a princess off to France. They refused, and the 2/10 trait princess got a trait decrease to boot, making her a diplomatic liability. I needed more commanders to lead the expansion, so I married her off to a local "suitable husband" dude, to get an extra commander. Unfortunately, the princess was ugly enough to make the dude forswear women forever (wink wink), which reduced his commander rating in turn. Than plan having failed, I marry the remaining 2/10 princess to an existing commander and send him to fight the Moors.
After some success at conquering and converting the Moors, I managed to get my (highly pious, as a result of all the preaching he did) priest dude elected Pope, wasting huge amounts of money on bribes, but my relationship with the church worsened after that. Then the Pope declared a crusade to liberate the Holy Land and I thought that could help me out, but due to my complete lack of understanding of the diplomatic system, France declared a war on me for moving troops through their territory, and to add insult to injury the Pope (you know, my former dude I spent twice my GDP to get elected) excommunicated me for attacking a fellow Christian nation. While most of the army production goes to support the war of attrition on the French border (that I was losing anyway), my best commander (husband of the second, not-so-ugly princess) gets killed fighting the Moors. Damn, my northwest African war was the only thing that was going kinda-well.
It sure sounds like reload time, but I decide to roll with it. There's hardly anything left of my African contingent, but it's victorious, and the game offers me a "man of the hour" replacement dude to adopt into the royal family. He's older than my existing heirs and disloyal (like most captains are), so I am worried that he might turn disloyal and usurp the throne, not to mention my existing heirs might be, you know, somewhat pissed, but at that point I'm pretty starved for dependable army leadership (a captain-led army went rebel in the middle of Spain not too long ago), so I adopt him and notice a peculiar thing. In place of a Chivalry rating (on a scale 1 to 10, but I've never seen it go higher than 3, and that only on the recently departed commander), the new guy had two skulls. Whoa.
And what do you know, the guy starts eating African provinces like candy, and within a short time the Pope likes me again. We arrive in time to win the crusade, too. By land. Meaning he wiped every single army out there, leaving for the captains to clean up undefended provinces. Fernan the Merciless (for that was his name, with 10/10 Dread skulls and all) compromised only once, when the game, on behalf of Egypt, offered me a stupid amount of money for the crown prince I captured (the capture allowed my severely understaffed army - they only got one reinforcement, right after my former commander bought the farm - to win a battle against practically all of Egypt). Turns out the game recommends a ransom regardless of the opponent's financial situation, and there's no option to adjust it - when Egypt failed to cough up 7k gold, dude got executed.
Around that time, Europe started hating me pretty seriously. The Pope was frowning, my priests got investigated by the inquisition (and were found innocent), and assassination attempts on my star commander happened every freaking turn (they stopped when I finished with Egypt though, so I guess I was wrong to blame Europe). Winning the crusade was the last straw - that got me excommunicated (again!) and, holy crap, a crusade is announced. On me.
But you know, whatever. The next turn after I wrapped up the liberation of the Holy Land, the reinforcements that were supposed to help Fernan doing exactly that finally arrived from Spain by sea. Rather than let them sit there and be useless, I decide that my future king has had enough of the fighting and was feeling pretty homesick (plus you never know when the old king might kick the natural causes bucket or get offed by Yet Another Rebellion).
So he goes home. By land. And Europe folds like a house of cards before Fernan and his band of battle-hardened... oh scratch that, green recruits who I imagine are still confused as to which side of the crusade they are supposed to be fighting on.
While at it, I manage to get the requisite number of provinces and win the game, so I reload, wait to be crowned king and then win.
(I actually have Alpha Centauri, but wasn't that a cool story?)
I was playing Spain. I secured the peninsula (sorry, Portugal) and tried to marry a princess off to France. They refused, and the 2/10 trait princess got a trait decrease to boot, making her a diplomatic liability. I needed more commanders to lead the expansion, so I married her off to a local "suitable husband" dude, to get an extra commander. Unfortunately, the princess was ugly enough to make the dude forswear women forever (wink wink), which reduced his commander rating in turn. Than plan having failed, I marry the remaining 2/10 princess to an existing commander and send him to fight the Moors.
After some success at conquering and converting the Moors, I managed to get my (highly pious, as a result of all the preaching he did) priest dude elected Pope, wasting huge amounts of money on bribes, but my relationship with the church worsened after that. Then the Pope declared a crusade to liberate the Holy Land and I thought that could help me out, but due to my complete lack of understanding of the diplomatic system, France declared a war on me for moving troops through their territory, and to add insult to injury the Pope (you know, my former dude I spent twice my GDP to get elected) excommunicated me for attacking a fellow Christian nation. While most of the army production goes to support the war of attrition on the French border (that I was losing anyway), my best commander (husband of the second, not-so-ugly princess) gets killed fighting the Moors. Damn, my northwest African war was the only thing that was going kinda-well.
It sure sounds like reload time, but I decide to roll with it. There's hardly anything left of my African contingent, but it's victorious, and the game offers me a "man of the hour" replacement dude to adopt into the royal family. He's older than my existing heirs and disloyal (like most captains are), so I am worried that he might turn disloyal and usurp the throne, not to mention my existing heirs might be, you know, somewhat pissed, but at that point I'm pretty starved for dependable army leadership (a captain-led army went rebel in the middle of Spain not too long ago), so I adopt him and notice a peculiar thing. In place of a Chivalry rating (on a scale 1 to 10, but I've never seen it go higher than 3, and that only on the recently departed commander), the new guy had two skulls. Whoa.
And what do you know, the guy starts eating African provinces like candy, and within a short time the Pope likes me again. We arrive in time to win the crusade, too. By land. Meaning he wiped every single army out there, leaving for the captains to clean up undefended provinces. Fernan the Merciless (for that was his name, with 10/10 Dread skulls and all) compromised only once, when the game, on behalf of Egypt, offered me a stupid amount of money for the crown prince I captured (the capture allowed my severely understaffed army - they only got one reinforcement, right after my former commander bought the farm - to win a battle against practically all of Egypt). Turns out the game recommends a ransom regardless of the opponent's financial situation, and there's no option to adjust it - when Egypt failed to cough up 7k gold, dude got executed.
Around that time, Europe started hating me pretty seriously. The Pope was frowning, my priests got investigated by the inquisition (and were found innocent), and assassination attempts on my star commander happened every freaking turn (they stopped when I finished with Egypt though, so I guess I was wrong to blame Europe). Winning the crusade was the last straw - that got me excommunicated (again!) and, holy crap, a crusade is announced. On me.
But you know, whatever. The next turn after I wrapped up the liberation of the Holy Land, the reinforcements that were supposed to help Fernan doing exactly that finally arrived from Spain by sea. Rather than let them sit there and be useless, I decide that my future king has had enough of the fighting and was feeling pretty homesick (plus you never know when the old king might kick the natural causes bucket or get offed by Yet Another Rebellion).
So he goes home. By land. And Europe folds like a house of cards before Fernan and his band of battle-hardened... oh scratch that, green recruits who I imagine are still confused as to which side of the crusade they are supposed to be fighting on.
While at it, I manage to get the requisite number of provinces and win the game, so I reload, wait to be crowned king and then win.
(I actually have Alpha Centauri, but wasn't that a cool story?)
Post edited May 21, 2012 by Starmaker