DubConqueror: Feeling scared for needing to put myself back to work again. Got to write a mail, that I'm dread writing for finding the right words. It's about negotiating for a good price for an appearance, but I suck at negotiations. I'm better at content, than about conditions. And with a mini-holiday in between (I had free time since Wednesday afternoon) I find it hard getting back into routine. Insofar you can speak of routine in my life, every morning there's a struggle to find courage to start the day. And when I will be finished working after an hour or two I need to find courage to buy groceries, as a friend of mine is coming to dinner this evening.
On the plus side, just yesterday I managed to comfort myself it's very unlikely I will be approved to be obliged to find paid work, as riding to a friend just 8 kilometers away made me totally stressed out and made tears stream out of my eyes from stress. Still I forced myself to get on, I might look up against meeting a friend, but once I'm there, it usually turns out to be easier than I thought. People don't bite, least of all friends. And we had a nice visit to a forest further south than I can reach by bicycle, as we decided to take his car for a change. And we had a cosy dinner at a restaurant.
But all in all, being autistic sucks.
*edit: and right now, when I'm already feeling that scared and stressed, I hear people talking outside. Wrraagghh. I wish life was without colours and sounds, just music.
When that stress hits you like that, try and concentrate on one very specific thing, even if it seems redundant or pedantic. I find that anxiety or stress can overwhelm you with bad feelings and it often leads to depression.
Just focusing on a small task or hobby can relive stress and discipline the mind. Don't go OCD with it, but try and enjoy a very small moment of something, whether it's raking the lawn, doing the dishes, finishing homework or going for a walk. Happiness is in those small moments. Often times they'll get you through the bad days until better ones come around again.
As for me, I injured my foot last month and now I've got a case of runner toe, which is when blood pools up under the nail plate. Keeping my fingers crossed that it heals on its own, because I'm stubborn and hate going to doctors or hospitals. So far, so good... just a slight case of a limp and slower movement. I HATE being injured or sick.
